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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law – The “You’re a Dick! No, You’re a Dick!” Hearing

November 22, 2014

Hello Students.  Please stand and face Florida for the singing of the Class anthem.  Now Salute!! Thank you take your seats.  Your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery has had a very trying day.  There is nothing that I hate more than hearings.  Any kind of hearings.  Ones that have bearing on a case at hand are enough of a pain in the ass never mind the ones we are going to be talking about today where it is nothing more than a pissing contest in order to waste even more time than has already been wasted.

Before we start class, I have some announcements.  We have reached the half way portion of the term.  Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far as well as congratulations to Deb on giving up her sharp instrument fetish as well as to Silly for her stunning knife collection.  We will begin campaigning for who will give the fuckology address at graduation, so get out there and flog for votes.  Oh, and since ultimately it is my decision, I suggest bribes.  Remember what I told you in class before. If opposing council offers you large sums of money and nobody saw it, did it really ever happen?  In the event that your Law Professor needs to take some time off, BlueWhiteRed has agreed to run the class for me while I am away.  You will of course make your Dean of Fuckery proud and make sure to take notes and turn in all assignments on time.  BWR will be fielding all emails, comments, and will no doubt be requesting some guest blogging so please think of some subjects you may want to write about.  This is only if I don’t feel that I can blog while I convalesce.  The doctor assures me that if I am feeling up to it, I can blog from the hospital so we will see.

Take out your tablets, this is something that as lawyers you are unfortunately going to have to deal with on probably more than one occasion.

There are many reasons for hearings to be held.  There could be a problem with a witness.  There could be accusations of Jury tampering, there could be hearing regarding what evidence is admissible or whether an expert witness needs to be qualified.  These are all perfectly valid reasons to hold hearings.  Then of course there are the bullshit hearings that are meant to do nothing more than waste time and try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.  In this category there is the “I need 127 more months with the evidence because 6 years wasn’t enough” hearing, the “I am offended by the press that I loved long time during the first trial” hearing and when all else fails and both sides want to punch each other directly in the nuts, there is the “you’re a dick! No. You’re a dick!” hearing.  That is the hearing we will be concentrating on today.

The “you’re a dick. No, you’re a dick hearing is basically where opposing council, a court reporter, the judge, depending on who council is a vet with a tranquilizer gun, two or three fake experts, the defendant in all its jingly jangly glory, the representatives of the family of the victim if they so wish and if it is a really good hearing usually a referee and a couple of medics. Once everyone is present the hearing will begin. Except it won’t because defense council will immediately begin telling the sometimes Judge at the hearing that he does not want his client filmed during the hearing. Just as a side note, if you passed contract law and you want to be a defense attorney, you can usually wrangle being paid by the word or word and length of trial. Things to remember when deciding what specialty to go into. Once defense is told to sit on it and spin the hearing can begin.

There will be some vaguely believable reason to have the hearing.  It will usually start with one lawyer calling the other lawyer a big fat liar liar pants on fire.  The insulted party will than usually come back with something like I’m not the liar, you are the liar and your expert is an idiot.  The first lawyer will generally come back with my expert is less of an idiot than your expert because they can make shadow animals in eyeballs to which offended lawyer number one will laugh and say oh yes the Taco Bell dog, I remember it well. He will likely present a visual just to prove he does remember this particular idiot expert. taco bell dog

 

After a bit more back and forth, the inevitable You’re a dick. No, you’re a dick will be given voice and that is when the fun really begins.

If you are dealing with a particularly um……lively attorney, tranquilizer darts 1 and 2 will likely be deployed and everyone will hope they have some effect.  There will generally be back up darts on hand just in case.  Then and only then can the battle of the idiot expert witnesses begin.

The referee will likely position himself between opposing council and near the top corner of where idiot expert number 1 is seated.

Opposing council will each have a go at each idiot expert.  It will quickly become apparent which side each idiot expert is working for.  Every once in a while you will get a bonus and you will have an idiot expert that was formerly and idiot expert in a different area of expertise.  Those are always a good time.  They are ALWAYS the cocky ones.

Lets say we have suddenly missing files on a computer hard drive.  Defense council will say that prosecution council knew about the files and deleted them on purpose.  Prosecution council will deny that this ever occurred.  Prosecutions idiot witness will say that there were ZERO files on the computer.  Defenses idiot expert that has already failed in one discipline will say that that there were 800 billion porn files that were deleted and will then proceed to get into an epic pissing match with the prosecuting attorney.  If you have a prosecuting attorney who needs to be tranquilized prior to being turned loose on witnesses, this is not generally recommended but can be hysterically funny.

First, the attorneys will argue with who asked for the evidence, who had the evidence, who turned on the evidence, how long they turned it on for, whether it was even the correct evidence, if there was even evidence and eventually it will get blamed on some third party who no longer has anything to do with the trial. This attorney will then become offended and they will offer testimony of the it wasn’t me variety. See our second class of the case study of the it wasn’t me defense. It wasn’t me will blame the prosecuting attorney, the prosecuting attorney will blame it wasn’t me and one or more of the idiot experts and if he’s good, like Juan Martinez good he will even get it alluded too that the defendant itself did it onto the record.

In extremely rare circumstances you may get an idiot expert that chooses that particular moment to completely lose their shit and that is when you leave stupid boring hearing and you have a party on your hands. This is also when you get to find out why there is a tranquilizer gun and a referee on hand. For brevities sake we will refer to idiot expert as BN for Big Numpti. BN may take several moments to up his laptop so that it can be projected onto the big screen. The BN will then explain what the current iteration of his area of idiot expertise is. The BN will then go over all the rules of forensics as he understands them. The first rule of forensics is that you don’t talk about forensics………..wait, I may have that mixed up with something else, your Law Professor is very tired. Anyway, BN will then go over the last time the drive with the missing files was turned on (maybe he tells it how hot it is and asks if it wants to see his disc drive or something who the fuck knows) how long it was on for, what it did while it was on, then BN will explain that turning the cpu on and off without an NCASE program in place violates forensics protocols. Then BN will go over of the Trojans and viruses that caused some of the porn files to magically appear and that there were also tons, like 80 bajillion porn files that were manually accessed. (why does manually accessed sound dirty when coupled with the word porn?) This type of Q and A will last for the better part of forever and you will probably fall asleep five or six times during this part of the hearing. It is only when the prosecutor gets up to examine the idiot witness that the fun and games begin.

First BN will say there were 166000 porn files on the hard drive. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. SIXTY. SIX. THOUSAND. this will be your clue that this particular BN is going in. The prosecuting attorney who has already been tranquilized will choose that moment to show the entire room that the dope doesn’t work anymore and snap at the BN “YOU’RE GUESSING RIGHT? YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.” BN will let us know at this moment that he has for sure gone insane when he refers to the prosecuting attorney BY. HIS. NAME. and fire back that the thing was packed with porn. Phones with missing sim cards may come up, and if the prosecutor is good like I said they will get it insinuated on the record that the defendant did something with the evidence to get rid of it. The BN may try to argue the point and the referee may have to jump in the middle to hold the prosecutor off long enough for another dart to be deployed before he snaps out “YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN THESE PHONES WERE SEIZED WERE YOU?” The prosecuting attorney will be by now foaming at the mouth at being challenged by the BN. It will quite frankly piss him off. If you think the prosecutor is dangerously angry at this point, start placing side bets on what it takes to push him completely over the edge and hope the BN says something like “Your question is irrelevant.” Then hope you bet within the next 60 seconds as the BN says “You don’t understand computers.” that should do the trick in most hearings of this nature.

The prosecuting attorney at this point should make suggestions that BN himself broke the hard drive. The obviously insane BN will have some charming retort like that is just slimy. Twice. The sometimes Judge attending the hearing will at about this point notice that the prosecuting attorney is very close to launching and possibly mauling the BN to death so the hearing will be called for the day and not reconvened for about a month, hopefully giving the veterinarian time to find some new kind of tranquilizer to use at the remainder of the hearing.

There you have it class, the You’re a dick! No. You’re a dick! hearing. Have a lovely evening.

Class dismissed.

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The Never Ending Stabby Einstein Penalty Phase Retrial- The Psychological Vomit Edition

November 20, 2014

You’re going to need a bigger bucket – Arizona

Hai kids, welcome to yet another edition of the trials and tribulations of Stabby Einstein and the whole entire funky bunch. Todays post is brought to you by Shirley’s House of Pain and Pleasure where their motto is “If you or someone you know has a kink, we can turn it into a mitigating factor for you.”

Since this is just kinda the way we roll now I will provide you with updates before we get into the meat of todays trial.

I am going to live. Sorry PV. I do not need a heart transplant and yes that was apparently a possibility for a while, but the docs have decided that I do not, they can fix what is broken in mine. I have something called Ebsteins Anomoly. I am going to have to have two heart valves replaced which I know sounds really scary, but sounds much less scary than a removal and replacement of my heart. The also have to do some procedure while they are in there to help with the electrical impulses in my heart. Not a pacemaker but along the same idea.

Now that we have that all taken care of, onto todays big bunch of bullshit that is the retrial that will never end.

The day began with Great Nana Dr. Sexpert back on the stand to tell some more of the story that the defense paid her to tell. Dr. Sexpert begins by saying that Travis did not see Stabby as a real person outside of the bedroom. My immediate question was since I don’t see her as a real person now, does that make me a bad person? Today Great Nana Dr. Sexpert is also getting into Travis’ so called vulgarities apparently criticizing Stabby for looking cheap. I think she left the whore part off, cheap whore sounds much more appropriate to me.

Stabby and Jenny From the Cell Block were barely aware there was a trial going on around them they were so busy whispering and giggling with each other.

Dr. Sexpert, who is an expert on the subject because she was likely there when sex was invented and may or may not have gone to pre-school with Jesus is somewhat less than believable when everything that Stabby did was okay and everything that Travis did was deviant sexual behavior. They are paying her $275 per hour to say what they want her to day and after three mind numbing day on the stand where we have learned that the sex expert doesn’t know what Jizz or a fuckbuddy is, is finally getting to the day of the murder.

Juan is objecting to everything Nurmi asks. Great Nana Dr. Sexpert says it was a vicious killing, Horrible and Juan objects to the word horrible. She keeps trying to describe the scene that day and Juan keeps objecting, I’m guessing because she wasn’t there so she has no foundation to describe the scene. Nurmi tries again. Was this murder viscious? Yes. Was it horrible and Juan objects and is sustained again on horrible. Nurmi asks how you go to sex four hours earlier to that and Juan objects and there is a sidebar. Again, just my opinion, but since the she wasn’t there refereeing, there is no foundation for her to answer the question. We sidebar right up till lunchtime. Since everyone is aware that Juan is going to be up on cross at some point in the near future the vet is quietly brought in with extra tranquilizer darts and a case of goodboy treats are deposited on the prosecution table. The vet is looking decidedly nervous since Juan has been on full snarl since trial started this morning.

After lunch Alfred E. says he has just a few more questions. Dr. Sexpert says something happened in that bathroom but she doesn’t know what because she wasn’t there to which the entire planet replied “No. Really?” Nurms tried to wrap everything into a nice tidy this all happened because of abuse bow while a snarling and snapping Juan objected to everything through the muzzle that was about to be removed.

She says that what happened in that bathroom was Psychological vomit. Now there is a catch phrase for an office pamphlet. We specialize in psychological vomit. I know I’d want her for my paid expert. I got some vomit for ya, you crazy old bat. This by the way is Great Nana Dr. Sexpert. great nana Dr. Sexpert 2 She looks a lot more like an expert in mahjong than in deviant sexual behavior.  My lawyer emailed me about 3 hours ago and all it said was HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sex expert. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Flores quickly removed the muzzle and threw himself backwards while the vet aimed and fired. The first dart hit home but we won’t know for a few minutes if it is having the desired effect.

The dart didn’t work. “When her father smacked her across the back of the head and she yelled “FUCK YOU BILL” would you call that suffering in silence like you have been alluding too? Suddenly Great Nana Dr. Sexpert didn’t look quite so comfortable on the stand. Nurmi of course objects to everything. At one point I think he may have objected to his own objection.

Juan asks about a transcript of an interview with Carl. Dr. Sexpert says she never reviewed that transcript. Juan then barked out who is Carl. Dr. Sexpert answered (and I’m not making this up) Stabby’s Father. Once he was done laughing Juan said no, it’s her brother and then he said (you stupid useless bitch) in that tone only other dogs can hear.
Juan is demanding yes or no answers and Dr. Sexpert seems to think she doesn’t have to provide them. I guess she didn’t see what mincemeat LaToilette looked like and it looks like she may be headed in the same direction. He wants to know if she reviewed all the documents and she seems unsure and then he did it. He asked Dr. Sexpert if she was having problems with her memory and I laughed till I almost fell out of my chair.

It has been under 20 minutes and Great Nana Dr. Sexpert is beginning to crack like a walnut. A really, really old walnut. Nurmi of course is trying to do damage control and asked for a sidebar I would assume to let his expert collect herself. Good luck with that Nurms. Your expert is not prepared.

Sidebar is over and it would seem that Dr. Sexpert is anxious to spar with the mighty pit bull. Maybe it was all the talk of sexual deviance that didn’t exist that got Great Nana Dr. Sexperts juices flowing but she was definitely ready to roll around with Juan for a bit and Juan was every bit as ready to make her his bitch. And he proceeded to do just that. Juan asks a question, she tries to dance and it is that moment that sometimes Judge Stephens remembered that she is indeed sometimes a Judge and ordered Dr. Sexpert to answer. The good Doc seemed less than amused that she was not allowed to continue to offer complete dissertations instead of yes or no answers. Stabby was in deep discussions with Jenny from the Cell Block probably telling her she better get a leash on this expert or she was gonna get Stabbied. Juan got her to admit that she flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend and was not the stable slice of happy that Dr. Sexpert was trying to make her out to be.

Juan is now showing Dr. Sexpert a whole shit ton of papers that she has never seen. I’m SHOCKED. They all say that Stabby is a sociopath. Dr. Sexpert had no idea. It was a beautiful moment. She also has no idea at what point Stabby and Travis became a couple. Silly little facts that are maybe kind of important. She finally just agreed to go with 2007. YAY we’ve made progress. Juan actually had to prod her by asking if she watched the 48 hrs program. Dr. Sexpert said yes. Juan said do you recall her saying the date that they started dating? She said she vaguely remembered something like that. Pesky damn details anyway.

Dr. Sexpert didn’t feel that Stabby’s admitted violent streak, you know the one where she kicked holes in walls, smashed mirrors, maybe strangled a cat and disappeared a dog were not important facts to consider after a vicious murder. She outright admitted that Stabby’s anger issues had no bearing on her opinion on the case. (and then Jenny had someone wheel some more money out to Dr. Sexperts car) She said that Travis was the poisonous ingredient in the relationship and Stabby being a violent sociopath had nothing to do with it.

Juan asked if she was a mind reader for trying to answer questions before they are asked. She said she wished which of course is the totally professional thing to say in answer to that question.

Juan jumped slightly forward as another tranquilizer dart was successfully deployed and then continued with his questioning although he did seem to mellow just a little. He wanted to know if she knew the secret. She was rendered speechless. Of course he was referring to the Secret that Stabby adhered to that was in the notes that Dr. Sexpert had obviously not read.

Nurmi had a very bad day objection wise. He got overruled almost every time. Ahhhh, they must have had a lovers quarrel. Dr. Sexpert admits that all the info she went by was provided by the defense because that is who she was hired by.

Juan then put up the text about how she was getting her cooch waxed so it would be nice and smooth and asked Great Nana Dr. Sexpert which one of them instigated that particular email and poor Dr. Sexpert had to concede that it was the totally not seasoned stabbykins.

Court was dismissed till Monday at 9:30 am and we have a hearing about Nurmi’s evidence tampering tomorrow. YAY!! It would be so cool if he conducted the rest of his trial from closed circuit television from a prison cell.

That is it for tonight kids. Have a great night and I will C U 2morrow if I get anything about the hearing.

RBMD Peacing the fuck out.

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Since Nothing Is Pressing In The World Of Crime Today This Will Be An Update Blog Plus Some Additions To The Big Book Of Words

November 18, 2014

When it comes to this farce of a penalty phase retrial, a day off is not necessarily a bad thing – planet earth

Hai everybody.  Welcome to a Really Big Mean Dog update blog, plus we have some new entries to the Big Book of Words.  YAY!!

I find it highly amusing that it always seems to be the “experts” and the lawyers and those more Einstein-y than us that come up with all these new and awesome words.

For those of you that may have missed my blog last night, Charles Manson has applied for a marriage license.  I read something about this months ago but of course Charlie being a complete nut bag denied the whole thing saying it was just another groupie and alluding to the fact that he was just using her for whatever she could put in his commissary.  The woman goes by Star and she is a couple of fries short of a happy meal.  Rolling Stone did an article in 2013 which I read and kept a copy of.  You can see it here. http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/charles-manson-today-the-final-confessions-of-a-psychopath-20131121  It is an interesting read and I recommend it if you are interested in Manson at all, or in the very special type of fruit loop that he continues to draw in.

We had quite the lively discussion going in the comments about the whole pedophile thing and how sickening it is that the Alexander family is being put through all of this yet again.  I stated my opinion in last nights blog, but that begs another question or 14.  Even if (and I want to emphatically stress that I do not in any way whatsoever believe that Travis had any sexual proclivities towards children) this was the case that he fantasized about young girls, does a fantasy, even one that is that sick warrant death if it is a fantasy?  I will tell you all a secret about me. I used to fantasize almost daily about killing my ex. How I would do it, how I would try and cover it up, what weapons I would use, the fact that the first thing I would do was stab him directly in the junk and then shove a heated curling iron up his ass, whether or not I could feed him to the dogs. It got pretty intense. All of those things were illegal, but they were just fantasies. Should I have been thrown in prison for thinking those things? Should I have been killed because of them? You cannot be put on trial for crimes that you might commit. While we are on the subject of being put on trial; the trial is over and Stabby was convicted of first degree aggravated murder. This is supposed to just be the penalty phase retrial so why is Alfred E being allowed to deliver his case in chief all over again? Why has nobody put a stop to this? This is supposed to be about mitigation only. Not that there is any, but why is this being allowed to continue.

Ross drove me to my test today again and I was saying that I wished there was a way I could pay him back for all the kindness. He reminded me of something. When I first bought this place, maybe my third year here, fall was setting in, Ross had a bunch of things that needed to be done and he broke a hip falling off of a tractor. He has sons but they work far away and it was hard for them to get down unless it was the weekend. Ross would not hear of a little tiny girl coming to do the stuff that needed done, so one night I had this idea. I would sneak down to his farm after 11pm and I would put up hay, or pile wood, stuff like that every night for a week before he caught me out. I wasn’t scared down there. I love Ross’ farm. The barn is warm, he’s got good equipment and there was no way I was going to leave an old man hanging with none of the stuff that absolutely had to be done undone because he had an unfortunate accident. I had just finished putting around 200 bails of hay into the loft and when I dropped down there he was on a pair of crutches with his wife beside him holding hot cider and cookies. She had tears running down her face. Ross looked stern, like he was mad at me for a minute, but then he stepped forward and just shook my hand. I smiled and took a cookie and around a mouthful of it I said “see, I told you I was a farm girl born and bred.” He laughed and apologized for doubting me because of my gender and size and told me he would never forget it. He healed up and got the rest of his stuff done before winter set in but he said he would have never done it without me. I shook it off then. That is just how we do around here Ross I said to him and he nodded agreeably. So today when I said I didn’t know how I could pay him back he said he figured he still owed me a full hay mow and enough wood stacked to get through the winter. Brought tears to my eyes he did. It means that nobody owes anybody anything. We are neighbors and we just do for each other because that is how we roll out here.

The dogs are doing great. Even Bruno, the most damaged dog possibly on the planet because of the asshole that almost killed me is turning into a different dog. I still would not consider him safe around people, but he is now safe around the other dogs and today he even played with peanut. Little tiny peanut who he could crush like a walnut with one bite was played with so gently that I was moved by it. The only thing that Bruno loves or trusts is me and I guess he has decided that if I love the little mop dog than he can safely love her too. I can still hear the vet telling me that he was so mentally unstable he needed to be put down and me getting downright angry and explaining the things that had been done to Bruno and that it was not his fault that he was the way he was and there was no way I would ever do that to him. He told me that if he ever got loose someone would be killed, so I told him that I would be extra careful. Bruno has gotten loose. As long as he doesn’t feel that I am being threatened or that there are strangers on his property, he couldn’t care less about other people. They don’t exist to him. Today he laid down on the floor and let peanut maul at him and his little stumpy tail never stopped going sixty miles an hour. He was said when peanut got bored. He and Mya and Happy and Panzer are all one big happy pack. The other dogs do not challenge him for the alpha spot, and even if they did he would use his size to drive them down and make them submit before he ever used his teeth. That dog has come a million miles. If he can do it, so can I.

Taco spent most of the time the dogs were playing walking across my keyboard, which is his favorite thing to do. I don’t know if it is the clicks that amuse him or the way the buttons sink and come back up, but that guinea pig would spend the entire day running back and forth across the keys if I would let him. He makes happy little chirpy noises and does it for hours. Back and forth and back and forth. It is hilarious to watch, and more hilarious to watch kitty friend watching Taco play on the keyboard. Kitty friend and Taco seem to have an agreement of some kind because they also have nothing but love for one another. They will sometimes cuddle up together and go to sleep.

Our resident expert on the stand for stabbykins Dr. Sexpert has been kind enough to give us a couple of offerings for the big book of words. Apparently I was mistaken and Jizz is not just jizz. It is jizzle. JIZZLE. Seriously. The expert on sexual kink also had no idea what a fuck buddy is, so to help her out I am adding that to the book of words. And just so you all know, anybody that texts after 11pm is totally a perv so stop it all you pervs out there. Just stop.

Finally, I wanted to thank you all for your words and thoughts of support while I deal with whatever is going on with my heart. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that so many people care about what happens to me. From someone who spent their entire life with nobody, it is an awfully comforting feeling. And to those of you who have donated to the blog a HUGE thank you. Thank you for appreciating the time and effort and research that I put into my writings.

That is it for tonight kids. Everybody have a great night and wish me luck tomorrow. Tomorrow is a very important day.
RBMD peacing the fuck out.
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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law- How to Cross Examine a Witness

October 5, 2014

Did I ask you if you wanted to cover this topic ma’am-Arizona

Good evening class, take your seats, get your tablets ready and for this class please take extensive notes. Tonight’s class will cover how to cross examine a witness like a boss. Yes, you in the back, you have a question? Did I say like a boss? Are you having problems with your memory?

When a witness is on the stand there is direct examination and cross examination.

Direct Examination
The primary questioning of a witness during a trial that is conducted by the side for which that person is acting as a witness.
During the course of a direct examination, the attorney who is conducting the interrogation generally asks specific questions that provide the foundation of the case. This would be the part of the examination where all the soft ball questions are asked. We in the legal profession refer to it as the cream puff examination. There are a few Lawyers who do not adhere to the cream puff examination and treat their own witnesses like they are being cross examined instead of directly examined. See Juan Martinez.

Cross Examination

After a witness is directly examined, the opposing side conducts a cross-examination, the purpose of which is to impeach or test the validity of the testimony. Cross examination can best be described as having a liver removed sans anesthetic. The cross examinee will be battered beyond recognition if they have say told a ridiculous story with more holes in it than really good Swiss cheese. There are a very select set in the Legal Profession that are known as Pit-bull lawyers. For the purposes of this class we will use Juan Martinez as an example. If you require a dog handler and a vet with a dart gun, you are in the presence of one of these select few lawyers.

There are several things you need to know in order to conduct a fruitful cross examination. First, courtroom presence is everything. We at the Really Big Mean Dog School of Law recommend a power suit with a good tie, pacing and snarling at every possible opportunity, a look of utter contempt on your face at all times and the ability to ridicule the examinee as often as possible.

A good lawyer can effectively refute every point brought out during direct examination without even breaking a sweat. If you happen to have an Einstein-y defendant on the stand, the cross examination can actually become a source of amusement in an otherwise boring cross examination.

An effective cross examination is dependent on being able to subtly let the jury know that the defendant is a liar, a whore of epic proportions, untruthful about the state of her relationships, that the defendant thinks that her family are all idiots and if you are extremely effective, that Walmart keeps really good records.

Suggesting that the defendant has mental problems whenever it is convenient for the defendant is also an excellent tactic for a successful cross examination. If you can get a rise out of the defendant by doing that you get bonus points.

Do not be discouraged if the defendant starts out thinking they are smarter than you and trying to deflect every question with some stupid comment like it depends on how you define “now.” Continually ask the defendant if they have problems with their memory and eventually they will stop using that tactic having realized that it is not having the desired effect. If they bring up God, ask if he can be subpoena’d. Ask them if they are sure because they seem to be leaving the door open for that.

A good cross examination will result in a hundred billion side bars from opposing council. We recommend you pace yourself. Nobody wants a drunk lawyer doing a cross.

Jurors love visuals and we recommend that you pull out pictures as often as possible. Slap up pictures of the deceased at every opportunity. Show pictures of the defendants stupid relatives. Make sure the jury sees any pictures that prove the defendant is lying about having any kind of jacked up fingers. Pictures with timestamps are great. Show the defendants cooch to the jury twenty or thirty times. Make sure they all have nightmares about it. Use props. Bring in a bag of pop rocks just in case the jury doesn’t know what they are. Throw the exhibits around. Heavy ones that make a loud noise when they hit the ground are good. Show video. Video’s of the defendant swearing to god on television that they didn’t do it are excellent.

A good cross examination also always includes contempt for the opposing side. Make faces at the opposing council. Tell them if you were married to them you would want to kill yourself too. Suggest that they go back to law school since they obviously do not understand the law. Call the lead chair an idiot once or twice. Trust me, it throws them off of their game. Make fun of the fact that they have nothing better to do than file motions.

If you have done your job correctly, your witness will be a completely broken thing by the time they get off the stand. We have to get our fun somewhere don’t we?

Next class will be how to deal with “expert witnesses” or the pimple on the ass of a trial.

Class dismissed.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law Gives Back

September 25, 2014

Apparently I’m Celibate; because I just don’t give a fuck – Arizona

Hai Kids. You know, the last couple of day I’ve been thinking a lot about poor Alfred E. Nurmi. Do you realize that the poor bastard has been trying to peace the fuck out since 2009! For five years he’s been trying to get the hell away from the special kind of crazy that is Stabby Einstein, and to a lessor extent, the beauty pageant contender and Stabby’s best friend Jenny from the Cell Block. I feel bad for poor old Alfred E. (spoiler: no I don’t.) Since I am an altruistic type psychopath as well a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of the RBMD School of Law, I thought I’d give poor old Nurmi a hand and write his closing arguments for him. Since the RBMD School of Law believes in giving back to the legal community and because Nurmi is obviously in WAAAAAY over his head, I decided he could use the help way more than any other fucktard defense attorney that is on my radar right now.

I spent hours working on Nurmi’s closing arguments(spoiler: no I didn’t)and came up with something that would very obviously sway a jury much quicker than anything he said. I really hope he appreciates the effort I have put into this. If anyone has his email and could send this to him I would appreciate it.

Alfred E. Nurmi’s Closing Argument: The State of Arizona v Stabby Anal Einstein

Objectionmayweapproach……..sorry! Habit! My bad.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury;

Fear, bullshit, insanity, and bat-shit craziness
These may not all be parts of the human condition, but they are DEFINITELY part of Stabby’s little world.
Because these parts of Stabby’s condition played such a big part in this relationship, obviously somebody was going to end up dead. DUH!!
This relationship ended tragically on June 4th 2008 with Travis being stabbed like his name was Janet Leigh and then almost having his head cut off and then just to be sure having a hole shot in his head.   All because my client, the defendant is a NUTBAG.

Your job as the Jury is to be the finder of fact.  Since that ship sailed as soon as Stabby opened her mouth, this would normally be the time where I try to confuse and confound you by droning on and on endlessly and scrambling the evidence around.  I decided that I am not going to do that. I’m pretty sure at least one of you probably wants to stuff one or all of Stabby’s wonder holes which is enough to hang the jury, so I am going to just tell the truth.

This trial is not about snow white, it’s not about the seven dwarfs, it’s not about strawberry Frapuccino’s or screwdriver skateboarder gangs or ninjas or weather patterns. What this trial is about is the wackadoo that I have had to put up with for way to goddamn long. Do you have any idea how long I have been trying to get away from this ho-bag? Since she decided to start having documents forged in an attempt to somehow explain why she almost cut someone’s head off and treated him like sushi tuna. I obviously failed my filing motions class because I filed at least 9 to have myself removed as council but I’m still here. What do I have to do, file a motion to be dead? Fuck!!

90 percent of the time, I hate this crazy bitch with a burning passion like I have never felt before. The other 10 percent of the time I absolutely despise the insanity sandwich that is Stabby, my esteemed co-council Jenny, Stabby’s fuck buddy Cha Cha Delarosa, and the shit show my entire life has become just because my name happened to be up for the next capital case.

I have done everything in my power to get this loud-mouthed know it all twat off the hook. I’m not a bad lawyer. I’m not. Have you seen what I have to work with here?  Have you?  Jesus Christ the bitch goes on TV, tells two different stories, pretty much dares you to convict her, makes up story number 3 for trial, brags to me that she forged documents, gets people to lie under oath during pre-trial, decides she is smarter than me, changes her mind when she gets caught with the forgeries, throws her parents and all her old boyfriends under the bus and ruins the reputation of a fine man.  Of course it never crossed her Einstein-y mind that you all might be able to see through the fog she tried to create and realize that the story she told was so ridiculous that a toddler would have said “Wait. What?”  Yup she’s Steven fucking Hawking.  Christ!!

I’ve had it. I have had to buy suits three different times during this trial just due to all the weight I’ve gained and then lost. I got a Christmas card from Golden Corral. People want me dead. A small child threw a milkshake at me the other day. My chair is suing me for pain and suffering. I’ve found myself making up words for no reason. I keep getting emails and phone calls from some crazy Sandra person telling me Stabby is innocent. When I say “No, she isn’t” she starts telling me about prosecutorial misconduct,people stealing Stabby’s murder money, how bloggers shouldn’t have press credentials unless it’s her, and some reporter who had a zit in grade 9.  Obviously, just like her idol Stabby, she just makes shit up.  I’m surrounded by fucking nutbags.  I’m spent ladies and gentlemen.   I just want to peace the fuck out, get some intensive therapy and start to forget that this ever happened.

I know the story she told on the stand makes no sense.  I know her expert witnesses lied, or were just idiots or both. I know that Travis was a good guy who was just torn between his religion and being a warm blooded sexual being.  I know that almost any man is going to take it if somebody is throwing it at him.  I know she has treated you like you are all stupid.  I get it.   But could you just let all that go for a second and think about me. Me, Alfred E. Nurmi. My career is in the toilet, I will forever be known as the asshole that defended the bitch that killed Travis Alexander, and truthfully ladies and gentlemen the bitch scares me a little…… Okay a lot!! If you cannot decide on a verdict then the Judge will have to sentence her and we can all go home. I want to go home. You have no idea how badly I want to go home.  And by home I mean the home I just purchased on the other side of the country. I’ve decided to become a garbage man. I will be doing exactly the same thing, just without the aggravation.

Cum Odio Adeo Laboraret Ut Canis. I hate this bitch so hard. Seriously, 4 years of Latin just so I could utter those words. And it feels SO GOOD!!!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and my heartfelt apologies that any of you had to sit through all of this bullshit.

 

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and Other Defense Bullshit

September 24, 2014

How do you recycle from solitary confinement? – Arizona

Hello class. Please excuse my tardiness. OJ Simpson called and asked if I thought he might get time off if he offered himself as a marriage councilor in prison. It took me hours to explain that it was probably a bad idea.

Anyway, this evening we will cover Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and if time allows, what to tell the defendant when you can see the iceburg approaching.

If you have a defendant that has been busted dead to rights, nine out of ten times if they are going to fight the inevitable they will use an affirmative defense. See: the ninjas made me do it. Defendants who use an affirmative defense are found guilty more than 99% of the time (unless you live in Arizona or Florida, where you can cut off someone’s head and put it on a stick on your lawn and you still might get off)so it is best to start digging out the mitigating factors right away. Mitigating factors include but are not limited to: Abuse as a child, broken homes, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, basically all the abuses. If the defendant suffered any of these and you can get someone to say it under oath and they can lie believably that may be the difference between life and death. If the defendant is just batshit insane and butt-hurt because they got dumped or something you may have to become creative. It is your job as lawyers to do everything in your power to either quit this bitch or try and get them life in prison instead of the DP. If you are at the point where you are considering mitigating factors we will just assume that your motions to peace the fuck out fell on deaf ears because you were not paying attention during motions class. Remember, if you bribe the judge and nobody sees it, the ninjas did it and you were never there.

Creative mitigating factors can include, but are not limited to the following: The defendant potty trained early, the defendant is a vegan, the defendant is a really good gardener(don’t use this if you have a case where the body has not been found), the defendant likes cats, the defendant has never been laid, the defendants mothers cousins friends uncle is sick and giving the defendant the DP will hasten their death. These are all perfectly reasonable, viable mitigating factors. In the event that you can’t use any of these, I recommend just making shit up and seeing if it works. Hey, you never know! Things that have been made up in the past as mitigating factors: The defendant can trace really well, the defendant can grow hair, the defendant doesn’t like garbage, the defendant can read. I know they sound ridiculous but you have to at least look like you are trying something.

In the event that none of this works I suggest strongly that you have your defendant make fuck me-eyes at one or more of the more malleable Jurors. Constantly giving the Jury fuck me eyes will usually convince at least one of them that if the defendant is released they have a shot. This is especially useful if you have a female defendant and a juror that is old and decrepit enough that they A) haven’t had sex since Jesus was in pre-school and B) if you are lucky have the onset of some neurological disorder. Having the defendant fuck one or more of their expert witnesses is also always a good idea. Don’t want one of them growing a conscience on the stand.

Remember class, all you need is one Juror. Just one. If you or the defendant cannot convince one single Juror that the defendant either wants them desperately or that their mitigating factors are not perfectly valid, you totally picked the wrong jury and sucks to be you.

We will continue next class with how to use your Mitigation Specialist for fun and profit. Have a lovely night class.

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