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You Know That Saying Where There Is Smoke There is Fire? Well Sometimes There Is Just Really Good BBQ Or Somebody Is Smoking.

April 3, 2017

Hello my lovelies.  Put on your tinfoil hats and cover the cameras on your laptops, your Dean of Fuckery has dug to China and I have some answers for you.

Regarding the figurative  trail of dead bodies that the Clintons have allegedly left behind them I have discovered a couple of things.  Out of over a hundred people that are dead, there is one that is maybe a little hinky and this person was like the dentists brothers cousins friend that is how close he was to the Clintons.  All others deaths that have been attributed to nefarious causes were either A) natural deaths like heart attacks and pneumonia or B)Suicides, or C) mechanical or equipment failure.  Now there was one medical examiner who cut a lot of corners with all his dead bodies not just the ones that had any kind of tenuous connections to the Clintons which is where a lot of this started I think.   Bodies had to be dug up and re-autopsied which is both sad and gross but in the end all of the dead that are actually people were A dead, and B an actual cause of death was issued.  There are several that flat out do not even exist, I think those were just thrown in to pad the numbers.  There were also  plane crashes due to pilot error, and  a cesna crash due to mechanical failure.

My question going into this was why is Monica Lewinski alive if all of these other people who quite literally could have done nothing to the Clintons are dead?  My answer remains the same.  Because this shit just never happened.  If you ever crossed paths with a Clinton at a fund raiser, a charity event or political event or he movies or at the dentist or the doctors or the grocery store and you died you are suddenly a part of some fucking cover-up?  Nope, the amount of people that you meet when you are a public figure is just exponentially bigger than if you are a private person.

So to put this to bed much like Pizza-gate(which by the way was never really a thing, just another conspiracy theory) THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENED.  I mean people did die, but not because the Clintons have a hit squad, just because they died or they had shit luck and their plane went down.

Now I have spent way to much time and wasted way to many brain cells just to satisfy my own curiosity so while we are on the subject I am going to clear up a few other things.

  1. We really landed on the moon.
  2. It is not made of cheese
  3. the twin towers were brought down by two planes not internal implosions
  4. Elvis is dead
  5. Kurt Cobain is dead
  6. I will have to get back to you on area 51
  7. To the best of the scientific community’s  knowledge at large, aliens do not live among us, probably because of shit like this.
  8. You are more likely to die by being kicked to death by a pissed of Kangaroo than be killed because of a conspiracy. (I just made that last part up, but basically it is true.)

Hope that helps every one out and we can get back to reality…Sorry actually it might be more comforting to just keep your tinfoil hats on and keep your cameras covered reality being what it is at the moment.

Anyway, that is about 25 hours of my life I won’t ever get back but rest assured, I turned over every rock, kicked every tire and even took a couple of good stories out for a drive.  Nothing holds water, none of it.  Unless you want it to, in which case rock on with your bad self and Hide from the Clintons. They know you know.  OMGLOLROFLMAO.

RBMD Peacing the Fuck Out.

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World Of War Craft – Bad Hombre Expansion Pack Edition

March 28, 2017

This is about as fitting as it gets I think.

Alt Title:  the 2017 just waiting for the last horsemen of the apocalypse to show up so we can start to watch the world burn edition.

…current location, my zombie apocalypse/now nuclear fallout shelter stocking up on diesel for my very first nuclear winter.

Hi Everyone. Your Dean of Fuckery/resident sarcasm expert/honorary DVM/ Doctor of doctoring/certified rabies free RBMD/law professor/pretend judge/friend of all animals, especially whatever poor creature is living on Trumps head/Queen of all I survey, and all around nasty woman is back for another edition of RBMD.

As some of you may have guessed, I firmly believe this is going to be the final year of the existence of the planet. Since I have not yet figured out how to cut a continent literally in half, or thirds if South America is in, I thought I might as well talk about the Donald Trump shit show.

For those of you that are unaware, Canada, your polite, sensible northern friends are smack dab in the middle of you and Russia. Most of us up here in Canada land that don’t already speak Russian don’t really feel that they want to learn Russian and we are concerned. So before Russia annexes North Carolina or something I thought we should talk.   Of course when WWIII starts, we will be there having your backs, just like we have with every other stupid WW, we will bleed with you, we will die with you, we will mourn with you, and we will curse the rich fuckers whose children will not be in the fray just like it has been since time began because the rich and power hungry start the wars, they don’t fight them.

Civil war in your country is also a very large concern for us. Mostly because we like you. We can’t figure out how any of this happened, not for the life of us, but we like you.( not that it matters to most of you)  It is like some horrible nightmare that nobody can wake up from.

Donald Trump I have decided is either insane, or more likely he is a sociopath.  Just wondering for all you yuuuuuge fans of the insane oompa lompa troll, how IS all that winning going for ya?

Lets look at some facts shall we?  Oh come on don’t be afraid,{ it will be fine I promise.}  That there is a representation of a lie.  Not an alternative fact or fake news, I just lied.  It won’t be fine.  Not by a fucking long shot.  Alternative facts are lies for those of you that haven’t figured that out yet.  Please keep up or you will have to stay after class.  I’d say the misogynistic, xenophobic, woman hating, pussy grabbing, federal tax avoiding, illegal immigrant employing, Chinese steel purchasing, incest in his heart having, orange faced mother fucker might be just a little more of an alternative fact giver than originally thought. Just sayin’.

Raise your hand if this sounds familiar.  “I will IMMEDIATELY repeal and replace Obamacare”.  That one went in the LOSE column.  Also who knew healthcare was so hard?  I did.  My kid did.  Pretty sure my dog did.  That guy running your country not so much.

Let us try another one.  I will be to busy working for you, the American people to be on the golf course all the time like Obama.  Really?  13 times since he took office.  So another trump Alternative fact.

So far, you, the American taxpayers have paid 11.2 million, FUCKING MILLION on secret service for the Trumps.  That is one months worth.  NOT an alternative fact a real live one.  That is almost the entire bill for the Obamas for an entire year.

How’s that wall coming?  I just called Mexico to see but El Presidente was too busy laughing to take my call.

Extra Credit:  I don’t have any ties with Russia.  OMFGROFLMFAO  Can anyone say brokering 500 BILLION dollar deal with a company that has sanctions against it.  Oh wait, that would be treason wouldn’t it?  Right?  Do they still give the firing squad for acts of treason? Just wondering.

America, if I were you I would take the most famous Trump quote ever and tell the fucker “YOU’RE FIRED.

What a fucking clusterfuck shitshow this is turning into.  I’d make popcorn because I am one of those people that would find the world burning amusing, but I need the popcorn in my bunker.

Secret directions will be sent to all members of the no kill shelter.  Bring your dogs, bring your horses, bring your kids, I’m iffy on spouses, they may have to pass a comprehensive entry into my bunker written exam.  Or some shit like that.

RBMD peacing the fuck out.


How Does A Country Feel When It Is Grabbed By The Pussy?

December 29, 2016

Hello subjects. Tis your intrepid leader, dean of fuckery, law professor, doctor of doctoring, honorary DVM, puppy resuscitation expert, dog lactation expert, horse whisperer, owner of contract of indentured servitude, and her most royal highness and queen of all I survey.

This little ditty is translated to Flower of Carnage.  It is in Japanese but it is beautiful and haunting and just perfect I think.

2016 has been one for the books hasn’t it. Likely the last one of any book ever since it’s the beginning of the end of the world. We are all invited to Renae’S house to watch the nuclear launches by the way. BYOB. or BYOW. Or BYOBAW. Fuck it, I say we all bring our meds and just throw em all in a big bowl.

I was finally able to move 1984 by George Orwell to the non fiction section of my personal library so that is now off of my bucket list. Actually the 0range horseman of the apocalypse had made me speed up my bucket list exponentially. All I have left are a Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans, bear fight using only a buck knife, having a heart to heart with Kanye West and making him understand what an insufferable douchebag he really is, shooting a Kardashian in the ass just to see if it deflates, and riding in one last horseshow. Obviously I just added the horseshow one since I only just discovered I can still ride. I think probably they are all doable except for the very last one. I don’t think I have the confidence to ride in a show ever again, I’d probably freak the fuck out or be so tense the horse would sense it and I’d ruin the experience for my show partner.

Then there is my private locked behind two safe doors written in coded invisible ink bucket list. It only has four things on it and when the day comes(and it will) that we find out the world is going to be blown up within the next twelve hours I’m going to check off everyone of them…well depending on traffic. At least three of them.

I’m so convinced that Trump marks the beginning of the end of world that I have even drawn up emancipation papers for the in house psychic. Hell she may as well enjoy a couple of hours of freedom or whatever we are living under is supposed to be.

So, let us recap 2016 shall we. The abridged version or else we will be here until Trump fires the first warhead.

Let us start with the fucking English since as a Scot it is my duty to hate them and David Cameron. The Panama Papers (just in case anyone forgot about them) said that the then Prime Minister of the fucking United Kingdom had coin in a secret offshore investment fund. He also porked a pig head in college. Then he called for a Brexit referendum which backfired horribly. He resigned in shame.

Drunk and from the shallow end of the gene pool Americans. Before you all collectively go wait, what? please recall the Port Huron Float Down. 1500 of your best and brightest (omg I can’t believe I typed that without smacking my head off of the keyboard) decided that a bunch of inner tubes and a fuckton of alcohol was a great idea. They did manage to close down the shipping corridors of a great lake and produced a $280 000 deficit for your country to save everybody who accidentally floated into Canada. Ha, accident my ass, you were all trying to get away from Trump even then weren’t you?

Clowns that all look like ax murderers. Whatever the fuck this little phenomenon is about, knock it the fuck off 2016.

Then of course we have the Syrian refugee crisis. Apparently Syrians have a one in ten chance of being dead at any given moment during this shit show of complete fuckery.

Polio and Small pox came back. Yay. Anti-vaxers are assholes.

Putin and Trump declared their love for each other and passionately made love on the white house lawn. Okay that last part hasn’t happened yet but the rest is pretty much what happened. Just so we are clear, Russia bad. Putin bad.

The totally not honorable Robin Camp. This actually started in 2014 but since we all heard about it this year I’m counting it. This fuckwad is the judge who asked a rape victim why she hadn’t kept her legs closed among other questions that should have just made his head explode due to misogyny overload. Instead he let the rapist off with a wrist slap and had to apologise to the victim which I am sure made it all better. I suggest any judge that hears rape cases needs to wear a shock collar, like a bear shock collar and every time they say something stupid it needs to go the fuck off. And this guy needs to be disbarred and defrocked or whatever you do to a judge.

There were also all the deaths. All sad, some devastatingly so.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress, socialite, she was about a billion and six so no surprise really
Craig Sagar. NBA sideline reporter who dressed like a pimp on slap a ho day.
Bernhard Fox. Best known as Doctor Bombay from bewitched.
Alan Thicke. Canadian actor/douchebag. Best known for growing pains. The show not the actual thing.
John Glen. If you don’t know who that is, A)shame on you B)you aren’t a Russian spy or anything right? C)Shame on you.
Florence Henderson. Actress best known as the best mom on earth due to her turn on Brady Bunch.
Ron Glass– Actor. Best known for his roles in Barney Miller and Firefly
Leon Russell. Legendary singer/songwriter/studio musician. Collaborated with the beach boys, rolling stones, and Elton john to name just a few.
Arnold Palmer. Legendary pro golfer. He won four masters and is inducted in the golf hall of fame. Yes, there is a golf hall of fame. No, I don’t know why.
Jose Fernandez. Pitcher Miami Marlins. Really fucked up boat accident.
Gene Wilder. Actor. Best known for Willy Wonka, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. He is associated with some of the funniest movies of the 70’s.
Steven Hill– Actor who will forever be remembered as Adam Schiff from Law and Order.
Kenny Baker-Actor/droid. Yes people, R2D2 is dead.
Garry Marshall. Producer/director/legend/penny marshall’s dad. Created Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and directed Pretty Woman.
Michael Cimino– Acadamy award winning director- The Deer Hunter.
Ryan Jimmo. MMA fighter. 19 wins and 5 losses during his career…and I guess one death.
Bernie Worrell. Keyboardist. Founding member of funk band Parliament Funkadelic
Anton Yelchin– Actor. Best known for being a very badassed Pavel Chekov in Star Trek All The Old People Got Replaced.
Cassius Clay…Okay I’m just fucking with you although you should all know who that is. Muhammad Ali. Best boxer ever.
Gordie Howe. Hockey Player. Played 26 seasons in the NHL and made the all star team in 23 of them.
Morley Safer. Reporter. Worked on 60 minutes for 46 years. Back before you were allowed to write whatever you wanted and pass it off as truth when it is actually just clickbait.
Gary Shandling. Comedian.
George Kennedy. Actor. Best known for his Oscar winning turn in Cool Hand Luke.
Vanity. Singer. Fronted Vanity six a collaboration with Prince
Abe Vigoda. Actor. Loved for his portrayal of Detective Fish on Barney Miller and also played Tessio in the godfather.

Now things are going to get much more painful.

Prince. musician/artist/singer/otherworldly being. Legend in his own time. Spectacular human being who had everything and died of an opiod overdose which is so heartbreakingly sad.
Merle Haggard. Country Legend. Inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Joseph Medicine Crow. War Chief. Medicine Crow was the last surviving war chief of Montana’s Crow Tribe. Lectured extensively on the battle of Little Bighorn.
Nancy Reagan. Actress, first lady of California and then the United States. Married to Ronald Reagan.
Maurice White. Musician. Founder of Earth Wind and Fire. Nominated for 21 grammy’s. Won seven. Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Glenn Frey. Musician. Founding member of and guitarist for the Eagles. Sang lead on several songs. So even with global warming it is doubtful hell will be freezing over again anytime soon.
Dan Haggerty-actor. Best known for Grizzly Adams. I can’t believe Grizzly Adams fucking died.
Alan Rickman. Wizard. For this one alone 2016 should be drawn and quartered. Severus Snape will forever be remembered by any Harry Potter fan or anyone who knows any Harry Potter fan. Yeah he did a bunch of other stuff, but really after Severus Snape nobody cares.
David Bowie. Alien rock god chameleon. My heart hurts just typing that David Bowie is dead. He died like he lived, with as little fanfare as he could muster.
Leonard Cohen. Hallelujah. Nothing else needs to be said.
Dale Buffin Griffin. Drummer and founding member of Mott the Hoople.
George Michael. Singer. Hi boyfriend went to wake him up but he was gone, gone.
Lemmy Killmister. Singer/founder Moterhead and general badass. The Ace of Spades will forever be one of my favorite 20 songs of all time.
Carrie Fisher. Princess- The disturbance in the force is great right now.
Debbie Reynolds. Mother of carrie fisher. Died of a stroke brought on by a broken heart.

There are of course many more that are not on this list because I am just tired of writing about the death of my youth. So, moving on.

Please ponder this.  We lost all of these wonderful talented people this year and yet Trump, the Kardashians and Kanye are still alive.  What in the actual fuck is going on here?

2016 also brought us Zika, no doubt invented by some drug company that will cure it for a thousand dollars a pill in the near future. Then there were the natural disasters; Hurricane Matthew, The California Wildfires, The Jerusalem Wildfires, The Italian Earthquake, The Alberta Wildfire, Flooding in Peshawar Pakistan, The Taiwan Earthquake, Rainfall induced heavy flooding in France, Flooding in Louisiana, magnitude 7 earthquake in India, flooded everything in Xianogan China, Typhoon Nepartak fujian province, china.

We also had an unuasually high amount of unatural disasters. (not Trump, I’ll get to him in a minute) Mass shootings, a crazed knife wielding fuckwad, bombings, a neverending war in Syria, a bunch of beheaded people because religion is such a peaceful loving thing, drug cartels still going at it (fucking Juarez might as well be iraq) and some crazy president (no not yours) decided to take the war on drugs to a whole nother level and started dropping suspected dealers out of helicopters.

Still think there is hope for humanity? You won’t soon. Next up we have the millenials. The generation that thinks that everone gets a medal for participating and that keeping score is just mean and they need trigger warnings and safe places in school. BARF. They also expect to do as little work as possible and then land themselves a 80000 a year job and get promoted every two years because you don’t have to be a winner to win anymore. Trophies for everyone. Woohoo, look what people have created.

Now lets get to the orange cherry on the top of the shit sundae that is 2016. Donald Jesus Fucking Christ how did this happen Trump. My best hypothesis thus far is that some kind of hallucinogenic gas was released over all the polling stations.

I knew, I expect everyone did that racism, misogyny, xenophobia and theolism existed. But my fucking god, now it’s okay to just do and say whatever you want to whoever you want? That was rhetorical because it fucking isn’t!   Go on You tube for an hour and see if you can make it without throwing up. I watched some grizzled old broad flip the fuck out because two women were in line speaking Spanish. She started with the fact that they didn’t speak American, whatever the fuck that is.  I thought you all spoke English. The did by the way speak English, but since it is a second language Spanish was easier for them.  Next, the mean and very vocal old buzzard moved on  to the fact that THEY are stealing your jobs, asked to see their green cards, and told the whole store they were probably on welfare and living off of all of you. So are they stealing jobs or living on welfare. Probably both right because that is just how those people are. It makes me fucking sick and ashamed for you. Every Muslim is suddenly a terrorist, every Sikh is suddenly a  Muslim, every African American is a beast just waiting to explode and rape and kill all you poor helpless white folks.  Mexicans are just flat out bad hombres and it is now once again okay to make fun of the differently abled, fat people, women, and I have seen the word Faggot thrown around so much lately it is giving me a fucking headache.

Just for a little more proof that you all just elected Satan rolled in cheeto dust, the white supremisist groups are already up in arms and ready to flip the fuck out if Donald Duck doesn’t keep his campaign promises. He is really doing a stellar job thus far. Drain the swamp. pffffft. All he did was add aligators and pythons.

I have 3 spare bedrooms at my house, 4 if somebody wants to convert the basement, first come first serve because you all are headed for a civil war unless of course he just blows the planet the fuck up. He can’t take twitter criticism, what is he going to do when a country says mine is bigger than yours. He’s goimg to launch, and then he is going to go hide in his lead lined bunker till the radiation goes to an acceptable level and then he can emerge as king of the fucking world because he will be all that is left. Actually Keith Richards, Ozzy Osborne and myself will probably also still be alive. I figture Keith can get him to overdose in under three hours. If not, Ozzy can probably scare the old fucker into a heart attack so that makes me once again Queen of all I survey.

That’s it for tonight

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

 


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