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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law; Letting Your Jury Die Of Old Age

January 12, 2015

I hope sometimes Judge Stephens at least has their plots picked out. It seems like the least she could do – Arizona

Well her we are everyone, the 2nd to last class before exams. Letting your Jury Die of Old Age. YAY! Tonights class promises to be as exciting as it sounds. Before we get to class as usual, your Queen/law professor/dean of fuckery/economics professor/sarcasm expert has some house keeping matters that need to be attended to.

Christine Beswick sent us a note this morning and since I am not sure if you all saw it, here it is. You all are so deeply appreciated I wish I had words to say. Hours later, a whole night sleep even later, and I am still speechless at the response from yesterday. The words thank just seem so *small* in comparison to the feelings of gratitude I have for yall! You’ve left this writer speechless! My deepest gratitude to each of you, and especially to dear Kelly for co-ordinating the mission with her troops. Nothing but love for you Kelly! And you guys too! Honestly, it is people like all of you that make me choose writing/truth telling on a Sunday over couch time. Any day of the week! Much love to the RBMD family! Thank you thank you thank you!!! *kisses*

I am so proud of how quickly you all rallied around our friend Christine when she needed us. Of course she can hold her own, but with the threat of a deluge of the ten or so people plus all their alternate personalities I figured better safe than sorry. That and I think we can all agree that a good time was had by all. Well all people not named SW. I cannot abide bullies. Not now, not ever. Especially when said bully is going after any one of you. That I will not have.

Just Da Truth has been added to the blog roll. I have read a lot of his blog and it is good, so if you are looking for someone different to read, check out Just da Truth. It is a very good blog with a ton of info on Stabbykins.

Now on to todays class. I will provide a synopsis of todays court proceedings and get to the root of the class. Allowing your Jury to simply expire of old age and the ramifications thereof.

True to form, sometimes Judge Stephens started out the day with a sidebar because at this point we wouldn’t want our oldest juror to have a heart attack at a sudden change in the routine. Tweets will be brought to you by Jens Trial Diaries and will appear in quotes unless otherwise stated.

Detective Flores was called to the stand because of course we are still going with porngate. They don’t have anything else and we are trying to drag this out long enough to bump off a couple of the jurors so Flores takes his place on the stand. Jenny From the Cell Block is running this line of questioning and is asking Detective Flores about controlling the crime scene. “Jen is going over the electronic evidence on the scene…phones, laptops etc and the policy in handling them” Detective Flores while looking at Jenny like she had two or more heads said he was well aware of the procedures regarding the computers and he knew he was not supposed to turn it off or on. Since the screen on the laptop was dark he grabbed a pen and poked one of the keys bringing it out of sleep mode. This is NOT turning the computer off or on just for the tinfoil hat wearing bunch out there. He then reported the status of the computer to forensics all per SOP. So Jenny, the same one that asked Dr. DeMarte TWICE during the original trial why she hadn’t interviewed the very dead Travis now asked a completely gobsmacked Detective Flores if he thought it was okay to turn the computer on. The computer that was in sleep mode and was not turned on. That computer. She asked a bunch more crap about the computer that didn’t really matter much and then we got to some more important stuff. “Willmott asks if Flores stopped the defense from looking at evidence and Flores says no he didn’t interfere” Detective Flores then emphatically stated that he did not turn the computer on. He said that Juan was sitting in a corner taking notes and was on the phone. The judge then excused the jury so that Jenny could question Flores in an attempt to form some foundation.

OMG she asked Detective Flores if he recalled Juan making comments about looking for nude photo’s of Stabby Einstein. Ewwwwww. Someone pass the brain bleach and AS IF YOU SKANK HO BITCH. Jenny says that two other lawyers heard him say this??? What lawyers?? When?? Why is this a new thing?? Anyway Juan got a little hot pretty fucking fast at that statement and said to the judge if you are going to let this in lets talk about how the prosecutor said how horrific the crime scene was ( I still find it odd that he refers to himself in the third person) and what a liar multiple Stabby is with her plethora of lies about what happened. Sometimes Judge Stephens says it’s irrelevant. All of it. “Juan says at the time, the accusation of Travis looking at porn or the pedophilia accusation wasn’t even brought up yet.”

OMG I’m dyyyyying. The defense wants Juan to be removed as lead council so that he can be called as a witness. Now this is a maneuver I have seen in a trial or two and it never works and always pisses the judge and the prosecutor off. And it did. Alfred E. decided this was a perfect time for one of his patented fits (pitching a Nurmi- copyright pending) He is now begging for her to let them call Juan as a witness and demanding a mistrial. AGAIN. SOMEMORE. STILL.

There was a ten minute recess. Now, I have a source in Arizona who told me Friday that the transcripts would be released on Tuesday but asked me to keep it to myself so I did. During the recess I found out my source is still a great source because the transcripts are being released on Tuesday. We also found out there will be no ruling on the DP motion until either Flores or the computer tech are done their testimony, but we are not sure yet which one.

Flores is now back on the stand and is holding firm to his earlier testimony. “Willmott is saying this testimony was false and Juan objects for vouching and we have a sidebar”

Back from sidebar: Flores says defense expert testified also no porn on computer Jenny begins to giggle an evil little giggle for some unknown reason. “Willmott is saying a Mr. Brown found a porn video on the computer. F says he doesn’t know he hasn’t reviewed the whole report” and with that the seething pitbull is up.

Juan first tells the jury that the crime scene wasn’t pristine because Travis’ friends had been on scene before police arrived. Juan asked Flores that unless god comes down on the scene they are all contaminated correct? Detective Flores answered yes. “Juan asks if there was a different policy at the time of this crime on looking at computers on scene. Flores says Yes” “Juan is reading a policy from 09 and Nurmi wants to approach” Detective Flores provided the power source for the laptop and defense team plugged it in. The pitbull asked if one of Flores duties was defense babysitter to which he answered no.

Juan brought up Lonnie Dworkin and how he went and made images and copies himself. He said that in 2009 these mods would have been known to the defense computer expert. And Lunch is mercifully called #giftfrombabyjesus.

So, to reiterate. The defense was accusing Juan of looking for porn on TA and JA’s computer. He denied it vigorously as did Detective Flores. Sometimes Judge Stephens remembered she was indeed sometimes a judge and refused to allow the defense to bring in the accusation about the prosecutor looking for porn. In a report from Det. Brown it states there was no porn movie on this hard drive that belonged to Travis. Smith was talking about the registry only but he said it only had terms on it and no actual porn correct? Flores answered in the affirmative Then the mighty pitbull roared. There was NO child porn of any kind found on any hard drives belonging to Travis Alexander Correct. Flores answered with a resounding correct and the the Travis is a pedophile train barreled off the tracks and hit a building.

And just like that court was over for the day. Nobody knows why. A motion to preclude a witness for the state has been filed and my in house psychic says that witness they do not want anywhere near the stand is Dr. DeMarte. We will have transcripts 2morrow and court on Wednesday again and we still do not have a ruling on the DP thing, although I would say the lack of ruling and the fact that trial is sort of continuing answers that question.

Now, how does all this fit into letting your jury die of old age?  Well, we have now been in the retrial phase since October. It is January and we are going over the same stuff over and over again. I give this at least another month or so.  Our oldest juror could be dead by then.  Several more may be bored to death and then we won’t have enough jurors to get a verdict. That would mean a mistrial and good old not a judge would have to impose sentence.  Alfred E is a slick one.  In a slime highway kind of way.

Oh and tweet of the day goes to @Banyarola who said Do you guys realize we fought and won WW2 in less time then this trial has taken?

That is it for tonight my lovelies

RBMD peacing the fuck out.
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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law: Seating a Jury and Other Necessary Annoyances.

September 29, 2014

-I’m self employed, I have ebola, my dog ate my jury summons, No Habla Englis – Arizona

Welcome class. Please hurry and take your seats. This class will be focusing on seating a jury for a re-trial that the whole world watched and other things you don’t want to do. We were going to have a guest speaker tonight, Troy from Fox10, but he was covering the very trial we are going to be discussing tonight and the CONVICT looked at him and smiled. Obviously filing the restraining order was much more important than speaking to us. We all understand.

As a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law and since we are studying this case, I felt it would be pertinent for me to attend todays proceedings. My press credentials help. Unfortunately I was busy working on todays lesson plan so the in-house Psychic will be giving you a synopsis of what happened in court today. In house Psychic, if you could come up to the front of the class please. Thank you. Take it away in-house psychic.

Uh….hey everybody. Um, I’m a little nervous, I don’t have to speak in front of people very often. Before I begin, I would like you all to know that once you pass the bar, you should never, ever take a job offered by your illustrious Professor. She will have you sign a contract that keeps you indentured forever, no matter what vomit inducing things she makes you do. You can get more money, but you can never leave her service. Anyway, this is what happened in court today.

All the main players were present. Nurmi was a combination of pissed off and resigned. He wasn’t paying much attention, he just kept thinking about where his chair was, if Jenny from the Cell Block had brought enough weed, if they were going to require a separate chair for Cha Cha’s earrings and whether or not he had tossed his suits from when he was fat. He seemed concerned that he was going to require them. Jenny from the Cell Block just looked stoned. She and Stabby kept staring into each others eyes and blowing kisses. Cha Cha was present. She seemed to be paying no attention what so ever. I wonder how much money I pulled in from the Justice4Stabby site was the only thing rolling around in her brain. Stabby was brought in sans shackles and wearing a grey sweater that perfectly matched her skin-tone. A search party has been formed to look for Stabby’s bangs, they are missing. She was also wearing a pair of glasses as seen on her auction for her totally authentic auction for her glasses as worn at trial. There were about a hundred jurors in the first bunch, about an equal number of men and women. Stabby seemed to be having a staring contest with one and the poor potential was visibly freaked out. She blurted out something about having to be at school and was dismissed. She bolted from the courtroom and immediately sought counselling. Several potentials were dismissed for not speaking English, but I took a quick read and spoiler (they all speak English.) King Juan and Sir Esteban were present. Our pit-bull, King Juan was not looking particularly rabid yet and Sir Esteban only had to throw him a couple of good boy treats. Judge Stephens just looked vaguely confused.
Most of the first panel were fairly intelligent potential jurors and came up with all kinds of interesting reasons to not be on the jury. Judge Stephens came out of the trance she was in long enough to tell potentials they may not contact the media, watch the news and they are banned from social media. Alfred E. Nurmi of course asked for a sidebar. Jurors will not be sequestered. The trial is expected to last until mid-December. Okay, I’m out. Back to Professor Kelly and Law Class.

Thank you in-house psychic. Everybody thank the in house psychic. Sorry, it’s in her contract.

Anyway back to Jury selection. For the purposes of this class we will use the case we have been studying:

The Great State of Arizona and King Juan the 1st V Stabby Anal Einstein.

First, some terms you will find useful unless you want to have no clue what is going on in the courtroom.

Venire: No students, it is not the finish on your floor or Jenny from the Cell Blocks teeth. That would be veneer. A Venire is a panel of prospective jurors.

Voire Dire: Not a French ungulate. The process through which potential jurors from the venire are questioned by either the judge or a lawyer to determine their suitability for jury service. Also the preliminary questioning of witnesses (especially experts) to determine their competence to testify. Voire Dire is when the most intelligent potential jurors will be shown the door. They you see have figured out how to avoid jury duty. The judge will question the Venire asking such questions as will sitting on the jury cause any undo hardship and do you think you can remain impartial. Using the above case as an example, some of the excellent reasons that jurors came up with to not sit on the jury: I have an issue with whores, I have an issue with fake domestic violence claims, I just flat out hate the bitch and I am ready to vote for the death penalty right now.

Challenges for Cause: The right to challenge a juror without assigning, or being required to assign, a reason for the challenge. During the selection of a jury, both parties to the proceeding may challenge prospective jurors for a lack of impartiality, known as a challenge for cause. A party may challenge an unlimited number of prospective jurors for cause. The judge will be required to step in if one of the lawyers decides this might be easier than say filing motions. Challenges for cause have been stopped by the judge when a lawyer was obviously trying to stack the jury with all men, or trying to stack the jury with all white people or all ninjas or whatever. That is a big, big no-no.

Peremptory Challenge: Peremptory challenges provide a more impartial and better qualified jury. Peremptory challenges allow an attorney to reject a potential juror for real or imagined partiality that would be difficult to demonstrate under the challenge for cause category. These challenges, however, have become more difficult to exercise because the U.S. Supreme Court has forbidden peremptory strikes based on race or gender.

Parties do not have a federal constitutional right to exercise peremptory challenges. Peremptory challenges are granted by statute or by case law. The number of challenges is usually determined by statute, but some jurisdictions allow the trial court to grant additional peremptory challenges. In federal court each side is entitled to three peremptory challenges. If more than two parties are involved in the proceeding, the court may either grant additional challenges or restrict the parties to the minimum number of challenges. In the case we are studying, the parties each have three peremptory challenges.

Once all the Venires have been gone through, the judge and the attorneys will begin to question the potential jurors and that is when the challenges for cause and the peremptory challenges will begin. On the second round of voire dire the questions are much more detailed and are often tailored to individual potential jurors. This is when the second most intelligent jurors will normally be removed from the panel.

The case we are studying is an interesting one. The potential jurors questions have been kept under wraps. A panel of highly qualified smart asses were convened to come up with relevant questions to ask the jurors. Fortunately I happen to have an in house Psychic, so for this class only I bring you Stabby Einstein Jury Questions.

What is YOUR definition of SKANK? Credit to @JodisDiary
Can you ID the 3 Wonder Holes? Credit to @Sturgeongal
What do you think about Snow White? Credit to @AngelRoars
Can you dedicate enough time to this trial? Like, until your social security kicks in? Credit to @SheilaNJ
Do you believe that during the alleged “body slam” that Jodi got a 1st Down? Credit to BarbRichter1
This trial may or may not contain “fog”. Are you a meteorologist and if so can you unlearn all college education? Credit to @mohiclaire
Were you ever a juror in Florida? Credit to @thriftymaiden
Do you have anything against white American Ninjas?
Do you believe that “Three-Hole Wonders” are an endangered species & therefore protected? Credit to @thriftymaiden
On 9 out of 10 days do you prefer Murdering Skanks or Pizza? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have an irrational fear of rogue skateboarders and/or an affinity for collecting red gas cans? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have any knowledge whatsoever of what the ten commandments actually say?
Do you actually understand what indigent means? Credit to unknown I forgot to write it down. message me if it’s yours
Does it bother you when multi-syllabic words are used incorrectly?
Can you list five places on your person to hide poprocks, tootsie pops and a toblerone bar? Credit to @DoctorGooFee
In YOUR opinion, should the seven dwarfs have been stabbed and decapitated? How about shot?
Do you think braids are HAWT?
Have you ever de-edified someone?
Can you look at Stabby and remain impartial contemporaneously?

That is it for tonight class. Next class we will be discussing more on this trial as well as a strange case of multiple personality disorder. This case is disturbing on many levels. It started out as simple assault with a fish and by the time the woman was found not responsible due to mental disease or defect she was actually tweeting to herself. Very sad.

Have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to study. We may or may not have a midterm coming up anywhere from 5 to 455 days from now.

Class dismissed.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and Other Defense Bullshit

September 24, 2014

How do you recycle from solitary confinement? – Arizona

Hello class. Please excuse my tardiness. OJ Simpson called and asked if I thought he might get time off if he offered himself as a marriage councilor in prison. It took me hours to explain that it was probably a bad idea.

Anyway, this evening we will cover Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and if time allows, what to tell the defendant when you can see the iceburg approaching.

If you have a defendant that has been busted dead to rights, nine out of ten times if they are going to fight the inevitable they will use an affirmative defense. See: the ninjas made me do it. Defendants who use an affirmative defense are found guilty more than 99% of the time (unless you live in Arizona or Florida, where you can cut off someone’s head and put it on a stick on your lawn and you still might get off)so it is best to start digging out the mitigating factors right away. Mitigating factors include but are not limited to: Abuse as a child, broken homes, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, basically all the abuses. If the defendant suffered any of these and you can get someone to say it under oath and they can lie believably that may be the difference between life and death. If the defendant is just batshit insane and butt-hurt because they got dumped or something you may have to become creative. It is your job as lawyers to do everything in your power to either quit this bitch or try and get them life in prison instead of the DP. If you are at the point where you are considering mitigating factors we will just assume that your motions to peace the fuck out fell on deaf ears because you were not paying attention during motions class. Remember, if you bribe the judge and nobody sees it, the ninjas did it and you were never there.

Creative mitigating factors can include, but are not limited to the following: The defendant potty trained early, the defendant is a vegan, the defendant is a really good gardener(don’t use this if you have a case where the body has not been found), the defendant likes cats, the defendant has never been laid, the defendants mothers cousins friends uncle is sick and giving the defendant the DP will hasten their death. These are all perfectly reasonable, viable mitigating factors. In the event that you can’t use any of these, I recommend just making shit up and seeing if it works. Hey, you never know! Things that have been made up in the past as mitigating factors: The defendant can trace really well, the defendant can grow hair, the defendant doesn’t like garbage, the defendant can read. I know they sound ridiculous but you have to at least look like you are trying something.

In the event that none of this works I suggest strongly that you have your defendant make fuck me-eyes at one or more of the more malleable Jurors. Constantly giving the Jury fuck me eyes will usually convince at least one of them that if the defendant is released they have a shot. This is especially useful if you have a female defendant and a juror that is old and decrepit enough that they A) haven’t had sex since Jesus was in pre-school and B) if you are lucky have the onset of some neurological disorder. Having the defendant fuck one or more of their expert witnesses is also always a good idea. Don’t want one of them growing a conscience on the stand.

Remember class, all you need is one Juror. Just one. If you or the defendant cannot convince one single Juror that the defendant either wants them desperately or that their mitigating factors are not perfectly valid, you totally picked the wrong jury and sucks to be you.

We will continue next class with how to use your Mitigation Specialist for fun and profit. Have a lovely night class.

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Here We Go Again…….Some More……Still!!

September 11, 2014

now moving to the fourth circle of hell – Arizona

Oh Hai Kids. I’m just blogging up the stratosphere today aren’t I. Well, it can’t be helped. Things are happening. Important things. Spoiler – not really it just makes me feel needed.

Stabby has been a crazy busy psychopath Today. Well, I guess crazy and psychopath everyday but the rest just today. Yeah. Don’t even ask, I’ve been awake for three days and I’m not fully convinced this isn’t just some weird dream.

I digress. Stabby has legally relinquished the Pro-se right she always intended to relinquish as soon as she got this whole J4STabby thing sorted out thanks to Cha Cha Delarosa.
Goddamn people trying to steal her murder money. Lets see who actually has a dog in this fight.

Click on the images to enlarge

Stabby's Arch Nemisis #2 Meet Jason. Stabby’s number one arch nemesis right at this particular moment. He is basically a piece of human shit in clothes. He is also Stabby art thrower under the busser and thief that is trying to steal stabby’s money. He seems to have peaced out so there may or may not be a gang of screwdriver wielding skateboarding ninjas looking for him. I can’t confirm but I don’t doubt anything at this point.

Stabby's best friend ChaCha Delarosa Stabby’s Mitigation specialist/dance instructor and Stabby’s new best friend. Totally malleable. The Latina version of Alyce in Blunderland. Terrible chess player. Hater of ice cream parties and Las Vegas.

Lisa's icecream party And Finally Lisa Schilling Ice Cream Party and Las Vegas Lover. Butthurt and Dissalussioned Ex(Maybe) Stabby Supporter. Possibly my new best friend. We will see.

So, in a nut shell. A three way call that is not allowed was placed from Sherriff Joes Homey Don’t Play That prison. He got pissed, Stabby decided she isn’t Jack McCoy (If you don’t know who that is shame on you and google it) Fucktard Jason seems to have peaced out, and ChaCha and Lisa are debating about the Merits of an Icecream Party in Vegas. Did I mention we are all invited? Should be fun.

Nurmi is in for the ice cream party as long as it’s all you can eat. He said to tell you all that Death by Ice Cream sounds perfectly acceptable to him and it will save some money that he was going to spend eating himself to death at Golden Corral.

Nurmi’s Chair has gone into the Ikea Protection Program and all attempts at contact thus far have been in vain. Stabby’s Pencil is very worried. If anyone see’s him rolling around tell him Stabby’s pencil and RBMD said hey.

Stabby’s Bangs have made contact and tell me they are looking forward to the re-trial.

Stabby’s Diary is apparently pumping lead in preparation for the retrial. So buff Diary!! Good Job.

Stabby’s Pencil is just concerned about Nurmi’s Chair and doesn’t want to talk about it.

Stabby’s Multiple personalities have so far not returned our calls for comment.

Juan Martinez was still laughing last time we asked for comment.

Stabby is going for the record of most motions in order to delay a trial in the history of ever. She was in court and ask for a brief Ex-Parte which of course means Stabby wants another delay. Maybe you really can just delay a trial until you die of natural causes. Speedy trial be damned.

And please God let that be my last Stabby update of the day. I have to be in Pretoria for Whatever O’clock.


Reality V Stabby Einstein

September 9, 2014

Reality is why drugs were invented – Arizona

Hey kiddies, I’m back with another little ditty about everyone’s least favorite sociopath, Stabby. Unfortunately tonights blog comes as a two parter. If you have not read this brilliantly written piece by Stabby, I’m sorry for assaulting your brain, but in order to understand part b you are gonna have to just trust me and read part a. Or don’t, your call.

stbby 2
(click to resize)

Reality V Jodi Arias – A rebuttal of what is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. (And kids, that’s saying something)

Wondering how hard it could be to smuggle a gun, a knife, some rope and two ninjas into solitary confinement – Arizona.

I’ve had many nicknames, because I am a raging whoredog who will do whatever it takes to get whatever I want. Travis was a gentleman so he wouldn’t call me words like my other boyfriends did, he figured whore wasn’t that offensive considering the amount of shit I put him through. When he would talk, I would totally tune out or start singing in my head, or have conversations with myself because lets all be real here, I am much more interesting than Travis.

Occasionally as happens in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, Travis and I would be cross with one another and he would raise his voice. Because in his soul he was a gentle, sweet man, he always immediately apologized and said he would try to remember not to speak when angry. I know he would not want to be remembered as someone other than the man he was; a man who believed in his god, but was human and made human mistakes. That is why I immediately did as much damage to his image and integrity as humanly possible. Had I been able to launch a scud in the courtroom at his family, I don’t think the effects would have been any different.

Now I am butthurt because people are calling me names. Hodi isn’t even a bad one, it’s just stupid and I don’t like it. I also don’t like Stabby, Scariass, or the brown haired thing. I’m still pretty ok with three hole wonder.

What bothers me – and really saddens me- is that people obviously love and respect Travis Alexander despite my very best efforts, and believe me I gave it everything I had. Fuck, I even forged letters. Good ones. But, like they say kill a guy that everybody loved and haters gonna hate.

I want all the haters to go away because they are mean like Nurmi and that pit-bull creature that prosecuted, and that bitch that keeps writing blogs about me. The crazy one. She needs to STFU because it’s like she KNOWS me. It freaks me the fuck out. I also want them to go away because they may be convincing some of the Darwin Award Candidates not to give me money. After all, this is what all this has been about from the very beginning. Fame and money.


The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Only Rational Explanation is that Stabby is Satan

September 1, 2014

No she isn’t but the bitch scares me -Satan

Well kids, I bring you another installment from the second circle of hell that is Arizona. There have been developments. There have been motions for sanctions because our favorite pitbull has not been darted recently. And caught in the middle of this whole goddamn shitshow is a family who has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

Stabby got permission to re-visit the crime scene which of course is no longer a crime scene because the house has been sold and totally remodeled. So, what the fuck is there to see, find, smell, whatever. The only purpose for this is to kill some more time (bad choice of words but it stays) and to maybe fuck with the family that dared to buy the home that she thought would someday be hers a little bit. That Judge Stephens allowed this just does things to my brain that make me want to try and cleanse it with drano.

Stabby also has a private investigator that the state has to pay for by the way, to try and find people that will corroborate her assertions of domestic violence. More about that in a minute. Maybe the P/I will find the ninja’s, grandpa’s missing gun, and the rope that never existed while he’s at it. Or maybe he will go down to home depot and just buy some. Now, to the domestic violence issues and the fucktards that will believe anything. As most of you know, I am a victim of domestic violence. I am quite literally covered in scars. I have had more broken bones than I care to list off. I have had a fractured skull and had a shotgun loaded with a sabot shoved in my face. I am a defacto domestic violence expert and Stabby was about as much a domestic violence victim as my cat kitty friend. She will however find someone, somewhere that is willing to lie and say they saw her covered in bruises or some other such bullshit; so pay attention or mighty Pitbull because you will want to know every single thing about where this witness came from and why after 6 years of extensive and exhaustive investigations that not one shred of domestic violence was ever found.

I feel so bad for the family that bought Travis’ house. They just want it to be their home, not the place where a terrible crime took place and I don’t blame them. I feel so bad for the Alexander family because they are going to have to listen to all the lies about their brother all over again. I feel bad for the state of Arizona because this should have been over with a long time ago.


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