The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Phone call that Rocked the World (not really but I couldn’t think of another title)

September 6, 2014

Crazy just asked for itself to be redefined-Arizona

Well kiddies, looks like Stabby Einstein really is the gift that keeps on giving. After serious and intense contract negotiations with my in house Psychic she is back (thank you jesus) and we all get to find out what stabby really meant during that totally not orchestrated or released on purpose phone recording.

First, a few interesting points. Three way calls are the big no no in Jail. BIG no no. And not the big no no that resides south of Stabby’s belt line. Also, Satan Skyped me earlier and he now wants a per diem every time his input is needed for something related to this trial. I think he’s trying to save up so he can peace the fuck out if Stabby actually gets the death penalty because apparently even the prince of darkness doesn’t want anything to do with that kind of crazy. He said something about Judas Iscariot and PolPot running the show in his absence so no worries, hell will still be looked after. Oh and apparently Caligula will be performing once a week. There are still seats up front just in case you are interested.

Anyway, here is a copy of what the phone call said, and then we are going to have our lovely, talented and totally appreciated in house psychic tell us what the conversation was really about. Did I thank Jesus yet for my in house psychic. God forbid I have to do these things myself. Also, I had to go to the first circle of hell which is the “stabby Arias is innocent” Bwhahahahaha, sorry I can never type that without laughing, website to get this, so….you’re welcome.

Jodi Lisa
Lisa Yes – hey Jodi
Jodi I thought you were at work. Hey, um—
Lisa Well, I’m at lunch right now
Jodi Oh, okay. Who was it that told me? Oh, Maria [Del La Rosa], she said that, um, someone had told her that you had said online last night that I was supportive of the site and I don’t want to give people that impression because I can’t support the site right now as long as you guys are collecting money. Because it should be—
Lisa No we didn’t—
Jodi Huh?
Lisa No, we didn’t say you supported it. We said that you weren’t – not – you didn’t tell us to take it down which is what everyone else is saying.
Jodi Oh. Well, I don’t mind the site being there. But what I do mind is like that Jason is collecting money and that this corporation thing and that he’s promoting it as if something that I want – because I really don’t. I want the collection of money to stay within my family. And I think that if he really did support me he would just use all that traffic and energy and momentum that he’s building and just direct it toward the Appellate Fund, which is where it should be going to begin with. And remember when you and I were like first getting together with these ideas, it was more about how we can promote the Appellate Fund. But it seems like now it’s gone in a different direction. But, I just, that’s the only —
Lisa So if we collect money, are you saying that you don’t want it?
Jodi Yaah. No-no-no — I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I don’t want other people outside of my family to be accepting money on my behalf. Because it takes away from the fundraising that my family is trying to do for me,for one, and for two, with the Corporation, we don’t really know where that money is ultimately going to go, because it can go wherever the board members want it to go. And, as I told Jason, for example, if you guys vote to have an ice cream party with it, then you can. And he said that’s right. But with the Appellate Fund, it’s in the trust fund and irrevocable trust so you can’t have it go anywhere else. [unintelligible] trust it
Lisa Well, well — we’re not going to do that though.
Jodi Well, I know. But the point is that if you wanted to you could. If you want to reward your hard work with like a trip to Vegas you know, or something. If you [unintelligible] wanna or something—
Lisa No. I mean, but we’re not gonna do that though. And that’s why we have a board because, so, for that oversight.
Jodi Well, I know that’s true but I was just thinking if someone were on that for example and they everyone wants to vote to like going to cruise, for example. And then one persons like, “Hey that’s not right. This money is for Jodi’s appeals. And that’s not right.” And then people are mad and then people just have to vote that person off the board and then they can do what they want with money. That’s how it works. I’m not saying that’s going to happen but the problem that when people donate to a cause they believe in then, they wanna know where the moneys gonna go. But at this point they don’t know where it’s gonna go unless they donate to the trust. It can only go to there — to [unintelligle]
Lisa No but we have to [unintelligible] we, but we have to report our financials and where it’s going. So—
Jodi Yah.
Lisa Then I must be—
Jodi I haven’t [unintelligible] your bylaws but they’re, you know. I dunno — I just, I don’t feel, I don’t feel right with it. I don’t feel comfortable with it. I know you guys have worked really hard on it and I’m sorry it’s gotten this far, but—
Lisa So you don’t even want to look at the bylaws or — ?
Jodi Well, I don’t — really haven’t seen the bylaws. I, I honestly, I don’t want to be involved with it. Because I just feel it takes away from the efforts that my other friends and family have been trying to get the fund going to try to get me an attorney. Um, you know, I just—I feel like it’s taken away from that and that’s the problem. The other thing I’m uncomfortable with is that Jason has just done this without my consent. [unintelligible] “Hey you guys, Jodi’s not quite comfortable with this yet, but we’re trying to explain [unintelligible] to understand what’s going on and we’re doing [unintelligible]. [unintelligible] on there an lies. “Jodi supports us 100%.” And I haven’t. I’ve never said that. So the fact that he just lies about that makes me not trust him, you know? It’s like if you’re going to lie about that what else are you doing, you know? And then he registered the site in my name and I never said to register my name. And he puts Perryville’s physical address on there? That, that’s just, that
could get me into some, I dunno, that could potentially cause problems for me. So I know he took that off, but still, you know, it’s just, I think it’s just the fact that—I really wanted to support Jason. He has a lot of talent and everything, but I can’t. He [unintelligible] slams Pandora, he slams Maria, he slams SJ, he slams Ben, he slams Maria De La Rosa. I’m like, what?
Lisa No, but they all slammed us first though!
Jodi I know, but, I never said [unintelligible]—
Lisa They called us thieves and liars and stealing before [unintelligible]
Jodi [unintelligible] Well I dunno so much about what happened between him and Pandora and Maria and everything but he, he straight up just said a whole bunch of like, he dragged out records on people and humiliated them and I just, I dunno, it’s just. And then my art, like he—he doesn’t care about me. He slammed my art because he doesn’t like SJ. Like he still, like he so blinded by his dislike for SJ that he will throw my art under the bus just to get to SJ. He doesn’t care if it affects me. And he doesn’t care if affects my family and you know, their ability to travel to my trial. So, I dunno know, it’s just. I don’t — Everything says don’t trust Jason. Like, why was he so intent about having control over the money when my aunt started to — he, he coerced my aunt into giving her the password to the Paypal, giving him the password to my Paypal, which is weird, like, no one else needed that just to put it on the web site. You just need the code. But he wanted to be, he wanted more than that. Like every time he’s asking for more and more and more. And now he’s—
Lisa No. Well, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. I’m— Yer just getting all the wrong information. He wanted the password because he [unintelligible] to put, like a banner in there so it would look professional and—
Jodi I know, well—
Lisa I mean, everybody’s just twistin’ everything up.
Jodi Well, the problem though is that I told him, I told him this directly on the phone, the problem with you having that email is that now you get the email notifications and you’re not supposed to be getting them. And
[unintelligible]
Lisa Why though.
Jodi [unintelligible]
Lisa I know, but we fixed all that. We complied with everything you guys wanted. And then you still took it away.
So, I mean, we got everything straight before you took the domain away. — — — Are you still there?

Take it away if you please, oh beloved and much revered in house psychic.
Really, this is the first thing you make me do. You know I hate you right? Sigh. Fine, pass the Gravol and the Tylenol and lets get this shit show started.

Lisa, you fucking peon why do I even have to have this conversations with you right now? If you were working like you should be, I would not have to be doing this and could be thinking about new ways to stall the trial…..like leaking a three way phone conversation. Carry on. God you are stupid.

Anyway, I can’t let anybody think that I totally support a site that I totally support because it’s all about me,me,me because you guys are collecting money that might somehow end up in the Alexander’s hands due to that whole wrongful death thing. Assholes. I can’t believe you can even sue for that. That is why my Mormon god created irrevocable trusts. All money collections need to stay within my family because the tighter that particular box stays closed the less likely people are to figure out that the state has to pay for my appeals and shit. Appellate fund. I cannot believe they even went for that. Plus, I know you guys are making money off of me and I just will NOT have that. That money is mine. I murdered for it fair and square and I get to keep it. Fuck Son of Sam and fuck Juan Martinez. It’s mine.

For when I ultimately get released which is totally going to happen. I know they think this is just a penalty phase retrial, but I plan on retrying my entire case. I don’t care what Nurmi says, I can if I want too. Wait shit missed what this stupid bitch just said. Something about a banner? WTF? Anyway, you douches think you are going to make money off of my hard work and throw my art under a bus because it’s tracings of real art and you get my email notifications which is really a bad idea because of all the naked pics I have floating around out there. I don’t want you idiots to figure out who I really am. Like that would ever happen. I could cut off someone’s head in front of 20 of you and nobody would believe I did it, I am just that good. If it wasn’t for that goddamn Juan Martinez and his “evidence” I’d be out of here already. Jenny is still my friend, she’ll help me totally kick Juan’s ass this time. I hate that little bastard. How dare these people try and steal my murder money. Do they think I’m stupid. I’m Stabby Einstein bitch.

Whatever, I don’t need to talk to this moron anymore, like she understands anything that comes forth from my brilliant mind anyway. Bitch. Probably ugly too. I’m just gonna hang up and go admire myself in my stainless steel toilet or something. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and……..I’m out. I still don’t think you pay me enough for this shit, but we both know I’ll be back. This is the in house Psychic going to try and drill a small hole in my head and bleach my brain. Back to you oh task master.

So there you have it kids. This is what Stabby was actually thinking while she was talking.


Q and A with Nurmi’s Chair

June 3, 2013

Chair PTSD is a thing – Arizona

Nurmi’s chair graciously agreed to do a Q and A where I supplied the questions via email and he supplied the answers. What we ended up with was a very candid look at the life of Nurmi’s Chair.

Tell us what it was like being thrust into the limelight and backside of Alfred E. Nurmi

As a former child star chair, I had grown accustomed to the spotlight. I was in many commercials as a young footstool so the limelight has never bothered me. My mother is Bengali and my father is Indian/Pakistani/Chinese/Amazonian tree. They wanted me to have a better life than they had in America so after I was assembled in Bangladesh & China, we moved here.

I came into this assignment innocent. Juan Martinez’s chair, Esteban Flores’s Chair, Willmott’s chair, Jodi’s Chair, The Witness Stand Chair, & myself all got the go ahead during chair duty. Basically, we drew straws to decide who would get which person. Unfortunately, I drew the small straw and got Nurmi.

I had 2 weeks to prepare for his size. I prepared with rigorous strength and core training programs. P90Chair, Reclines and uprights with weights on me, & rolling up hills for cardio. I even traveled to that crooked street in San Francisco to train.

Work was rough from day one. Nurmi told me to ‘shut up and be quiet’ after I squeaked in pain on the first recline. I responded by lowering my height lever making him not able to see over the defense table. From then on it has been a struggle of epic proportions. He’s got a method of torture in the form of a blender for me he calls ‘The Punisher’. He basically brings in food from Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, & McDonalds and blends them into a flatulence smoothie. This cheek rattling chair scorching concoction has caused me many sleepless nights & a ridiculous amount of money wasted on febreeze

I’ve recently had this repeated horrific nightmare of being the only chair at a Nurmi family reunion. It goes like this: I am enjoying the nice weather and then Nurmi + his family come out and decide to play musical Chairs. Because I’m the only chair, they all rush to jump on me and recline. My legs tremble & as I’m about to fall apart, I wake up with a cold sweaty cushion. I went to see Dr Samuels about this problem but that didn’t go anywhere because he kept filling out the test for me. So I went to Alyce Laviolette for a second opinion. She accused me of abusing Nurmi! So I Finally I saw Dr. DeMarte and she diagnosed me with PTSD from Nurmi sitting on me. I was relieved at professionalism I finally found

As for Nurmi himself, there are still things I cannot do because of him. I cannot watch any of the Lord of the Rings anymore because of the Eye of Sauron. It just reminds me too much of Nurmi’s anus. I cannot look at the sight of a donut without getting nauseous. I cant even play basketball anymore because the shape of the hoop.

This led to a variety of problems for me including a substance abuse problem with WD-40. It helped with the pain. I started off drinking Caster Oil but then graduated to WD-40 because it was stronger. I was a mess. I even had to go to the IKEA Emergency Room one night but I’ll talk about that later in detail. This 54 day weekend has really helped me mature as an inanimate object. My cushion has been centered. I have also found a great support group from twitter. My followers are the best. They have put up with me through my suspensions, rants, & health problems

As for us chairs, we are all pretty cool with each other. Juan’s chair and I have a good friendship. Flores’s chair is pretty quiet and keeps to himself but seems friendly. Willmott’s chair can be obnoxious at times but also fun at times. The Witness Stand Chair is sexy(I’ll get to that later). Unfortunately Jodi’s Chair has had some trouble. She’s developed a rash just under her left arm rest that’s not very conspicuous at all. Poor Chair. Now she’s also taking on Jodi’s personality. She’s become crazy and lies about everything. I won’t talk to her anymore. 9 days out of 10 I do not like her

There are rumors going around that you and Stabby’s Pencil were forming some kind of escape plot, true? What was the plan.

Stabby’s Pencil is an interesting character. She’s always sharp & never seems to need coffee. I honestly don’t know how she stays so sharp with all that doodling & erasing. We’ve only had a few arguments that I can remember and that’s mostly because she’s been lodged in my cushion lead first accidentally. It’s quite painful. In addition to that I’m also dealing with Nurmi reclining or his flatulence so sometimes I can have a quick temper.

She came to me with an idea awhile back. We called it “Operation Rollback”. Basically she had the bailiff tie a huge strong rubber band to my back towards the open door in the back and I would sling out with Stabby’s Pencil lodged in my cushion. We were ready to go until Nurmi caught wind of it and told Judge Stephens. She held me in contempt of court and I spent a couple of nights in the janitor’s closet as well as the Bathroom after Nurmi used it. It was traumatic

Tell us about your love life? I was pretty sure I caught you checking out the court reporters chair a couple of times?

The Witness Stand’s Chair and I have been off and on for about 3 months. She had a thing for me when the trial started but I never noticed her under LaViolette & Samuels sat on her. That all changed after DeMarte took the stand. All five of my legs got weak and my cushion palpitated. I started sweating WD-40. I approached her sometime after DeMarte left & I was so nervous. I asked her to roll out with me one night to a local sushi place and she said yes! Unfortunately that date was a bit awkward since I didn’t have a chance to febreeze properly after court.

The next night however, and I don’t mean to brag, we locked wheels. It was amazing. She just oozes sex appeal. Those beautiful five legs, smooth spring, great cushion, and her backside is incredible. We also had great intellectual conversations and had a lot in common. She’s been a rock for me throughout this trial. The usual 3-4 day work weeks with various court cancellations has also helped us roll closer to each other

Were you frightened at having to be seated so close to stabby.

I was fine until I started seeing pictures she copied of me upside down in the Pacific Ocean, pictures of me disassembled, pictures of me dropped out of a plane, etc. That was troubling and very unnecessary

What really frightened me was the day I made a wisecrack about her bangs. @Jodiariasbangs remembers this. I made statement to Nurmi and Willmott about how “Skateboarders with screwdrivers must have loosened a screw in her head in order for her to create bangs like those”. Willmott immediately told Jodi and I got the biggest death stare ever. Check it out. It’s @Stabbyspencil ‘s cover photo.

Needless to say, we haven’t talked since

Have you bounced back since the burrito day incident?

I get this question a lot. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I spent a weekend right there at the courthouse that night.

Jodi’s defense team had a goal to delay the trial as much as possible and trip up the prosecution through utter BS the entire trial. So that two days before that incident, on a monday I believe, Judge Stephens said that Wednesday would be a long day and that we would finish before closing arguments. I didn’t believe her so on Tuesday night I stayed up all night drinking WD-40, watching the movie “The Chair of Monte Cristo”, & reclining in general.

That morning, My alarm clock did not go off on time(I still think Nurmi messed with my cell phone). I rushed to febreeze myself and then went to Starbucks to get my usual Vanilla Latte. Unbeknownst to me, Jodi had told Donavan Bering AKA Newman from Seinfeld to tell the Skateboarders with screwdrivers that I had been insulting them. So As I rolled into the Starbucks lot, they were waiting for me with red, blue and yellow screwdrivers. I tried to flee but they were too quick. I squeaked for my life but to no avail. They pinned me down, took one of my left wheels, and said “We’re coming for the other wheels if you tell the police anything”. They then showed me a picture of my uncle, an old wooden chair, disassembled. So here I am without a wheel, without my latte, late, and trying my best to roll to court.

Nurmi was angry that day. I knew something was amiss when I saw him holding a bottle of pink slime & a burrito smiling like he was at an all you can eat Bloomin Onion buffet. He took a bite of the burrito & drank the entire bottle of pink slime. Then he winked at me. I cursed and Jean Casarez looked at me with disgust. Then Nurmi sat. His pants were saggy like a dirty diaper. The stench was so thick that I could taste it. I gagged. Nurmi had me right where he wanted me. I was utterly powerless. The next few hours I was in and out of consciousness. I prayed to the migraine Gods to help me out but they weren’t listening to prayers that day because they had migraines themselves. My squeaks got quieter and quieter.

I remember looking up at the clock around 6pm PT and the hands were blurring together. I started to go into a daze that Dr Samuels would later diagnose as a fog. Everyone’s voices got slower. Stabby’s pencil fell off the table in slow motion. Nurmi reclined even further. My back was nearly parallel to the floor. The last thing I remember was Wildabouttrial pointing at me and taking a picture of me. Then I lost consciousness.

I came to at the IKEA Emergency Room. A Chairmetic surgeon was attending to me with nurses everywhere surprised I had come back to consciousness. The stench, the exhaustion, & the leaked pink slime from Nurmi’s underside had taken its toll. The pink slime was even pumped from my cushion. It was a painful, embarrassing time for me.

From that day forward, I vowed never to let Nurmi conquer me…EVER AGAIN

When nurmi was picking his nose, did he wipe it on you? Don’t be embarrassed chair, everyone feels your pain.

He claims he was just scratching his nose. Don’t believe his lies. He was absolutely picking it. Need proof. Look. LOOK ON MY UNDERSIDE. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME (I glance at Nurmi’s chair’s underside and see tons of boogers/gum all over) . I found a yellow spree lodged in between my cushion and my back just the other day from February. A YELLOW SPREE. Who eats the yellow ones? He abused me mentally and physically.

Now he says he’s on a Pink Slime Diet. I am scared for my cushion when trial resumes

A philosophical question if I may. I believe it may have been a jury question that was overlooked. If a tree falls in the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone,
does the tree make any noise?

I’m almost positive that Stabby would say that the tree decapitated someone that day and not her.

Do you have a thing for Jenny From the Cell Block.

Here’s the deal with Willmott. She has been sexually harassing me since the beginning of the trial. Don’t believe me? Look at ANY sidebar. Just look. Watch her arm movements. She caresses my back one time while passing, spins me another time, another time she rolls me in, another time she flirtaciously touches my arm. It’s never ending with her. She’s always asking if I want to come back to her place after work. One time she asked me “Is your cushion lumpy or are you happy to see me”. I assured her my cushion was lumpy and she got upset. It is absolute sexual harassment from her end. I’ve told Judge Stephens about this many times but she just laughs it off. Willmott even took me to Applebees once, made Dr Geffner sit on me, and then asked the Dr to pour her water. Needless to say, I was drenched.

One time I was rolling home after a long day of work. She picked me up, put me in her minivan, and took me to Zumba Sentao. For those of you who don’t know what Zumba Sentao is, just google it. Its a vile and prehistoric exercise class involving chairs & workout moves. I have never felt so violated as I did after that class. I was treated like a Baconater from Wendys dangling in front of Nurmi

I called the Witness Stand Chair to tell her what had happened to me and she wanted to roll onto Willmott’s toes right then and there. I told her no. She was FIRED UP. I’ve never seen her so animated. I told Alyce Laviolette about the abuse and again she said I was the abuser this time abusing Willmott

But yes to answer your question, NO. I do not have a thing for Jenny. I am constantly telling her no. Willmott, if you are reading this, MOVE ON. I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What were stabby and Jenny whispering and giggling about?

Usually it was bizarre things. One time they had a staring contest. Another time Stabby had Willmott pull my heigh lever down while Nurmi was up there speaking. They were in their own world until late in the trial when Willmott got the heebee jeebees from Stabby. I tried my best to ignore those two.

Why does Nurmi hate stabby nine out of ten days? Where did he come up with that completely random number and how does he apply it?

First off, Nurmi spent days formulating an equation to calculate that number. He spent countless hours at an All You Can Eat Golden Corral Buffet working. When he brought it before Stabby, she rejected it and just said 9 because it was her favorite number. Nurmi said “Who am I to argue with someone whose IQ is higher than Einstein’s”. Poor guy took it pretty hard. I started to feel sorry for him until I quickly realized he shit his pants

Did you know that it would be the Jury Foreman that would ultimately develop a sick crush on the murderess? I ask because I was betting on him myself, I won 50 bucks.

I thought he was looking at me at first. It was a little disheartening (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Then I realized him and Stabby were looking at each other from afar. Almost communicating with each other telepathically. It was like a Dysfunctional and repulsive version of the Notebook. I had my MP3 player & speakers queued up to “Take my breath away” during closing arguments in case they glanced at each other longingly again but I never got the chance to play it after the bailiff took it from me.

Was there ever a time when you were jealous of the witness stand chair?

There were a couple cute witnesses up there but overall, I’m glad I didn’t have to put up with Laviolette and Samuels.

What is next for Nurmi’s chair?

Well I plan on taking this 54 day weekend to focus on me. I’ve been up early every morning, rolling outside in the beautiful weather, teaching yoga classes, doing core cushion exercises, and just loving the real smell of life. I’m doing much better. I still cringe in fear every time I hear a whoopie cushion but I’m getting better.

As for what’s next, I plan on pranking Nurmi again. See my GIF on my twitter profile. I’m hoping to catch him off-guard again.

Unfortunately, after this trial, I’ve been required to sit in the Zimmerman trial. They feel I can handle George zimmerman. I’m fucked

Thank you chair for this peek into your sometimes very difficult life.


The Stabby Diaries Part Deux

May 25, 2013

I can totally make shit up too – Arizona

Today’s episode of the Stabby Diaries is brought to you by Gravol.

Special Thanks to Stabby’s Pencil for being such a trooper, Stabby’s diary for having to contain all this nonsense, Stabby’s bangs for giving us a good laugh, Nurmi’s Chair for not spontaneously combusting, and Juan Martinez just because I love the little pit bull.

When we left off, it was Halloween 2008 and Stabby was going trick or treating pod to pod dressed as Norman Bates.

June 23, 2009 – Dear Diary,   OH.MY.GOD.  48 hours set up an interview with me.  I did it today.  I was sooooo fucking awesome.  And pretty.  So hot.  Since I have had so much time to think, I came up with a much better version of the “truth.”  NINJAS.  I know right, everybody loves a story with ninjas in it.  This one may get me that Emmy I so richly deserve.  So anyway, Home invading ninjas broke into Travis’ house to kill him, they were totally dressed in black with knit ski masks.  I chose the ski masks so they were more ninja like.  They had a knife and a gun, because that covers the knife and gun I brought with me, and I only lived because god reached down because I am such a good Mormon and misfired the gun.  Holy shit this stuff is gold.   They totally bought it.  And the part where I told them I bulldogged the woman so I could get to poor mortally wounded Travis, I almost cried I was so convincing.  Anyway, that explains why I’m not dead, how the knife and gun got there, and I look like a hero.  Yay me.  That should get me out of here.
Gonna go pack.  Later Diary.

December 2010 – Hey Diary.  Well, obviously that dumbass judge didn’t like my Ninja story because I am still here.  Whatevs, I am having a great time.  Everyone here really likes me.  They also realize that I am not only their intellectual superior, I am just superior.  I won Prison Idol today, much to the surprise of no one because I am just that good.  My pod mates and I all got a turkey dinner because I won.  I still haven’t figured out why I have to share my turkey.  Pffft, it’s Christmas, I guess I can be nice to these peons for at least one day.  Gotta go Diary, Mary just said something about carving that bitch up.  Turkey must be ready.  Later.

August 8, 2011.  You know what Diary?  I’m smarter than any lawyer I’ve ever met, so I’ve decided to represent myself.  I know I can do a better job than that asshole Nurmi.  Maybe if he fawned all over me like I’m used to, I’d let him still be my lawyer, but he won’t so he can suck it.  I will show him what no years of law school can do.  Judge Stephens says I can, but I have to keep Nurmi as advisory Council.  Fuck, I was hoping for a cuter and maybe more mailable assistant, but whatever.  I will just pretend he doesn’t exist.

August 16, 2011.  Dear Diary.  I am so pissed off I could refuse Anal right now.  How in the fuck am I supposed to defend myself when that stupid judge won’t let me admit evidence I fabricated.  I mean it’s not like it was a bad forgery.  Cripes it could totally be Travis’ hand writing.  This is all that nasty little prosecutors fault.  Hand writing experts.  Can he even DO that?  He’s just pissed because he knows he will never, ever get with this.  Yeah, that’s what it is.   And so what if this is story number three.  Nurmi assures me that self defense of nothing is a perfectly good defense as long as I can make enough shit up, and we both know I totally can.  God, that prosecutor is a dick.   Gotta go Diary, apparently my other advisory council is trying to bail.  Better write a motion or something.  Later.


Stabby Wants to live.

May 21, 2013

Really?  Said NO ONE ANYWHERE – Arizona

Wow.  I can’t believe after all this time, and all the pain that has been caused and all the bullshit we have all had to sit through we are almost at an end to the fuckery that is Stabby Einstein.

Jenny From the Cell Block found the bong and is taking the  close.   Apparently Alfred E. Nurmi is butthurt that all of his awesome mistrial motions have been denied and is working his way through an all you can eat buffet.  Jenny has obviously taken one too many bong hits today because she seems to be going on about what a wonderful (killed a guy in could blood with a knife AND a gun) human being Stabby is.  If it hadn’t been for all the mitigating factors that absolutely nobody would come and and talk about,she could have been a totally awesome human being…………WAIT, WHAT?  In-house Psychic, am I high?  No?  So, I really heard that then?  K Thanks.  Sorry.  Oh, now mother of Stabby is being dragged through the mud.  Apparently it is her parents fault she almost decapitated someone because her parents yelled at each other. So, wait.  We are supposed to spare her life because of her awesome family who Jenny now says abused her?  Seriously, I think I’m high.

Stabby has no shame.  Jenny just said that Stabby has very low self esteem and almost no ego.  And she said it without laughing.   sdshw4oyhethetjwerf……sorry my head hit the keyboard.  Wow, Jenny really, really wants that visit with Satan she’s been looking forward too because she is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Now it’s Travis’ fault he got himself stabbed 27 times, almost decapitated and shot because he told her she was the worst thing that ever happened to him. woehtfsonfsodlgfnmdr.….sorry, banged my head again.   Better go put on your traveling clothes Jenny, I think you are going straight to hell once this trial is over.

Stabby looks completely convinced she’s got this and Alfred E. Nurmi is taking bong hits every few minutes and pretending he is at an olive garden or something.

Jenny from the Cell Block appears to be wrapping it up, and Esteban Flores, Detective and dog handler extraordinaire is trying to get the catch pole and muzzle off of a completely seething pit bull.

Juan is absolutely frothing.  You can actually see the fury in his eyes.  I have to say Detective Flores looks almost as disgusted as the Juanderful Mr Martinez.  He has told them that Travis will forever be remembered as being 30.  Then of course he put up a picture of dead Travis and we have an objection.  Of course we do.  Overruled.  Juan is continuing to plow through the bullshit of the last half hour.  He is ripping apart every  mitigating factor that does not actually exist.  Hey, apparently Dr. Fog had a class on invisible mitigation factors right after the invisible gun class.  Wow, how very well rounded of him.    Juan has ripped down the hair, the art, Stabby’s age, now he is grabbing and shaking the pictures that stabby put up, telling them all of those experiences she will miss, he will never have again.

Nurmi’s chair can be heard begging for mercy since Nurmi is having a tantrum and refusing to get up.  His assistant is running burgers and pot to him.  I am also very frightened for Stabby’s pencil.  She is switching between scribbling hard enough to break the poor thing to clutching it with the obvious intent of plunging it directly into the pit bulls heart.

Bwahahahahaha.  Really Juan.  Adjusting someone would have made her a good friend, but according to her he’s full of crap.  OMFG that is possibly the most sarcastically amusing thing I have ever heard.

I believe Guinness has shown up to tape the world record for most objections in the history of EVER happening in Judge Stephens courtroom.

Jenny from the Cell Block will be yelling objection, mayweapproach as soon as she passes the bong back to Alfred E. Nurmi.  Aaaaand, she did.  Bitch!! She is totally just trying to knock Juan off of his game and we all know that is NOT gonna happen, so why bother.

Juan is back from the sidebar and he is more fired up then ever.  Stabby likes to play the victim.  There are no school reports of abuse, no police reports of the abuse….3,2,1 mayweapproach.  FUCK! They are up, they are back.  He is now barking again about abuse.  Travis’ abuse now.  There is no proof of any abuse from anyone.  EVER.  Now he is worrying the argument about points 5, 6 and 7.  They are successfully shredded.

Alfred E. Nurmi is now working his way thr0ugh the sundae bar portion of the buffet and Jenny from the Cell Block is back up.  The simple question before you is do you kill her……..FUCK YES.  Does she have value?  Now she is reiterating all the stuff that the pit bull said.  Jenny is being especially petulant.  She says that Stabby doesn’t feel entitled.  soldghaeothwoq454lxx .  I’m gonna need a Tylenol (now available in Stabby strength) after this.  Again with the lies?  Really Jenny, you really want to remind the jury of all the lies she’s told?  I personally wouldn’t have gone in that direction but hey, I’m not Einstein.  Oh good, she is once again going to throw the parents of stabby under the bus.  Stabby doesn’t like to play the victim?  Somebody slipped me a mickey didn’t they?

So, just to make sure we are all on the same page, you can commit any crime you want as long as you are artistically inclined, you have hair, you can read, and you pretend to have a fuck to give about anything that is socially relevant. All you special people don’t deserve the death penalty, no matter what you do.   Everybody clear?  Mmmmmkay.

Judge Stephens has for the last time charged the Jury and we are officially on verdict watch.


Stabby Apparently Doesn’t Have any Friends.

May 20, 2013

I have a migraine, can we cancel court? Arizona

Well kids, here we go again.

Stabby really, really doesn’t want to hear what the jury has to say about whether she gets to live or die.   Alfred E. Nurmi, using one of his last hail Mary moments, has requested a mistrial of the sentencing phase of the proceedings (seriously, is that a thing?) because druggy wuggy womak feels threatened.  My bullshit detector is going into overdrive.  He also asked for a mistrial due to previously mentioned prosecutorial misconduct because the pit bull is  a mean bad dog.  Stabby seems to just no longer care and Jenny from the cell block is very obviously high.

The Juanderful Mr. Martinez is up and he’s hot.  They didn’t bring the vet in today for some reason and Detective Flores is diligently trying to distract the frothing little pit bull with some good boy treats to no avail whatsoever.  Uh Oh.  Judge Stephens looks seriously pissed.  I am not sure at who yet, but she is definitely hot.

Alfred E. Nurmi is back up and he is pretty much calling the court and the prosecution out.  The Judge has allowed an atmosphere of intimidation.    Dude, really?  You want to fuck with THAT?  Just no man, go sit down and eat a cheeseburger.

Judge Stephens just denied all motions and I was right she is pissed.  She wants to know if it’s all good to bring the jury in now and Nurmi has now requested that he and Jenny from the Cell Block be recused because they can not provide adequate council.  Judge Stephens seriously has smoke coming out of her ears.  DENIED can we all fucking move on now.  Now they have no witnesses to present.   So, wait, let me get this right.  Druggy Wuggy Womak,  and the dude Stabby used to blow have decided they are not going to testify.  I get why Womack doesn’t want to testify, but I wonder what is going on with Brewer.  I personally think that everyone has just realized that she is just evil and they are all bailing.

Judge Stephens does not have a fuck to give and says, I assume the defendant is going to alocute and we get the now famous “mayweapproach.”   FUCK.

Court is dismissed for the day, reconvenes tomorrow at 9 am and we have another successful halt to the proceedings.  Gotta love putting off the inevitable.  I am also highly disappointed that we are not having he impromptu gallery opening we were promised.  I really wanted to see tracings of works I have already seen.  Now I am just sad.

Apparently Stabby is going to beg for a 2 movie deal tomorrow when she speaks.  Or something.  Who the hell knows with this Psycho bitch.  Guess we will all find out tomorrow.

See you tomorrow at 9


Stabby’s Day of Reckoning. I Reckon it’s About Time.

May 16, 2013

Tweet this, Bitch – Arizona

Today’s Blog is brought to you by: Industrial Lubricants of America, Fakor Eyeglass Frames, Tylenol for Migraine now Also available in Stabby Strength, IHOP  as always, GRAVOL, and American Standard Bathroom Supplies because there are currently not enough toilets in the continental US for this shit.

Juan has been successfully wrangled and instead of darting him this morning it looks like Detective Flores, our main dog wrangler has hidden his medication in some good boy treats.  Judge Stephens looks 50 shades of ready for this to be the fuck over and Stabby and the Funky Bunch look like they always do.  Stabby looks hostile, Jenny From the Cell Block looks stoned ( I actually thought she was asleep till she moved) and Alfred E. Nurmi looks….um…well fed!!  Jenny’s bald spot seems to be growing back in so she may yet win the beauty portion of the competition.  She also looks completely, absolutely shocked that she actually lost the law part of the competition.  While Judge Stephens reads the rules of this part, lets check in with the in house Psychic.

Hi everybody.  I am having a hard time getting a read today.  I can hear Jenny loud and clear.  She has quite the trucker mouth mind.  I thought Kelly had Potty mouth.  Boy was I wrong.  Anyway, hang on let me concentrate on Stabby.  Okay, I’ve got something coming in.  How in the hell did these absolutely dumber than me people get to decide that I was guilty of extreme cruelty.  Who got to decide that they got to decide.  I don’t remember getting a say.  As queen of the world, I should have a say on everything right.  Alright, fuck that, concentrate on what the stupid loser lawyer beside me told me.  Look contrite.  No, that’s the wrong one, I didn’t know what contrite was so she told me to look sad.  I hope this looks sad, I still have problems with trying to look like I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and sad.  Oh, looks like Nurmi is going to talk.  Look sad, look sad, look sad.  I wonder how soon after this I will be able to give a press conference?  Is my hair ok.  Stare at the jury and look sad. 

Thank you in-house Psychic.  Alfred E. Nurmi is up to bat.  Defense gets to open.  Nurmi is totally phoning this in.  He bailed out a week ago, but it has never been more apparent than today. One of the mitigating factors is that Stabby is a talented artist.  Firstly, pffffffffft, more like talented tracer and secondly, Jeffrey Dahmer cooked people.  Was “he was a talented chef” one of his mitigating factors?  Thirdly, what the hell does that have to do with the price of gas cans at Wal-Mart?  WTF? Seriously Alfred E.  THAT was the best you could do? She is a good friend?  So fucking what and to who?  Not Travis that’s for sure.    Nurmi has just said that Stabby is going to take the stand to try to save her ass.  The entire world is SHOCKED that she doesn’t really want to die and that was just a head fake to see if she could totally reverse psychologize our asses.  Oh look, I made up a new word for the Nurmi dictionary.  Yay me.  Nurmi finishes and Juan is up.

Whatever Detective Flores fed the  pit-bull is working because Juan is as mellow as I have ever seen his rabid little self.  He’s sooooo cute when he’s not trying to rip out someone’s throat.  Squeeeeeeee.

Nurmi has raised his head from the all you can eat buffet in the minute and 5 seconds that the pit bull has been speaking to the jury to get them called up to the bench TWICE.  He’s really, really good at objections.  Does he get paid extra for that?  Is it like motions, he gets so much per hour for every objection?

Juan has begun to dismantle the defense opening statement like his is happily shredding his favorite toy.  He is taking it apart with a single-mindedness that is blinding.

Judge Stephens has called a two-minute recess and Nurmi has uttered his new favorite word.  Mayweapproach?  Juan is approaching a slow boil because he is suddenly not a happy puppy.  Detective Flores looks worried the meds may be wearing off already and the vet on stand by has loaded the dart gun.  Juan appears to be barking at Judge Stephens and leaning closer and closer to Nurmi.  Nurmi seems to be concerned that he may smell like bacon and is trying to move away.

We’re back.  Judge Stephens has had Juan successfully darted and has directed him to start the victim impact statements.

Steven Alexander is addressing the Jury.  This is just heart breaking and I have nothing to crack off about here guys.  It is just, sad.   Steven is fighting hard to hang on to his composure.  It is very obvious that he loves his brother very much.  He is quite simply heart-broken.  He is losing it now a little.  I don’t know if he’s going to be able to finish without breaking down.  I will tell all of you right now, I am crying as I write this.  I can see and feel every bit of this mans pain, and so can the Jury.  Detective Flores is having a hard time not crying which tells you the impact this statement is having.

Samantha Alexander is next and it is every bit as heart breaking as Steven was.  I hope they take comfort in the fact that they are painting a true picture of Travis for the Jury, not the bullshit that has been spewed at them for the past months.  Samantha is choking back tears.  Samantha has finished with the words, “we would give anything to have Travis back.  ANYTHING. She managed to absolutely glare at mom of Stabby when she sat down.

Somebody needs to inform Stabby that actual crying requires tears be shed.  She isn’t fooling anybody.  She is pissing me off.

Judge Stephens broke for lunch and the Jury is to re-convene at 2 o’clock  which is probably good, because the Jury is as wrung out as I am.  Juror number 6 I am almost positive is crying and the rest are on the verge.

Since we have an hour and a half break, I am going to post this.  I will post the remainder tomorrow.  Everyone have a good night and everyone pray the Jury continues to do the right thing.


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