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The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.

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Stab a fork in it, I Believe it’s Done…..

April 26, 2013

The campfire outside my trailer, Arizona

Scout Master Stephens held a really really long meeting in chambers and nothing happened allllllllllllll day.  At somewhere around forever o’clock we finally got some court in.  As soon as I saw the look on Stabby, Jenny From the Cell Block and Alfred E. Nurmi’s faces I knew it was all over but the shouting.  Which is good because eventually Juan is going to lose his voice.

Even the vet looked more relaxed and his tranquilizer gun rested on the floor instead of having a bead on the pitbull as he prowled about the floor.

Juan Called a forensic phone data guy but didn’t feel a need to start to bark as has been his way through most of the trial.  I swear he even wagged his tail once when he thought nobody was looking.  First there was a blonde haired thing, then there was a brown haired thing, magically all just before she got to Travis’ house.  The forensic guy confirmed that the pictures  came off the Heliophone and were not transferred to the heliophone.  Alfred E. Nurmi got up and actually confirmed for the state that this was indeed the case, but in Alfred E’s defense, he boarded one of the life boats yesterday and he’s just phoning it in.

Stabby is looking a little um, sick, yes sick seems to be he word that comes to mind, but I’d be feeling a little ill too if the realization that I was NOT going to pretty my way out of the death penalty had suddenly reared up and bit me in the ass.

Jenny from the Cell Block is still writing frantically either to steady herself or because she’s going down with the ship dammit.

Esteban Flores was the next witness on the “I really really want this bitch to go down” rebuttal list produced by the pitbull.  Esteban has been the co-conductor and chief dog handler on this ship of insanity.  Before we get to his testimony lets take a moment and talk about modular furniture.  Now kids, today’s lesson is, if you have to put it together yourself, most 5 year olds could do it and it is meant to be more esthetically pleasing than functional.  So, please remember, if you are planning on killing someone, never and I mean never keep the gun that doesn’t exist on the top shelf which is seven feet in the air.  You are going to have to explain at some point how you got the gun that was never there down from the shelf that was seven feet in the air and the natural believable lie would be to say you stood on one of the modular shelf that rest on four pins and the shelf is gonna tip.  Cause and effect kids.  Dig it, it’s a real thing. Einstein would tell you that physics are definitely real.   Anyway, you would not be able to get the gun that does not exist down because the shelf is gonna tip and dump you right on your blood soaked lying ass.  And then instead of inflicting a couple of more stab wounds you are going to have to waste valuable murdering time putting the shelf back and putting all the shit that was on the shelf back on it.  IKEA and wanna be stabbies can thank me later.

Detective Flores described in stunning detail, heights, widths, dimensions, and exactly what happens when one steps up on modular furniture being held up by for aluminum pins.  OMG the shelf tips, said absolutely no one EVER, except for Stabby the brown haired thing, who looked totally gobsmacked that her Einstein like mind had not thought of this.  Alfred E. came up to the plate and lobbed a ball across the plate.  Did you measure this part he asked in his most serious “god I’m so bored I want this to be over, to much work walking up to the podium” voice.  Flores lined up the ball and whacked it out of the park and somewhere into the building next door with a succinct no that wasn’t necessary and a look which clearly said, “dude, I think your drunk”. Alfred E got all snarky for a moment and pulling a page from the earlier mentioned “How to maul someone on the witness stand”  barked, “Did I ask you if it was necessary.”  Esteban actually giggled a little before he said um, no.  Esteban then answered actually reasonable questions from the jury.  Was a gun, bullets, holster, gun cleaning kit, a shoe box that could hold a gun, the outline of a gun in dust, gun residue, a receipt for a gun, or even a picture of a gun found in travis’ house.  No said Detective Flores as the defense started to quietly weep and take bong hits when no one was looking.  If stabby lifted her arms would she be able to reach to the top of the shelf to get the invisible gun.  No.  Alfred E. still working from Juan’s playbook tried the snark attack again and Flores shot him down with a quick, dude, are you high.  And with that detective Flores left the stand.


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