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The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.

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The Stabby Penalty Retrial – Definitions of words that will be thrown around

August 23, 2014

Here we go again – Arizona

Well hello my friends. Been a while hasn’t it? Since it has been so long since Stabby was convicted of first degree pre-meditated murder with mitigating factors. Since eventually there is going to be a penalty phase retrial, I thought there were some things that we should discuss.

First, I wanted to cover some things that some of you may not know. I have seen a bunch of things thrown around the internet about what the terms ex-parte, prima fascie etc mean and so far, they have all been wrong. In the interest of everyone being on the same page I thought it might be prudent to define these things so that everyone knows what they mean. I am sure there are lots that do, but cruise any internet site that talks about this trial and you will discover there are oh so many that think they do, WILL TELL YOU IN ALL CAPS that they do, but they don’t. Because I don’t want a bazillion people saying “that’s not what it means Kelly, first yes, it does, and secondly all definitions are from the legal dictionary instead of my own words.

ex-parte – An ex parte judicial proceeding is conducted for the benefit of only one party. Ex parte may also describe contact with a person represented by an attorney, outside the presence of the attorney. The term ex parte is used in a case name to signify that the suit was brought by the person whose name follows the term.

In Limine – Latin for “at the threshold,” referring to a motion before a trial begins. A motion to suppress illegally-obtained evidence is such a motion

Amicus Curiae – Latin for “friend of the court.” A lawyer who assists the court during the course of a hearing, to represent a position or interest, usually at the court’s request

Habeas Corpus – A court order used to bring a person physically before a court in order to test the legality of the person’s detention. Usually, it is directed to the official or person detaining another, commanding him to bring the person to court for the judge to determine if that person has been denied liberty without due process of law

Peremptory Challenge – The rejection of a prospective juror by the attorneys in a case, without having to give a reason. State law defines the number of peremptory challenges available.

Pro Se – A Latin phrase meaning for “yourself”–representing yourself in any kind of case

Subpoena Duces Tecum – A legal paper requiring someone to produce documents or records for a trial

Voir Dire – “To speak the truth.” The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses about their qualifications

Prima Facie – Latin, On the first appearance.] A fact presumed to be true unless it is disproved

Hope everyone finds these terms helpful during the penalty phase retrial. I know that Stabby has it firmly in her mind that she is getting a new trial for some reason but please remember this is penalty phase only. She is a convicted murderess. I don’t know why she doesn’t get that and we will be discussing it in further detail over the next couple of weeks. I am putting some stuff together and will be back with you soon.


I Don’t Want the Brown Haired Thing Back Yet, You Keep it for Awhile

May 9, 2013

Working as a roadie for the Charlie Danial’s Band-Arizona

Everyone was obviously in an absolute state of stunned disbelief when the courtroom floor did not immediately open up and Stabby the Brown Haired thing and her two Minions of Evil were not sucked back down from whence they came.  Being the inquisitive little thing that I am, I immediately had my in house psychic reach Satan and we Skyped for a while.  When I asked him what the hell, his answer was directly to the point.  “Kelly” he started in that Baratone voice of his ” I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but uh, Bitch be crazy, you can keep her for now.”  “Oh and by the way that tour guide job still stands whenever you get down here.” I thanked him for the info and job offer, told him he needed to polish his horns and turned Skype off.

Jenny From the Cell Block actually braced herself for a moment as if preparing for the inevitable.  She looked absolutely gobsmacked that not even one single person on the Jury believed the totally unbelievable lie she had cooked up for her little Stabby Friend.  When the courtroom floor didn’t happen, her look of Yay I’m going home turned into an ever bigger FUCK MY LIFE then the one she had on her face last week.

Alfred E. Nurmi was on one of his 9 out of 10 days that he doesn’t like Stabby, because the man just did not have a fuck to give.  My in house Psychic says something along the lines of “whatever dude, can we all just get the fuck out of here now, my high is wearing off and I am in desperate need of a cheeseburger, was going on in his head.  Once again, thank you in house Psychic.

I have to admit my friends, I did immediately go to the Stabby Twitter feed and post the following.  “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Really stabby, you thought someone would believe that?  She blocked me.  HOW RUDE!! As a side note, if you are on twitter, repost this, I don’t want her little friend to be able to go anywhere on twitter and not see this.

Oh good I see Charlie Daniels and the Boys have shown up a quick run through of “Devil Went Down to Arizona”  Yeah he re-wrote it just for the occasion.  Everyone thank Charlie.  Be right back I have to move some sub woofers.

Holy, those things are huge.  Anyway, the vet and his ever-present tranquilizer gun just showed up.    There’s Esteban Flores with a whole bag full of good boy treats.  A large van just rolled up and Juan was led out on a catch pole, muzzled and with two separate collars on him.

Looks like we just have to wait for Stabby and the Funky Bunch to show up and we are good to go for today.

Ok, I’m off to make popcorn and take a Xanax. It a preemptive strike in case Jenny From the Cell Block or Alfred E. Nurmi have to actually speak today.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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