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Stabby Updates And Some Thoughts on What Has Transpired In Canada Over The Last Two Days.

October 24, 2014

I wear combats, not fatigues and I work for a “lef-tenant”, not a “loo-tenant.”

I drive an Iltis, not a Jeep or a Humvee and the weapon I carry for my protection is a C7, not an M16.

I observe from, or take cover in, a trench and not a foxhole.

I don’t just speak English or French, nor am I bilingual. I can speak many languages.

Although I am trained to fight in a war, I don’t cause them.

When I am not deployed on a mission of peace, I travel all over my country; fighting forest fires, battling floods, rescuing lost souls or repairing damages caused by an ice storm.

I try not to take sides and believe in treating all humanity equally.

I don’t just go on patrols; I also clear landmines to make the area safe for everyone.

In my off-duty hours while deployed, I occupy myself by rebuilding schools or playgrounds and, I teach children in a war-torn country about peace and harmony.

I am my country’s best ambassador and I am respected the world over for what I do best.

I carry my country’s flag shamelessly and hold my head up high wherever I go.

I am….A Proud Canadian Soldier.
Author Unknown.

Hai everyone. It is your favorite blogger extraordinaire, Kelly “Really Big Mean Dog” or as I seem to be known is certain circles on twitter, “that fucking bitch that will not shut the fuck up.” I’m rather partial to the second one but it’s too long.

I have decided that for the duration of the Stabby PENALTY PHASE RE-TRIAL we are going to implement a palette cleanser of sorts: Sick Fuck Saturday. This will be where we will pick a trial from the past and I will tear it up much like my dog likes to tear up shoes….and chairs….and other assorted stuff. It should be fun and serve as a reminder that the criminal world does not revolve solely around Stabby Einstein. I was going to do it tonight, but I do have a couple of Stabby updates that are relevant and I want to talk about Cpl. Cirillo for a bit, as well as how Canada fits into wars and stuff. I think That Sick Fuck Saturday should be pretty fun and also interactive as I am encouraging you all to not only choose some old cases to talk about, but also if you feel so inclined, to send me a write up on a trial of your choice and if it’s good, I will post it and you will be the guest blogger of the Weekend. There will not always be a guest blogger, and if you send something and it does not get picked you have to promise to not be hurt. I also do not expect that your writings have to follow my particular style of using the word fuck in all of its forms. That is just the way I talk so don’t think that I expect you to follow suite, although you certainly can if you want to. My only expectation is that it be factual, and well written. I hope some of you at least will take advantage of this because I think it would be fun.

Our Nations Capital and Canada in general is still reeling from events that unfolded at the Canadian War Memorial and Parliament Wednesday. The terror in Ottawa started at just before 10 am, when witnesses stated that a man dressed entirely in black drove up to the National War Memorial in a purple Toyota that was devoid of license plates. He left the engine running and charged Cpl. Cirillo who was standing guard. The shooter hit Cirillo twice at point-blank range with a shotgun. The honor guard fell to the ground and the gunman appeared to raise his arms triumphantly.

The shooter then invaded the Centre Block, which is the main building of the Parliamentary complex. He shot off several more rounds, all of it captured by camera’s that were there because parliament was in session. The building was put into lockdown with our Prime Minister trapped inside. The PM attempted to exit but was convinced he was safer in the legislative chamber and he was hidden inside of a closet in case the chamber was breached. Legislators acted quickly, stacking tables and chairs in front of doors, and quickly turning flag staffs into spears. They were prepared to attempt to impale anyone who breached the chamber in an attempt to protect the Prime Minister. Kyle Seeback, a member of parliament managed to tweet that they were safe and locked in an office seconds before the police chasing the gunman unleashed a shit ton of bullets. It was a barrage of epic proportion. Terrified civilians scurried down scaffolding which was erected due to ongoing renovations.

John McKay, a member of Parliament actually thought that it was dynamite going off from the construction. It never crossed his mind that it was gunshots inside what should be one of the most secure facilities in Canada.

The lunatics rampage came to a sudden end when he crossed paths with our Sergeant-at-arms for the house of Commons, Kevin Vickers. Ironically, Vickers post is largely symbolic. So much so that he presides over his post wearing green robes, white gloves and a tall imperial hat while carrying a scepter. Want to know what else Kevin Vickers carries? A gun. One he is very, very adept at using. Vickers, 58, just whipped out the gun and blasted the attacker according to the justice minister and other officials who were present. Two other people were injured with nonlife-threatening wounds. Police with assault rifles and flak jackets continued to search the area for hours after Vickers took control of the situation because he really is just boss that way.

Cpl. Nathan Cirillo was just 24 years old and a member of the ceremonial honor guard for the tomb of the unknown soldier. He often interacted with the public, answering questions from tourists about the tomb, and parliament and any general questions that anyone had. He was described by some of the tourists he had spoken with as well spoken, polite, very proud of his post, happy to explain the origins of the tomb, and extremely proud to be Canadian. Cpl. Cirillo had a five year old son who he was raising as a single dad, and two dogs who were photographed looking what can only be described as bereft, like they were aware that their owner had fallen. The photograph of those dogs is haunting. It never ceases to strike me how in tune to their owners, dogs of soldiers seem to be. He was born and raised in Hamilton and it was there that he was taken today. I watched with mixed emotions as the motorcade made it’s way from Ottawa to Hamilton. Mixed because I am saddened by this pointless death, enraged that a soldier on his home soil was killed with no declaration of war, and proud of the way we as a country helped see our fallen Soldier home. Entire highways saw vehicles pulled to the side with occupants out of their cars saluting as the motorcade made its way past them. People came from all over Ontario and even from other provinces to help see the Soldier home. It was one of those moments that made me remember why I am so proud to call myself Canadian.

The shooter, Michael Zehaf-Bibeau was of course a recent convert to Islam. There is speculation that the death of Cpl. Cirillo and the attack on Parliament were in retaliation for Canada sending some of our bombers to help with the efforts to eradicate ISIS. This hasn’t been confirmed, but it is as good a theory as any.

I know that most of you, Canadian and American as well as my readers from across the globe have someone who has served your respective countries at one time or another. My father was in the Royal Navy during WWII. All three of my Uncles on my mothers side were privates during WWII. My Grand Da was a fighter pilot during WW1. The thing about that is, when you are at war, actively fighting in a war, you expect that there will be casualties. Death is a given. To shoot a soldier at a ceremonial post, one which anyone who does any research would know means that his weapon does not have any live rounds is the act of a coward. Yet more acts of cowardice from a cowardly extremist group.

Canada’s roll during wars has often been as peacekeepers, as aid givers, as the ones who try and maintain some neutrality. Don’t for a second think that makes Canada weak. When Canada is actively engaged in war, like WWI an WWII we fight like warriors. We have the exact same mentality as our neighbors and friends, the United States. We have their back and they have our back. It makes us collectively the most war savvy continent on the planet. We will back the United States plays if we are asked to do so, and we hope that if it were ever to come to it that the feeling is mutual.

Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, we are sorry you were taken so young from us for what amounts to no reason. There is no reasoning with mad men. I salute the soldier, the father, the son, and the Canadian that died while on duty at our War Memorial Wednesday October 22, 2014.

Now on to the Anal wart on the ass of the world, Stabby.

We all know that sometimes Judge Sherry Stephens lost control of this trial a long time ago. Like on about day one of the original trial. It seems that every time I think that she can’t possibly do anything more stupid than the thing she did before she takes it as a challenge and goes ahead and does something more stupid. It is this writers humble opinion that she has no business being a judge, and apparently I am not the only one that thinks that way. Several retired Judges, ex prosecutors and ex defense attorneys have come out publicly to chastise the Judge. I know there is the argument that she is trying to limit reversible error, but I am telling you all kids, that ship sailed a long time ago. The list of errors that sometimes Judge Stephens has made is way to long for me to write the whole thing out, but I will cover the big ones.

Since it is entirely in her prevue, Judge Stephens should have prohibited Jodi Arias from doing any interviews while the trial was ongoing and especially during deliberations. You can instruct a jury to avoid media and such till you are blue in the face, odds of that actually happening are very slim, no matter what anyone thinks. Humans are curious things, it is just our nature. Please don’t go there with the first amendment. I know you want too, but when the right to speak is likely to undermine the fairness of a difficult criminal trial it goes out the window. That and the judge would have been totally legally within her rights to do so. I do not to this second understand why she chose not to do that.

Sometimes Judge Stephens like I said lost control of the courtroom almost immediately. Her permissiveness in allowing the defense to drag out the case with ridiculous and incessant objections, the sidebars that inevitably went with them whenever the defense felt like it, which was all the time which was all just a ruse to drag out the case was transparent to everyone but Judge Stephens. Losing control of the courtroom undermines the very process that you have taken an oath to uphold and protect.

Judge Stephens forgot to read a portion of the jury instructions to the jury during the penalty phase of the trial. I swear to god I am not making this shit up. A sitting judge in one of the biggest trials in the history of ever completely left out part of the jury instructions. Jury instructions are kind of important. Just sayin’, although in this case with the train wreck the trial had already become, it probably didn’t make much of a difference.

The blackout of televised re-trial of the penalty phase. If anything screams, “dude I fucked up and now I must try and unring the bell” this would be the thing. Unfortunately, all she has done is given Stabbykins another thing to appeal on. I wasn’t given a fair trial because it was televised. Even the judge knows she made an error because she decided not to televise the re-trial. That is going to be on the list along with ineffective council because Nurmi was allowed to state on the record that he does not like his client. While it was funny, it was also either very calculated, or just Nurmi’s I have had enough of this shit moment. Either way Stephens should have immediately told the jury to disregard the comment.

Now the coup de gras: Sometimes Judge Stephens has granted motions in limine regarding smuggling of contraband, lack of remorse, requests to change council and threats against trial participants. What this means is that Juan Martinez may not present any facts regarding Stabby having things like that pinwheel picture that she sold for more money for the “Stabby is going for ALL the murder money” fund or any other things that ChaCha may or may not have smuggled into or out of the prison, he can’t present any evidence that Stabby does not have a shit to give that she killed Travis three times over and that her sudden altruism is simply to try and save her ass. He cannot talk about the fact that she threatened to have Juan Martinez “Stabbied” if she got the DP, and he cannot bring up the fact that she has tried to get rid of Nurmi, Nurmi has tried to get rid of her, or that she has and then has not represented herself on two separate occasions. So she has basically tied Juan’s hands behind his back, put a blindfold on him and told him to try and pin the tail on the Donkey. It is a completely ridiculous ruling. I almost get the not bringing up that she threatened to kill Martinez because that is basically she said, she said although testimony has been found to be credible, but not allowing him to bring up the smuggling which basically tells the jury she could give a flying fuck about jail or its rules and that she can very easily bend people to her will and not to allow him to bring up her lack of remorse make me want to throttle the sometimes Judge.

I asked once and I will ask again. In Arizona, you all have to go to law school and pass the bar and actually practice law before you all can become a seated Judge right?

So, that’s it for tonight my lovelies. Don’t forget Sick Fuck Saturday is tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.

Have a great night everyone, Really Big Mean Dog peacing the fuck out.

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Sherriff Joe Vs The Volcano – Whatever, it fit, don’t judge me.

September 11, 2014

Insanity really is relative – Arizona
See What I did there? So, it is my day three of my never sleep again tour. I have stabby, I have Pusstorias, I have a bunch of other shit that may turn into shit that I am working on and now I’ve had the anti upped by one Film Maker and all the shenanigans at the JusticeforStabby website. I am drowning in crazy.

Before we get into the meat and potatoes of this blog, I have to give a HUGE shout out to The Juan Martinez Prosecutor Support Page, because they have been ferretting out stuff for me all damn night. If you are into facebook go check them out, it’s a good site for info on what Stabby and the Funky Bunch are up to. https://www.facebook.com/JuanMartinezProsecutorSupportPage

I always thought Sherriff Joe was a Misogynistic little prick with a mean spirit and a huge dose of delusions of grandeur on the side. I still do. However his crazy is relevant to my interests and I find that all the mean things I said out loud about him are still totally true, except now it involves Stabby so I can’t hate it. Damn you Sherriff Joe. (Not really Sherriff Joe, if you ran for office right now and I lived there I’d vote for you.)

See, Sherriff Joe has been in the closet for a very long time and he was afraid to come out. That made me think he was a weak little man. I was sooooo wrong. He stepped out in spectacular fashion the other day. Sherriff Joe was a closet stabby hater. No more. Bitch stepped out of that closet, locked the door and burned it down. All under the brilliant guise of what is best for the prison and Arizona and the population of earth in general. He wrote this. It may be the most eloquent fuck off and die letter I have ever read. I laughed, I cried, I hoped for a second page. It was however the last paragraph that made me love Sherriff Joe.

To put it succinctly. I am in charge, she is not. She can pretty much suck it if she thinks the whole world doesn’t realize what she is doing. I am sick of all her whining demanding bullshit. She is lying. I am peacing the fuck out. You are DENIED. The whole letter appears below in case you haven’t seen it. There are no doubt going to be several other blogs today. Pusstorius for sure, and more on Stabby and the whole mess that is J4Stabby.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10635973_293197484207168_5941767300516486712_n.jpg?oh=8dc78723a18a934b944bbceef3f6ea01&oe=5485D9CB&__gda__=1419045491_a9278972d448288248898730d92c7152

K, now I’m peacing the fuck out. Gotta make coffee. No I don’t run on pure amusing venom. Don’t tell anyone.


Bwaahahahahahahahaha!!!

September 10, 2014

Oh Holy Fuck, the stupid whore’s resigning – Arizona

Oh hai everybody. It’s your favorite number one Stabby hater here with absolutely shocking news. spoiler (no one’s shocked)

In what could be yet her 9 millionth attempt at never having this trial happen, Stabby has once again reversed her decision to represent herself. Dun dun dun!! I gotta hand it to stabbykins. She is an inventive little fucker. Either that or she came out of the fog long enough to realize that Multiple personality disorder is a valid defense and she said fuck it let’s just go with that.

I know, I know you all have a bajillion questions and I may even have answers to some of them. Will it delay the trial? Odds are 9-1 against. Jenny from the Cell Block and Alfred E. have been kept on as advisory council so they have to be up to date on where she was going with this
.
Why the hell is Cha Cha Delarosa who is supposed to be her mitigation advisor tweeting all over the fucking place? 7-3 for Stabby made her do it.

Will Lisa now actually go and have an ice cream party in Las Vegas? 50/50. My theory is this always was meant to generate income for Lisa and the rest of the troglodytes mentioned in that phone call so I’m betting for. By the way, we are all invited. See. Lisa's icecream party

How does Juan feel about all this? Nobody knows, he can’t stop laughing long enough to answer.

How does Alfed E. Nurmi feel about this? He’s already been seen headed for an all you can eat buffet.

So we can now expect a fourth defense of “my other personalities made me do it” or she will have one of her council whacked to delay the trial again.

Stay tuned kids, it’s gonna be a loooooong night I think. And I’ve got Pistorius to deal with sometime tonight. *sigh* pass the gravol and the Stabby strength Tylenol.


The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Clusterfuck to end all Clusterfucks

August 28, 2014

This is getting too weird even for me -Arizona.

So looks like Stabby is going Pro-Se unless Judge Stephens will get rid of that mean old “I don’t like Jodi 9 days out of 10” hater Nurmi. If the judge will just bend to Stabby’s superior intellect, then Jenny From the cell block can represent her and everybody will be happy. ESPECIALLY Nurmi who would love nothing more than to peace the fuck out.

Since it seems that good old ninja loving stabby needs to be interviewed by someone and some kind of report needs to be filed from said interview I’m going to go out on a limb and call an insanity defense as a mitigating factor which would in effect if believed not allow her to be sentenced to death. I’m sure I read somewhere that you cannot visit the death penalty on the legally insane.

Today, to the shock of no one anywhere ever I found out that good old Stabby, true to form wants the judge to lift the ban on having no live coverage during the penalty phase retrial. I cannot say penalty phase retrial enough because I swear Stabby and the funky bunch seem to think they are getting a do over and she is not really a convicted first degree murderess with aggravating factors. speaking of aggravating factors I am going to need to stock up on valium, Gravol and Tylenol before this shit show starts once again.

She was also granted a motion to go into Travis’ old house. Well, not her personally but for her “investigator” to do it. To what end I have no clue, maybe to burn it down and blame it on the ninjas, who the hell knows with this nutbag.

Jury selection has been pushed back to September 29th because the mean old people at the mean old jail wouldn’t let her “witness” sign in the way she wanted them to be able to sign in and it caused a delay.

Here are my predictions. First, like I said she is going for insanity which is not that far of a stretch for her acting ability. Second, Nurmi is apt to have an “accident” while Stabby was feeling threatened by him because he was talking all mean and stuff to her. Third, Judge Stephens will go back on everything that she has supposedly already set in stone and the penalty phase retrial won’t start until 2045 and fourth, a full camera crew, makeup department and stunt double will be provided for her highness stabby.

I will keep you as updated as I can, but since just about everything is sealed right at the moment I can only get so much information.


The Stabby Penalty Retrial – Definitions of words that will be thrown around

August 23, 2014

Here we go again – Arizona

Well hello my friends. Been a while hasn’t it? Since it has been so long since Stabby was convicted of first degree pre-meditated murder with mitigating factors. Since eventually there is going to be a penalty phase retrial, I thought there were some things that we should discuss.

First, I wanted to cover some things that some of you may not know. I have seen a bunch of things thrown around the internet about what the terms ex-parte, prima fascie etc mean and so far, they have all been wrong. In the interest of everyone being on the same page I thought it might be prudent to define these things so that everyone knows what they mean. I am sure there are lots that do, but cruise any internet site that talks about this trial and you will discover there are oh so many that think they do, WILL TELL YOU IN ALL CAPS that they do, but they don’t. Because I don’t want a bazillion people saying “that’s not what it means Kelly, first yes, it does, and secondly all definitions are from the legal dictionary instead of my own words.

ex-parte – An ex parte judicial proceeding is conducted for the benefit of only one party. Ex parte may also describe contact with a person represented by an attorney, outside the presence of the attorney. The term ex parte is used in a case name to signify that the suit was brought by the person whose name follows the term.

In Limine – Latin for “at the threshold,” referring to a motion before a trial begins. A motion to suppress illegally-obtained evidence is such a motion

Amicus Curiae – Latin for “friend of the court.” A lawyer who assists the court during the course of a hearing, to represent a position or interest, usually at the court’s request

Habeas Corpus – A court order used to bring a person physically before a court in order to test the legality of the person’s detention. Usually, it is directed to the official or person detaining another, commanding him to bring the person to court for the judge to determine if that person has been denied liberty without due process of law

Peremptory Challenge – The rejection of a prospective juror by the attorneys in a case, without having to give a reason. State law defines the number of peremptory challenges available.

Pro Se – A Latin phrase meaning for “yourself”–representing yourself in any kind of case

Subpoena Duces Tecum – A legal paper requiring someone to produce documents or records for a trial

Voir Dire – “To speak the truth.” The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses about their qualifications

Prima Facie – Latin, On the first appearance.] A fact presumed to be true unless it is disproved

Hope everyone finds these terms helpful during the penalty phase retrial. I know that Stabby has it firmly in her mind that she is getting a new trial for some reason but please remember this is penalty phase only. She is a convicted murderess. I don’t know why she doesn’t get that and we will be discussing it in further detail over the next couple of weeks. I am putting some stuff together and will be back with you soon.


Q and A with Nurmi’s Chair

June 3, 2013

Chair PTSD is a thing – Arizona

Nurmi’s chair graciously agreed to do a Q and A where I supplied the questions via email and he supplied the answers. What we ended up with was a very candid look at the life of Nurmi’s Chair.

Tell us what it was like being thrust into the limelight and backside of Alfred E. Nurmi

As a former child star chair, I had grown accustomed to the spotlight. I was in many commercials as a young footstool so the limelight has never bothered me. My mother is Bengali and my father is Indian/Pakistani/Chinese/Amazonian tree. They wanted me to have a better life than they had in America so after I was assembled in Bangladesh & China, we moved here.

I came into this assignment innocent. Juan Martinez’s chair, Esteban Flores’s Chair, Willmott’s chair, Jodi’s Chair, The Witness Stand Chair, & myself all got the go ahead during chair duty. Basically, we drew straws to decide who would get which person. Unfortunately, I drew the small straw and got Nurmi.

I had 2 weeks to prepare for his size. I prepared with rigorous strength and core training programs. P90Chair, Reclines and uprights with weights on me, & rolling up hills for cardio. I even traveled to that crooked street in San Francisco to train.

Work was rough from day one. Nurmi told me to ‘shut up and be quiet’ after I squeaked in pain on the first recline. I responded by lowering my height lever making him not able to see over the defense table. From then on it has been a struggle of epic proportions. He’s got a method of torture in the form of a blender for me he calls ‘The Punisher’. He basically brings in food from Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, & McDonalds and blends them into a flatulence smoothie. This cheek rattling chair scorching concoction has caused me many sleepless nights & a ridiculous amount of money wasted on febreeze

I’ve recently had this repeated horrific nightmare of being the only chair at a Nurmi family reunion. It goes like this: I am enjoying the nice weather and then Nurmi + his family come out and decide to play musical Chairs. Because I’m the only chair, they all rush to jump on me and recline. My legs tremble & as I’m about to fall apart, I wake up with a cold sweaty cushion. I went to see Dr Samuels about this problem but that didn’t go anywhere because he kept filling out the test for me. So I went to Alyce Laviolette for a second opinion. She accused me of abusing Nurmi! So I Finally I saw Dr. DeMarte and she diagnosed me with PTSD from Nurmi sitting on me. I was relieved at professionalism I finally found

As for Nurmi himself, there are still things I cannot do because of him. I cannot watch any of the Lord of the Rings anymore because of the Eye of Sauron. It just reminds me too much of Nurmi’s anus. I cannot look at the sight of a donut without getting nauseous. I cant even play basketball anymore because the shape of the hoop.

This led to a variety of problems for me including a substance abuse problem with WD-40. It helped with the pain. I started off drinking Caster Oil but then graduated to WD-40 because it was stronger. I was a mess. I even had to go to the IKEA Emergency Room one night but I’ll talk about that later in detail. This 54 day weekend has really helped me mature as an inanimate object. My cushion has been centered. I have also found a great support group from twitter. My followers are the best. They have put up with me through my suspensions, rants, & health problems

As for us chairs, we are all pretty cool with each other. Juan’s chair and I have a good friendship. Flores’s chair is pretty quiet and keeps to himself but seems friendly. Willmott’s chair can be obnoxious at times but also fun at times. The Witness Stand Chair is sexy(I’ll get to that later). Unfortunately Jodi’s Chair has had some trouble. She’s developed a rash just under her left arm rest that’s not very conspicuous at all. Poor Chair. Now she’s also taking on Jodi’s personality. She’s become crazy and lies about everything. I won’t talk to her anymore. 9 days out of 10 I do not like her

There are rumors going around that you and Stabby’s Pencil were forming some kind of escape plot, true? What was the plan.

Stabby’s Pencil is an interesting character. She’s always sharp & never seems to need coffee. I honestly don’t know how she stays so sharp with all that doodling & erasing. We’ve only had a few arguments that I can remember and that’s mostly because she’s been lodged in my cushion lead first accidentally. It’s quite painful. In addition to that I’m also dealing with Nurmi reclining or his flatulence so sometimes I can have a quick temper.

She came to me with an idea awhile back. We called it “Operation Rollback”. Basically she had the bailiff tie a huge strong rubber band to my back towards the open door in the back and I would sling out with Stabby’s Pencil lodged in my cushion. We were ready to go until Nurmi caught wind of it and told Judge Stephens. She held me in contempt of court and I spent a couple of nights in the janitor’s closet as well as the Bathroom after Nurmi used it. It was traumatic

Tell us about your love life? I was pretty sure I caught you checking out the court reporters chair a couple of times?

The Witness Stand’s Chair and I have been off and on for about 3 months. She had a thing for me when the trial started but I never noticed her under LaViolette & Samuels sat on her. That all changed after DeMarte took the stand. All five of my legs got weak and my cushion palpitated. I started sweating WD-40. I approached her sometime after DeMarte left & I was so nervous. I asked her to roll out with me one night to a local sushi place and she said yes! Unfortunately that date was a bit awkward since I didn’t have a chance to febreeze properly after court.

The next night however, and I don’t mean to brag, we locked wheels. It was amazing. She just oozes sex appeal. Those beautiful five legs, smooth spring, great cushion, and her backside is incredible. We also had great intellectual conversations and had a lot in common. She’s been a rock for me throughout this trial. The usual 3-4 day work weeks with various court cancellations has also helped us roll closer to each other

Were you frightened at having to be seated so close to stabby.

I was fine until I started seeing pictures she copied of me upside down in the Pacific Ocean, pictures of me disassembled, pictures of me dropped out of a plane, etc. That was troubling and very unnecessary

What really frightened me was the day I made a wisecrack about her bangs. @Jodiariasbangs remembers this. I made statement to Nurmi and Willmott about how “Skateboarders with screwdrivers must have loosened a screw in her head in order for her to create bangs like those”. Willmott immediately told Jodi and I got the biggest death stare ever. Check it out. It’s @Stabbyspencil ‘s cover photo.

Needless to say, we haven’t talked since

Have you bounced back since the burrito day incident?

I get this question a lot. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I spent a weekend right there at the courthouse that night.

Jodi’s defense team had a goal to delay the trial as much as possible and trip up the prosecution through utter BS the entire trial. So that two days before that incident, on a monday I believe, Judge Stephens said that Wednesday would be a long day and that we would finish before closing arguments. I didn’t believe her so on Tuesday night I stayed up all night drinking WD-40, watching the movie “The Chair of Monte Cristo”, & reclining in general.

That morning, My alarm clock did not go off on time(I still think Nurmi messed with my cell phone). I rushed to febreeze myself and then went to Starbucks to get my usual Vanilla Latte. Unbeknownst to me, Jodi had told Donavan Bering AKA Newman from Seinfeld to tell the Skateboarders with screwdrivers that I had been insulting them. So As I rolled into the Starbucks lot, they were waiting for me with red, blue and yellow screwdrivers. I tried to flee but they were too quick. I squeaked for my life but to no avail. They pinned me down, took one of my left wheels, and said “We’re coming for the other wheels if you tell the police anything”. They then showed me a picture of my uncle, an old wooden chair, disassembled. So here I am without a wheel, without my latte, late, and trying my best to roll to court.

Nurmi was angry that day. I knew something was amiss when I saw him holding a bottle of pink slime & a burrito smiling like he was at an all you can eat Bloomin Onion buffet. He took a bite of the burrito & drank the entire bottle of pink slime. Then he winked at me. I cursed and Jean Casarez looked at me with disgust. Then Nurmi sat. His pants were saggy like a dirty diaper. The stench was so thick that I could taste it. I gagged. Nurmi had me right where he wanted me. I was utterly powerless. The next few hours I was in and out of consciousness. I prayed to the migraine Gods to help me out but they weren’t listening to prayers that day because they had migraines themselves. My squeaks got quieter and quieter.

I remember looking up at the clock around 6pm PT and the hands were blurring together. I started to go into a daze that Dr Samuels would later diagnose as a fog. Everyone’s voices got slower. Stabby’s pencil fell off the table in slow motion. Nurmi reclined even further. My back was nearly parallel to the floor. The last thing I remember was Wildabouttrial pointing at me and taking a picture of me. Then I lost consciousness.

I came to at the IKEA Emergency Room. A Chairmetic surgeon was attending to me with nurses everywhere surprised I had come back to consciousness. The stench, the exhaustion, & the leaked pink slime from Nurmi’s underside had taken its toll. The pink slime was even pumped from my cushion. It was a painful, embarrassing time for me.

From that day forward, I vowed never to let Nurmi conquer me…EVER AGAIN

When nurmi was picking his nose, did he wipe it on you? Don’t be embarrassed chair, everyone feels your pain.

He claims he was just scratching his nose. Don’t believe his lies. He was absolutely picking it. Need proof. Look. LOOK ON MY UNDERSIDE. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME (I glance at Nurmi’s chair’s underside and see tons of boogers/gum all over) . I found a yellow spree lodged in between my cushion and my back just the other day from February. A YELLOW SPREE. Who eats the yellow ones? He abused me mentally and physically.

Now he says he’s on a Pink Slime Diet. I am scared for my cushion when trial resumes

A philosophical question if I may. I believe it may have been a jury question that was overlooked. If a tree falls in the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone,
does the tree make any noise?

I’m almost positive that Stabby would say that the tree decapitated someone that day and not her.

Do you have a thing for Jenny From the Cell Block.

Here’s the deal with Willmott. She has been sexually harassing me since the beginning of the trial. Don’t believe me? Look at ANY sidebar. Just look. Watch her arm movements. She caresses my back one time while passing, spins me another time, another time she rolls me in, another time she flirtaciously touches my arm. It’s never ending with her. She’s always asking if I want to come back to her place after work. One time she asked me “Is your cushion lumpy or are you happy to see me”. I assured her my cushion was lumpy and she got upset. It is absolute sexual harassment from her end. I’ve told Judge Stephens about this many times but she just laughs it off. Willmott even took me to Applebees once, made Dr Geffner sit on me, and then asked the Dr to pour her water. Needless to say, I was drenched.

One time I was rolling home after a long day of work. She picked me up, put me in her minivan, and took me to Zumba Sentao. For those of you who don’t know what Zumba Sentao is, just google it. Its a vile and prehistoric exercise class involving chairs & workout moves. I have never felt so violated as I did after that class. I was treated like a Baconater from Wendys dangling in front of Nurmi

I called the Witness Stand Chair to tell her what had happened to me and she wanted to roll onto Willmott’s toes right then and there. I told her no. She was FIRED UP. I’ve never seen her so animated. I told Alyce Laviolette about the abuse and again she said I was the abuser this time abusing Willmott

But yes to answer your question, NO. I do not have a thing for Jenny. I am constantly telling her no. Willmott, if you are reading this, MOVE ON. I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What were stabby and Jenny whispering and giggling about?

Usually it was bizarre things. One time they had a staring contest. Another time Stabby had Willmott pull my heigh lever down while Nurmi was up there speaking. They were in their own world until late in the trial when Willmott got the heebee jeebees from Stabby. I tried my best to ignore those two.

Why does Nurmi hate stabby nine out of ten days? Where did he come up with that completely random number and how does he apply it?

First off, Nurmi spent days formulating an equation to calculate that number. He spent countless hours at an All You Can Eat Golden Corral Buffet working. When he brought it before Stabby, she rejected it and just said 9 because it was her favorite number. Nurmi said “Who am I to argue with someone whose IQ is higher than Einstein’s”. Poor guy took it pretty hard. I started to feel sorry for him until I quickly realized he shit his pants

Did you know that it would be the Jury Foreman that would ultimately develop a sick crush on the murderess? I ask because I was betting on him myself, I won 50 bucks.

I thought he was looking at me at first. It was a little disheartening (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Then I realized him and Stabby were looking at each other from afar. Almost communicating with each other telepathically. It was like a Dysfunctional and repulsive version of the Notebook. I had my MP3 player & speakers queued up to “Take my breath away” during closing arguments in case they glanced at each other longingly again but I never got the chance to play it after the bailiff took it from me.

Was there ever a time when you were jealous of the witness stand chair?

There were a couple cute witnesses up there but overall, I’m glad I didn’t have to put up with Laviolette and Samuels.

What is next for Nurmi’s chair?

Well I plan on taking this 54 day weekend to focus on me. I’ve been up early every morning, rolling outside in the beautiful weather, teaching yoga classes, doing core cushion exercises, and just loving the real smell of life. I’m doing much better. I still cringe in fear every time I hear a whoopie cushion but I’m getting better.

As for what’s next, I plan on pranking Nurmi again. See my GIF on my twitter profile. I’m hoping to catch him off-guard again.

Unfortunately, after this trial, I’ve been required to sit in the Zimmerman trial. They feel I can handle George zimmerman. I’m fucked

Thank you chair for this peek into your sometimes very difficult life.