Stabby Needs Her Glasses Back.

September 19, 2014

Writing my grocery list in pencil and hanging it in a gallery – Arizona

Hai everybody. It’s me, Stabby hater extraordinaire Kelly. Seeing as how I am a Scot born and bred, I have spent a large portion of the night focused on the referendum. I’m on the fence about whether I want independence or not. Part of me is worried about the economic implications of succession and part of me wants to paint my face blue and ride a horse out onto the battlefield. part of me thinks I should put away my Braveheart DVD and go to bed. I am very happy that Scotland has a chance to attain something Stabby will never have again. FREEDOM!! Alba Gu Brath!

Stabby has fired up all the engines on the mitigating factors jet and is currently flying it into the stratosphere. She is donating money to every goddamn place that will accept money from a CONVICTED MURDERESS, she has donated her hair to mops of love, and now she has sold a self portrait so she can donate the murder money. The only problem is that Stabby can’t see her reflection in her stainless steel toilet bowl very well. I think it is because she tried to hock her totally not fake eyeglasses. Here is the pic she came up with.

Stabby self portrait not the one

As you can see, there are some serious problems with the picture. Really, the only thing she got right was the flat head and the dead look in her eyes. I am shocked that an artist of this caliber……….Bwahahahahahahaha(OMG I’m sorry I could not type that without bursting out laughing; very unprofessional of me) Anyway, there are people out there who only want to help others perfect their art and someone took the time to try and help Stabby fix hers. They put in some of the stuff Stabby forgot, which I think was very kind of them. This is what they came up with.

Stabby self portrait real

Please notice that while this picture is also not perfect, it is a much more realistic representation of Stabby. The self serving smirk. The dead look in the slightly crossed eyes. The scraggly bangs. The asymmetrical face. The missing weapons. Of course for the picture to be complete we would need to add bad acne and some horns but this was the much better try in my opinion.

Still working on all things Stabby. Hoping to bring you an update on the whole J4Stabby mess and how ChaCha ties into it all. Have a lovely night kids.

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Really Big Mean Dog Publishing Presents: The Big Book of Words

September 16, 2014

for everyone’s edification, Stabby doesn’t know what edify means – Arizona

Oh hai everybody. I have decided to branch out into publishing to bring you the Big Book of Words. In an effort to help make everyone more Einstein-y than they are now, I have re-watched all the trial footage. ALL. OF. IT….So..you’re welcome. Don’t worry though, I already had the flu so the vomiting didn’t bother me much. I then put together a list of all the big words Stabby used during the trial. Well, not all of them, just the ones that were used for no other reason than to use a big word, words that were used incorrectly and words that most normal people unless they were writing a thesaurus would never use in a sentence. I have also included a few words that Juan or Nurmi threw out there (not the ones Nurmi made up though) that Stabby either incorporated into a sentence later or were just big words that irritated me. I have decided that because nothing makes sense about this trial I am going to post them in order of appearance or when I thought of them instead of in alphabetical order because why not. On a totally unrelated note, I decided I better grab reallybigmeandog.com before one of the Wackadoo’s from Camp Stabby decided to fuck with it.
YAY!!

Most of the words contained in the Big Book of Words will be multi-syllabic. Stabby must have cruised right over single syllable words because only less Einstein-y then her people use them. Stabby also may know a lot of big words, but she does not understand the definition of quite a few of them.

Imply/Infer – Imply – indicate the truth by suggestion rather than by explicit reference. Ex. Stabby implied that she was more Einstein-y than her lawyers. Infer -conclude from evidence rather than from explicit statements. Ex. When I write, I am inferring that Stabby is stupid and uses big words to cover it up.

Edify – To teach someone in a way that improves character. Also to enlighten or inform. Stabby obviously has no idea what this word means since during Jurors questions she stated ” I wanted to Edify Travis only in good ways at that point, I didn’t want to say anything bad.” Pretty hard to enlighten, inform or teach somebody that’s dead…..just sayin’

De-edify – NOT A WORD unless you are all Einstein-y and can just invent words to go with the words you don’t know the meaning of to begin with.

Debase – to lower the value or reputation of someone/thing or to make less respectable. Apparently Stabby is all too familiar with the definition of debase.

Hotti Biscotti – Anybody Stabby is considering fucking at some point in time.

Monogamous – The state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time. Unless you are Stabby….and you have to meet Ryan Burns.

Pedestrian – Adjective. Lacking inspiration or enlightenment. Dull. Stabby’s definition…insignificant.

Pejorative – A word or phrase that is intended to belittle. Expressing criticism. First used in court by Juan who immediately retracted it and instead used belittle. glommed onto and used by Stabby only 12:36 minutes later. Used incorrectly.

Contemporaneously – consisting or happening at the same time. Stabby murdered Travis and took pictures contemporaneously.

Ameliorate – to make something bad or unsatisfactory better. Stabby getting the death penalty would ameliorate the situation.

Discombobulated – disconcert or confuse. Juan has Stabby completely discombobulated.

Paaaar-tic-u-lar – exactly like particular, but much more important the way Stabby says it. (for Stabby’s Pencil)

Thank you for reading the first edition of the Big Book of Words. Really Big Mean Dog publishing sincerely hopes you feel much more Einstein-y than you did before you started.

If I have missed anything put it in the comments and I will publish it in volume two of the Big Book of Words.


Taken 3- Nurmi’s Chair

September 13, 2014

Pencil, we’re going back in. One last covert mission in the fog -Arizona

Pencil and I got the call we’d been dreading at just past whatever O’clock South Africa time last night. Or not. There was a disguised voice on the phone with a slight Latina accent. “We have your chair. If you want your chair back you will deliver to us pop-rocks, tootsie pops, an industrial vat of KY and some pencil crayons. If you fail to do this by Whatever O’clock prior to the 29th of this month or maybe sometime early in November, we will disassemble the chair.”

Pencil was understandably distressed. Our first collective thought was Stabby. I told pencil to calm the fuck down while I made a quick phone call to the Sherriff Joe Homey Don’t Play That House of Indefinite Incarceration Pending Sentencing. He confirmed Stabby was at least still in custody and Pencil relaxed for a second. I paced and thought. Wait a minute pencil I said, play the tape back, was that……Salsa music I heard in the background? ChaCha!! Stabby’s new number one fan/dance instructor had our buddy Chair. Now pencil was really freaked the fuck out. What if, what if she spins him and he twists off of his wheel stand?  I gave pencil a Xanax and told her there had been no mention of torture. We’ll get him back pencil, don’t worry I’ll figure it out.

It was while I was trying to frantically figure out where ChaCha might be holding Nurmi’s Chair that my buddy Stabby’s Diary dropped by and plopped open on the second last written page. “God I am so smart. This Einstein like plan cannot fail. There can be no trial if there are no seating arrangements. I will get ChaCha to kidnap that hater Nurmi’s Chair. Fat fuck. Probably eating already. Oh my god I am so brilliant. And Pretty.” Pencil thanked Stabby’s Diary and they quickly hugged. Pencil knew what a chance Diary had taken to bring us this information. Diary peaced out before Stabby realized it was missing. Pencil and I were furious. Pencil was still scribbling obscenities when we got the second call for our answer. I was dead calm as I spoke. “I don’t know who you are I started and I don’t care. We don’t have money, and how the hell you think we can find an industrial vat of KY in the town Stabby is housed in is beyond us. What we do have is a very specific set of skills. If you release Nurmi’s chair on the corner of buttfuck and nowhere now, that will be the end of it. We will not look for you. If you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you and we will report you for gross violations to the ethics committee. We might or might not also take you to South Africa and Lock you in Pusstorias’ bathroom.” ChaCha decided to haggle. “Ok then, how about forget the KY and bring some baby oil and uhhhh maybe and apartment sized washing machine.” She hung up and Pencil and I decided fuck this lets just go get chair.

Pencil Googled the ChaCha Delarosa School of Dance while I loaded a Swiss army knife with all the attachments, 14 screwdrivers, an upside down license plate, a .25 caliber handgun and assorted kitchen knives, a couple of lengths of rope, some Kool-Aid stained floor mats, Clairol number 5 (really bad disguise),two hair bands for braids and some really really ugly clothes to distract ChaCha in case she proved difficult into the furniture moving van we had just rented. Me and Pencil jumped into the passenger seat and Ninjas moving floored it. We stopped just down the road and filled up two gas cans. The ninja siblings consulted each other and decided to stop at Wal-Mart to buy another one and then return it. We were half-way there when the ninja siblings screeched to a halt. Que Pasa bro they yelled out the window. A gang of skateboarders wheeled over with the one screwdriver size we did not have. Pencil and I argued with the ninja siblings that this operation was getting way to big, but, the screwdriver skateboard gang had extra strawberry frapachinos so we let them come.

We spotted Nurmi coming out of a IHOP as we sped by. Poor bastard. Since he’d gotten the news on Wednesday he had already gained 30lbs. We almost, but no not really felt sorry for him for a second. I was feeling charitable as pencil started to scribble furiously and toss obscenities out the window. Pencil I said. Calm down. Does dude look like a happy human being to you? He looks crushed. On top of that, he doesn’t even know his chair has been kidnapped. Everybody thinks he is in the Ikea Protection Program. Think of that man. Already he hates Stabby nine days out of ten and then he goes to court and he has to sit on some Chinese knockoff faux leather non reclining chair. It will finish him. And then Stabby will be responsible for both their deaths. Pencil decided I was right and scribbled a quick note to Nurmi. “Sorry dude, we keep forgetting you are as much a victim of her madness as anyone.” Nurmi caught it as it fluttered by and we saw a brief smile on his face. He dropped his bag of takeout into a garbage receptacle and there was a slight bounce in his step as he continued on his way. Pencil looked at me and said “thanks Kelly, I needed that.” “No problem pencil I said, I have the same mixed feelings about Nurmi that you do.”

It was starting to get foggy. A dog in a courtroom barked in the distance. We were rounding the corner on the last stretch to the dance studio when we spotted Juan Martinez still in the paroxysm of a laughing fit that had started Wednesday. (You are not the only one that knows five dollar words bitch) We were deep into the fog when we pulled up to the ChaCha Delarosa School of dance/Mitigation consultation studio.

The Ninja Siblings pulled around to the back and idled. The screwdriver skateboard gang piled out and wheeled up to the door with the extra Strawberry Frapachino and left it at the door as they wheeled by. Then, they removed ChaCha’s license plate and turned it upside down because why not. That accomplished the screwdriver skateboarder gang peaced out and headed to the nearest airport Cinnabon. Unfortunately they were late and it was closed. We later mailed them a 10 dollar gift card.

It was now up to me and pencil. We put operation roll back into effect. It was a plan that pencil and chair had come up with during the trial. We busted into ChaCha’s dance studio with the Swiss army knife and all the screwdrivers. Pencil distracted ChaCha with a quickly scribbled note we pretended was from Stabby.

Stbby motion

I quickly attached the braid bands to either side of Nurmi’s chair and told him we were breaking him the fuck out. The poor thing was so traumatized he could only shake and squeak. I didn’t have time to comfort him I just pulled back hard on his backrest until the braid bands were tight and let go. Pencil jumped on as Nurmi’s chair wheeled out the door. The ninja siblings were waiting outside and quickly rolled Nurmi’s chair up the ramp. Chair and Pencil were just happy to be back together. I threw the ugly clothes at ChaCha distracting her long enough to get to the van.

We drove and drove until we were in the middle of the desert, going over 100 miles in the wrong direction thank you very much. Nurmi’s Chair slowly began to calm down and his squeaking ceased. He and pencil fell asleep. I checked him over gently for any signs of tampering. He looked a little worked over but pretty much okay. I sprayed his wheels with some WD-40 and applied leather protector to the visible wounds. He sighed out a thank you to me and Pencil and drifted off again safe in the knowledge that he was once again with friends.

The Ninja siblings asked me what we should do now. I shrugged. Dunno I said. Since we have some time before the penalty phase re-trial; I got this invite to an ice-cream party in Vegas. I know Nurmi’s Chair likes blackjack and it would probably take his mind off of his ordeal. You guys can come. We are all invited.

We all agreed that Lisa Schillings Ice-cream party in Vegas was the best idea. Our cell phone had magically turned back on by then so in an act of unrivaled charity, Nurmi’s Chair called Nurmi and asked if he wanted to meet us in Vegas for some ice-cream.


Here We Go Again…….Some More……Still!!

September 11, 2014

now moving to the fourth circle of hell – Arizona

Oh Hai Kids. I’m just blogging up the stratosphere today aren’t I. Well, it can’t be helped. Things are happening. Important things. Spoiler – not really it just makes me feel needed.

Stabby has been a crazy busy psychopath Today. Well, I guess crazy and psychopath everyday but the rest just today. Yeah. Don’t even ask, I’ve been awake for three days and I’m not fully convinced this isn’t just some weird dream.

I digress. Stabby has legally relinquished the Pro-se right she always intended to relinquish as soon as she got this whole J4STabby thing sorted out thanks to Cha Cha Delarosa.
Goddamn people trying to steal her murder money. Lets see who actually has a dog in this fight.

Click on the images to enlarge

Stabby's Arch Nemisis #2 Meet Jason. Stabby’s number one arch nemesis right at this particular moment. He is basically a piece of human shit in clothes. He is also Stabby art thrower under the busser and thief that is trying to steal stabby’s money. He seems to have peaced out so there may or may not be a gang of screwdriver wielding skateboarding ninjas looking for him. I can’t confirm but I don’t doubt anything at this point.

Stabby's best friend ChaCha Delarosa Stabby’s Mitigation specialist/dance instructor and Stabby’s new best friend. Totally malleable. The Latina version of Alyce in Blunderland. Terrible chess player. Hater of ice cream parties and Las Vegas.

Lisa's icecream party And Finally Lisa Schilling Ice Cream Party and Las Vegas Lover. Butthurt and Dissalussioned Ex(Maybe) Stabby Supporter. Possibly my new best friend. We will see.

So, in a nut shell. A three way call that is not allowed was placed from Sherriff Joes Homey Don’t Play That prison. He got pissed, Stabby decided she isn’t Jack McCoy (If you don’t know who that is shame on you and google it) Fucktard Jason seems to have peaced out, and ChaCha and Lisa are debating about the Merits of an Icecream Party in Vegas. Did I mention we are all invited? Should be fun.

Nurmi is in for the ice cream party as long as it’s all you can eat. He said to tell you all that Death by Ice Cream sounds perfectly acceptable to him and it will save some money that he was going to spend eating himself to death at Golden Corral.

Nurmi’s Chair has gone into the Ikea Protection Program and all attempts at contact thus far have been in vain. Stabby’s Pencil is very worried. If anyone see’s him rolling around tell him Stabby’s pencil and RBMD said hey.

Stabby’s Bangs have made contact and tell me they are looking forward to the re-trial.

Stabby’s Diary is apparently pumping lead in preparation for the retrial. So buff Diary!! Good Job.

Stabby’s Pencil is just concerned about Nurmi’s Chair and doesn’t want to talk about it.

Stabby’s Multiple personalities have so far not returned our calls for comment.

Juan Martinez was still laughing last time we asked for comment.

Stabby is going for the record of most motions in order to delay a trial in the history of ever. She was in court and ask for a brief Ex-Parte which of course means Stabby wants another delay. Maybe you really can just delay a trial until you die of natural causes. Speedy trial be damned.

And please God let that be my last Stabby update of the day. I have to be in Pretoria for Whatever O’clock.


The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Phone call that Rocked the World (not really but I couldn’t think of another title)

September 6, 2014

Crazy just asked for itself to be redefined-Arizona

Well kiddies, looks like Stabby Einstein really is the gift that keeps on giving. After serious and intense contract negotiations with my in house Psychic she is back (thank you jesus) and we all get to find out what stabby really meant during that totally not orchestrated or released on purpose phone recording.

First, a few interesting points. Three way calls are the big no no in Jail. BIG no no. And not the big no no that resides south of Stabby’s belt line. Also, Satan Skyped me earlier and he now wants a per diem every time his input is needed for something related to this trial. I think he’s trying to save up so he can peace the fuck out if Stabby actually gets the death penalty because apparently even the prince of darkness doesn’t want anything to do with that kind of crazy. He said something about Judas Iscariot and PolPot running the show in his absence so no worries, hell will still be looked after. Oh and apparently Caligula will be performing once a week. There are still seats up front just in case you are interested.

Anyway, here is a copy of what the phone call said, and then we are going to have our lovely, talented and totally appreciated in house psychic tell us what the conversation was really about. Did I thank Jesus yet for my in house psychic. God forbid I have to do these things myself. Also, I had to go to the first circle of hell which is the “stabby Arias is innocent” Bwhahahahaha, sorry I can never type that without laughing, website to get this, so….you’re welcome.

Jodi Lisa
Lisa Yes – hey Jodi
Jodi I thought you were at work. Hey, um—
Lisa Well, I’m at lunch right now
Jodi Oh, okay. Who was it that told me? Oh, Maria [Del La Rosa], she said that, um, someone had told her that you had said online last night that I was supportive of the site and I don’t want to give people that impression because I can’t support the site right now as long as you guys are collecting money. Because it should be—
Lisa No we didn’t—
Jodi Huh?
Lisa No, we didn’t say you supported it. We said that you weren’t – not – you didn’t tell us to take it down which is what everyone else is saying.
Jodi Oh. Well, I don’t mind the site being there. But what I do mind is like that Jason is collecting money and that this corporation thing and that he’s promoting it as if something that I want – because I really don’t. I want the collection of money to stay within my family. And I think that if he really did support me he would just use all that traffic and energy and momentum that he’s building and just direct it toward the Appellate Fund, which is where it should be going to begin with. And remember when you and I were like first getting together with these ideas, it was more about how we can promote the Appellate Fund. But it seems like now it’s gone in a different direction. But, I just, that’s the only —
Lisa So if we collect money, are you saying that you don’t want it?
Jodi Yaah. No-no-no — I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I don’t want other people outside of my family to be accepting money on my behalf. Because it takes away from the fundraising that my family is trying to do for me,for one, and for two, with the Corporation, we don’t really know where that money is ultimately going to go, because it can go wherever the board members want it to go. And, as I told Jason, for example, if you guys vote to have an ice cream party with it, then you can. And he said that’s right. But with the Appellate Fund, it’s in the trust fund and irrevocable trust so you can’t have it go anywhere else. [unintelligible] trust it
Lisa Well, well — we’re not going to do that though.
Jodi Well, I know. But the point is that if you wanted to you could. If you want to reward your hard work with like a trip to Vegas you know, or something. If you [unintelligible] wanna or something—
Lisa No. I mean, but we’re not gonna do that though. And that’s why we have a board because, so, for that oversight.
Jodi Well, I know that’s true but I was just thinking if someone were on that for example and they everyone wants to vote to like going to cruise, for example. And then one persons like, “Hey that’s not right. This money is for Jodi’s appeals. And that’s not right.” And then people are mad and then people just have to vote that person off the board and then they can do what they want with money. That’s how it works. I’m not saying that’s going to happen but the problem that when people donate to a cause they believe in then, they wanna know where the moneys gonna go. But at this point they don’t know where it’s gonna go unless they donate to the trust. It can only go to there — to [unintelligle]
Lisa No but we have to [unintelligible] we, but we have to report our financials and where it’s going. So—
Jodi Yah.
Lisa Then I must be—
Jodi I haven’t [unintelligible] your bylaws but they’re, you know. I dunno — I just, I don’t feel, I don’t feel right with it. I don’t feel comfortable with it. I know you guys have worked really hard on it and I’m sorry it’s gotten this far, but—
Lisa So you don’t even want to look at the bylaws or — ?
Jodi Well, I don’t — really haven’t seen the bylaws. I, I honestly, I don’t want to be involved with it. Because I just feel it takes away from the efforts that my other friends and family have been trying to get the fund going to try to get me an attorney. Um, you know, I just—I feel like it’s taken away from that and that’s the problem. The other thing I’m uncomfortable with is that Jason has just done this without my consent. [unintelligible] “Hey you guys, Jodi’s not quite comfortable with this yet, but we’re trying to explain [unintelligible] to understand what’s going on and we’re doing [unintelligible]. [unintelligible] on there an lies. “Jodi supports us 100%.” And I haven’t. I’ve never said that. So the fact that he just lies about that makes me not trust him, you know? It’s like if you’re going to lie about that what else are you doing, you know? And then he registered the site in my name and I never said to register my name. And he puts Perryville’s physical address on there? That, that’s just, that
could get me into some, I dunno, that could potentially cause problems for me. So I know he took that off, but still, you know, it’s just, I think it’s just the fact that—I really wanted to support Jason. He has a lot of talent and everything, but I can’t. He [unintelligible] slams Pandora, he slams Maria, he slams SJ, he slams Ben, he slams Maria De La Rosa. I’m like, what?
Lisa No, but they all slammed us first though!
Jodi I know, but, I never said [unintelligible]—
Lisa They called us thieves and liars and stealing before [unintelligible]
Jodi [unintelligible] Well I dunno so much about what happened between him and Pandora and Maria and everything but he, he straight up just said a whole bunch of like, he dragged out records on people and humiliated them and I just, I dunno, it’s just. And then my art, like he—he doesn’t care about me. He slammed my art because he doesn’t like SJ. Like he still, like he so blinded by his dislike for SJ that he will throw my art under the bus just to get to SJ. He doesn’t care if it affects me. And he doesn’t care if affects my family and you know, their ability to travel to my trial. So, I dunno know, it’s just. I don’t — Everything says don’t trust Jason. Like, why was he so intent about having control over the money when my aunt started to — he, he coerced my aunt into giving her the password to the Paypal, giving him the password to my Paypal, which is weird, like, no one else needed that just to put it on the web site. You just need the code. But he wanted to be, he wanted more than that. Like every time he’s asking for more and more and more. And now he’s—
Lisa No. Well, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. I’m— Yer just getting all the wrong information. He wanted the password because he [unintelligible] to put, like a banner in there so it would look professional and—
Jodi I know, well—
Lisa I mean, everybody’s just twistin’ everything up.
Jodi Well, the problem though is that I told him, I told him this directly on the phone, the problem with you having that email is that now you get the email notifications and you’re not supposed to be getting them. And
[unintelligible]
Lisa Why though.
Jodi [unintelligible]
Lisa I know, but we fixed all that. We complied with everything you guys wanted. And then you still took it away.
So, I mean, we got everything straight before you took the domain away. — — — Are you still there?

Take it away if you please, oh beloved and much revered in house psychic.
Really, this is the first thing you make me do. You know I hate you right? Sigh. Fine, pass the Gravol and the Tylenol and lets get this shit show started.

Lisa, you fucking peon why do I even have to have this conversations with you right now? If you were working like you should be, I would not have to be doing this and could be thinking about new ways to stall the trial…..like leaking a three way phone conversation. Carry on. God you are stupid.

Anyway, I can’t let anybody think that I totally support a site that I totally support because it’s all about me,me,me because you guys are collecting money that might somehow end up in the Alexander’s hands due to that whole wrongful death thing. Assholes. I can’t believe you can even sue for that. That is why my Mormon god created irrevocable trusts. All money collections need to stay within my family because the tighter that particular box stays closed the less likely people are to figure out that the state has to pay for my appeals and shit. Appellate fund. I cannot believe they even went for that. Plus, I know you guys are making money off of me and I just will NOT have that. That money is mine. I murdered for it fair and square and I get to keep it. Fuck Son of Sam and fuck Juan Martinez. It’s mine.

For when I ultimately get released which is totally going to happen. I know they think this is just a penalty phase retrial, but I plan on retrying my entire case. I don’t care what Nurmi says, I can if I want too. Wait shit missed what this stupid bitch just said. Something about a banner? WTF? Anyway, you douches think you are going to make money off of my hard work and throw my art under a bus because it’s tracings of real art and you get my email notifications which is really a bad idea because of all the naked pics I have floating around out there. I don’t want you idiots to figure out who I really am. Like that would ever happen. I could cut off someone’s head in front of 20 of you and nobody would believe I did it, I am just that good. If it wasn’t for that goddamn Juan Martinez and his “evidence” I’d be out of here already. Jenny is still my friend, she’ll help me totally kick Juan’s ass this time. I hate that little bastard. How dare these people try and steal my murder money. Do they think I’m stupid. I’m Stabby Einstein bitch.

Whatever, I don’t need to talk to this moron anymore, like she understands anything that comes forth from my brilliant mind anyway. Bitch. Probably ugly too. I’m just gonna hang up and go admire myself in my stainless steel toilet or something. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and……..I’m out. I still don’t think you pay me enough for this shit, but we both know I’ll be back. This is the in house Psychic going to try and drill a small hole in my head and bleach my brain. Back to you oh task master.

So there you have it kids. This is what Stabby was actually thinking while she was talking.


Totally Not Made Up Unasked Juror Questions, Alyce in Blunderland Edition

June 11, 2013

I’m not on lockdown 23 hours a day- Arizona

Well, Satan has sent me up the next batch of unasked juror questions, these ones were all for Alyce LaToilette, I mean LaViolette.   He also skyped me to let me know that we can keep this one too, because if we haven’t noticed “This bitch also be crazy.”  Everybody thank Satan.

Totally Unasked Juror Questions for Alyce LaViolette:

1.  Are you high?  If so, where can I get some of what you are taking?

2. Have you always been a man hating bitch, or is it a recent development.

3. Can I have the number for your dealer?

4. Are you the one who filled out the forms for Stabby and if so did she pay you or did you take it out in trade?

5. Theoretically, if you did put Juan in a timeout and it didn’t work, would your next option be to spank him?  If yes can I volunteer?

6. The fuck?

7. Do you dream of severed penises?

8. Do you eat severed penises?

9. Are you mad at us?

10. Where is your office located?  I ask because I want to make sure I never, ever go there.

11. What exactly do you have against dwarfs?

12. How do you feel about garden gnomes?

13. Are we being punked?

There you have it everyone.  The questions the Jurors really wanted to know but the judge was afraid to ask.


Totally Not Made up Unasked Juror Questions

June 7, 2013

I can still make up shit too Stabby! – Arizona

Well, as everyone in Blunderland knows by now, there have been a pile of unasked Juror questions unearthed.  Apparently Satan perused them for his amusement and then sent them back on up so that a plan could formulate in my interestingly twisted little brain.  So, with that in mind, I have for you “TOTALLY NOT MADE UP UNASKED JUROR QUESTIONS!

Totally NOT made up unasked questions for Stabby.

1.  Dude, seriously?!

#2 – No really dude, SERIOUSLY?????

#3 – Since we all know that Stabby is a lying bitch, can we just poll the jury right now and maybe we can beat the lunch time traffic?

#4- I want to clean my camera, what setting on the washing machine do you recommend?

#5- Do you have any problems with anal leakage, and if so how do you deal with it?

#6- Did anyone perform a cavity search to see if you hid the gun in any of your three wonder holes?

#7- Do you think people can roll over in their graves?  Just wondering!!

#8- If you get a wrong order at Starbucks, do you go into a fog and forget why you went there?  If you do, how do you know your order was wrong?

#9- Can you sing “Oh Holy Night, while simultaneously climbing through a doggy door and hiding behind a Christmas tree?

#10- Would you like a Tylenol for Migraine?

#11- Is it possible for you to please tell Jenny from the cell block to SHUT THE FUCK UP?  KTHX

#12-Is it true that Dior called and they want their ad back?

#13-Have you ever taken acting lessons?  If you have, are you aware they did not work?

 

Totally NOT made up questions for LaViolette, and Dr. Fog to follow.

Sorry for the short one everybody, I’ve been hella sick.


Q and A with Nurmi’s Chair

June 3, 2013

Chair PTSD is a thing – Arizona

Nurmi’s chair graciously agreed to do a Q and A where I supplied the questions via email and he supplied the answers. What we ended up with was a very candid look at the life of Nurmi’s Chair.

Tell us what it was like being thrust into the limelight and backside of Alfred E. Nurmi

As a former child star chair, I had grown accustomed to the spotlight. I was in many commercials as a young footstool so the limelight has never bothered me. My mother is Bengali and my father is Indian/Pakistani/Chinese/Amazonian tree. They wanted me to have a better life than they had in America so after I was assembled in Bangladesh & China, we moved here.

I came into this assignment innocent. Juan Martinez’s chair, Esteban Flores’s Chair, Willmott’s chair, Jodi’s Chair, The Witness Stand Chair, & myself all got the go ahead during chair duty. Basically, we drew straws to decide who would get which person. Unfortunately, I drew the small straw and got Nurmi.

I had 2 weeks to prepare for his size. I prepared with rigorous strength and core training programs. P90Chair, Reclines and uprights with weights on me, & rolling up hills for cardio. I even traveled to that crooked street in San Francisco to train.

Work was rough from day one. Nurmi told me to ‘shut up and be quiet’ after I squeaked in pain on the first recline. I responded by lowering my height lever making him not able to see over the defense table. From then on it has been a struggle of epic proportions. He’s got a method of torture in the form of a blender for me he calls ‘The Punisher’. He basically brings in food from Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, & McDonalds and blends them into a flatulence smoothie. This cheek rattling chair scorching concoction has caused me many sleepless nights & a ridiculous amount of money wasted on febreeze

I’ve recently had this repeated horrific nightmare of being the only chair at a Nurmi family reunion. It goes like this: I am enjoying the nice weather and then Nurmi + his family come out and decide to play musical Chairs. Because I’m the only chair, they all rush to jump on me and recline. My legs tremble & as I’m about to fall apart, I wake up with a cold sweaty cushion. I went to see Dr Samuels about this problem but that didn’t go anywhere because he kept filling out the test for me. So I went to Alyce Laviolette for a second opinion. She accused me of abusing Nurmi! So I Finally I saw Dr. DeMarte and she diagnosed me with PTSD from Nurmi sitting on me. I was relieved at professionalism I finally found

As for Nurmi himself, there are still things I cannot do because of him. I cannot watch any of the Lord of the Rings anymore because of the Eye of Sauron. It just reminds me too much of Nurmi’s anus. I cannot look at the sight of a donut without getting nauseous. I cant even play basketball anymore because the shape of the hoop.

This led to a variety of problems for me including a substance abuse problem with WD-40. It helped with the pain. I started off drinking Caster Oil but then graduated to WD-40 because it was stronger. I was a mess. I even had to go to the IKEA Emergency Room one night but I’ll talk about that later in detail. This 54 day weekend has really helped me mature as an inanimate object. My cushion has been centered. I have also found a great support group from twitter. My followers are the best. They have put up with me through my suspensions, rants, & health problems

As for us chairs, we are all pretty cool with each other. Juan’s chair and I have a good friendship. Flores’s chair is pretty quiet and keeps to himself but seems friendly. Willmott’s chair can be obnoxious at times but also fun at times. The Witness Stand Chair is sexy(I’ll get to that later). Unfortunately Jodi’s Chair has had some trouble. She’s developed a rash just under her left arm rest that’s not very conspicuous at all. Poor Chair. Now she’s also taking on Jodi’s personality. She’s become crazy and lies about everything. I won’t talk to her anymore. 9 days out of 10 I do not like her

There are rumors going around that you and Stabby’s Pencil were forming some kind of escape plot, true? What was the plan.

Stabby’s Pencil is an interesting character. She’s always sharp & never seems to need coffee. I honestly don’t know how she stays so sharp with all that doodling & erasing. We’ve only had a few arguments that I can remember and that’s mostly because she’s been lodged in my cushion lead first accidentally. It’s quite painful. In addition to that I’m also dealing with Nurmi reclining or his flatulence so sometimes I can have a quick temper.

She came to me with an idea awhile back. We called it “Operation Rollback”. Basically she had the bailiff tie a huge strong rubber band to my back towards the open door in the back and I would sling out with Stabby’s Pencil lodged in my cushion. We were ready to go until Nurmi caught wind of it and told Judge Stephens. She held me in contempt of court and I spent a couple of nights in the janitor’s closet as well as the Bathroom after Nurmi used it. It was traumatic

Tell us about your love life? I was pretty sure I caught you checking out the court reporters chair a couple of times?

The Witness Stand’s Chair and I have been off and on for about 3 months. She had a thing for me when the trial started but I never noticed her under LaViolette & Samuels sat on her. That all changed after DeMarte took the stand. All five of my legs got weak and my cushion palpitated. I started sweating WD-40. I approached her sometime after DeMarte left & I was so nervous. I asked her to roll out with me one night to a local sushi place and she said yes! Unfortunately that date was a bit awkward since I didn’t have a chance to febreeze properly after court.

The next night however, and I don’t mean to brag, we locked wheels. It was amazing. She just oozes sex appeal. Those beautiful five legs, smooth spring, great cushion, and her backside is incredible. We also had great intellectual conversations and had a lot in common. She’s been a rock for me throughout this trial. The usual 3-4 day work weeks with various court cancellations has also helped us roll closer to each other

Were you frightened at having to be seated so close to stabby.

I was fine until I started seeing pictures she copied of me upside down in the Pacific Ocean, pictures of me disassembled, pictures of me dropped out of a plane, etc. That was troubling and very unnecessary

What really frightened me was the day I made a wisecrack about her bangs. @Jodiariasbangs remembers this. I made statement to Nurmi and Willmott about how “Skateboarders with screwdrivers must have loosened a screw in her head in order for her to create bangs like those”. Willmott immediately told Jodi and I got the biggest death stare ever. Check it out. It’s @Stabbyspencil ‘s cover photo.

Needless to say, we haven’t talked since

Have you bounced back since the burrito day incident?

I get this question a lot. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I spent a weekend right there at the courthouse that night.

Jodi’s defense team had a goal to delay the trial as much as possible and trip up the prosecution through utter BS the entire trial. So that two days before that incident, on a monday I believe, Judge Stephens said that Wednesday would be a long day and that we would finish before closing arguments. I didn’t believe her so on Tuesday night I stayed up all night drinking WD-40, watching the movie “The Chair of Monte Cristo”, & reclining in general.

That morning, My alarm clock did not go off on time(I still think Nurmi messed with my cell phone). I rushed to febreeze myself and then went to Starbucks to get my usual Vanilla Latte. Unbeknownst to me, Jodi had told Donavan Bering AKA Newman from Seinfeld to tell the Skateboarders with screwdrivers that I had been insulting them. So As I rolled into the Starbucks lot, they were waiting for me with red, blue and yellow screwdrivers. I tried to flee but they were too quick. I squeaked for my life but to no avail. They pinned me down, took one of my left wheels, and said “We’re coming for the other wheels if you tell the police anything”. They then showed me a picture of my uncle, an old wooden chair, disassembled. So here I am without a wheel, without my latte, late, and trying my best to roll to court.

Nurmi was angry that day. I knew something was amiss when I saw him holding a bottle of pink slime & a burrito smiling like he was at an all you can eat Bloomin Onion buffet. He took a bite of the burrito & drank the entire bottle of pink slime. Then he winked at me. I cursed and Jean Casarez looked at me with disgust. Then Nurmi sat. His pants were saggy like a dirty diaper. The stench was so thick that I could taste it. I gagged. Nurmi had me right where he wanted me. I was utterly powerless. The next few hours I was in and out of consciousness. I prayed to the migraine Gods to help me out but they weren’t listening to prayers that day because they had migraines themselves. My squeaks got quieter and quieter.

I remember looking up at the clock around 6pm PT and the hands were blurring together. I started to go into a daze that Dr Samuels would later diagnose as a fog. Everyone’s voices got slower. Stabby’s pencil fell off the table in slow motion. Nurmi reclined even further. My back was nearly parallel to the floor. The last thing I remember was Wildabouttrial pointing at me and taking a picture of me. Then I lost consciousness.

I came to at the IKEA Emergency Room. A Chairmetic surgeon was attending to me with nurses everywhere surprised I had come back to consciousness. The stench, the exhaustion, & the leaked pink slime from Nurmi’s underside had taken its toll. The pink slime was even pumped from my cushion. It was a painful, embarrassing time for me.

From that day forward, I vowed never to let Nurmi conquer me…EVER AGAIN

When nurmi was picking his nose, did he wipe it on you? Don’t be embarrassed chair, everyone feels your pain.

He claims he was just scratching his nose. Don’t believe his lies. He was absolutely picking it. Need proof. Look. LOOK ON MY UNDERSIDE. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME (I glance at Nurmi’s chair’s underside and see tons of boogers/gum all over) . I found a yellow spree lodged in between my cushion and my back just the other day from February. A YELLOW SPREE. Who eats the yellow ones? He abused me mentally and physically.

Now he says he’s on a Pink Slime Diet. I am scared for my cushion when trial resumes

A philosophical question if I may. I believe it may have been a jury question that was overlooked. If a tree falls in the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone,
does the tree make any noise?

I’m almost positive that Stabby would say that the tree decapitated someone that day and not her.

Do you have a thing for Jenny From the Cell Block.

Here’s the deal with Willmott. She has been sexually harassing me since the beginning of the trial. Don’t believe me? Look at ANY sidebar. Just look. Watch her arm movements. She caresses my back one time while passing, spins me another time, another time she rolls me in, another time she flirtaciously touches my arm. It’s never ending with her. She’s always asking if I want to come back to her place after work. One time she asked me “Is your cushion lumpy or are you happy to see me”. I assured her my cushion was lumpy and she got upset. It is absolute sexual harassment from her end. I’ve told Judge Stephens about this many times but she just laughs it off. Willmott even took me to Applebees once, made Dr Geffner sit on me, and then asked the Dr to pour her water. Needless to say, I was drenched.

One time I was rolling home after a long day of work. She picked me up, put me in her minivan, and took me to Zumba Sentao. For those of you who don’t know what Zumba Sentao is, just google it. Its a vile and prehistoric exercise class involving chairs & workout moves. I have never felt so violated as I did after that class. I was treated like a Baconater from Wendys dangling in front of Nurmi

I called the Witness Stand Chair to tell her what had happened to me and she wanted to roll onto Willmott’s toes right then and there. I told her no. She was FIRED UP. I’ve never seen her so animated. I told Alyce Laviolette about the abuse and again she said I was the abuser this time abusing Willmott

But yes to answer your question, NO. I do not have a thing for Jenny. I am constantly telling her no. Willmott, if you are reading this, MOVE ON. I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What were stabby and Jenny whispering and giggling about?

Usually it was bizarre things. One time they had a staring contest. Another time Stabby had Willmott pull my heigh lever down while Nurmi was up there speaking. They were in their own world until late in the trial when Willmott got the heebee jeebees from Stabby. I tried my best to ignore those two.

Why does Nurmi hate stabby nine out of ten days? Where did he come up with that completely random number and how does he apply it?

First off, Nurmi spent days formulating an equation to calculate that number. He spent countless hours at an All You Can Eat Golden Corral Buffet working. When he brought it before Stabby, she rejected it and just said 9 because it was her favorite number. Nurmi said “Who am I to argue with someone whose IQ is higher than Einstein’s”. Poor guy took it pretty hard. I started to feel sorry for him until I quickly realized he shit his pants

Did you know that it would be the Jury Foreman that would ultimately develop a sick crush on the murderess? I ask because I was betting on him myself, I won 50 bucks.

I thought he was looking at me at first. It was a little disheartening (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Then I realized him and Stabby were looking at each other from afar. Almost communicating with each other telepathically. It was like a Dysfunctional and repulsive version of the Notebook. I had my MP3 player & speakers queued up to “Take my breath away” during closing arguments in case they glanced at each other longingly again but I never got the chance to play it after the bailiff took it from me.

Was there ever a time when you were jealous of the witness stand chair?

There were a couple cute witnesses up there but overall, I’m glad I didn’t have to put up with Laviolette and Samuels.

What is next for Nurmi’s chair?

Well I plan on taking this 54 day weekend to focus on me. I’ve been up early every morning, rolling outside in the beautiful weather, teaching yoga classes, doing core cushion exercises, and just loving the real smell of life. I’m doing much better. I still cringe in fear every time I hear a whoopie cushion but I’m getting better.

As for what’s next, I plan on pranking Nurmi again. See my GIF on my twitter profile. I’m hoping to catch him off-guard again.

Unfortunately, after this trial, I’ve been required to sit in the Zimmerman trial. They feel I can handle George zimmerman. I’m fucked

Thank you chair for this peek into your sometimes very difficult life.


This Post is Brought to you by Stabby’s Pencil.

May 31, 2013

Oh, the things that bitch has made me write – Arizona

We have a guest writer today everybody.  Please give a warm welcome (and possibly a hug) to STABBY’S PENCIL.   As we all know, Stabby’s Pencil was on the front line during the entire trial, putting up with such indignities as being death gripped by Stabby, being held in Stabby’s disgusting mouth (hope ya got shots for that pencil) being subjected to the tracings of Stabby, and worst of all, having to take all of Stabby’s notes.  We all feel your pain pencil and we have been absolutely dying to hear what you have to say.  Please if you would, regale us with tales from the defense.

Hello everyone.  First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me here.  I’ve been waiting for such a long time to share the horror that was my existence for all those months.  I suppose I should begin at the beginning.  I was chosen from a pool of court appointed pencils to be used by Stabby in case she wanted to take notes at the trial.  Luckily for all of us, I have perfect recall, something incredibly rare for a pencil so I can tell you every single thing that Stabby wrote during the trial.  She was a total ingrate when it came to thanking me for a job well done, she’s a biter and she has bad breath as well as bad penmanship.  I seem to be getting off topic, so here are some of the things that Stabby had to write while the trial was going on as well as some of my own thoughts which will be in italics.

Trial Day 1 – This is the pencil I get? I can’t even have a full-sized pencil?  Seriously Jenny, get me a fucking full-sized pencil.  I don’t have stubby little arms like the baby Tyrannosaurus on the prosecutors side, I need an adult sized pencil.  What do you mean shut up and pay attention?  You shut up and pay attention.  I’ve been on TV.  I’m Stabby Arias Bitch.

Trial Day 2- JENNY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FULL SIZED PENCIL?

Trial Day 3- OMG Jens, who is the hot guy on the stand.  Dr Horne?  I bet I could make him Dr Horny.  He’s here for what now?  Pffffft.  Fuck forensics, I told you guys I cleaned up.   Oh, excuse me for interrupting you while you listen to Dr underwear model talk.  Is this important somehow?  They aren’t talking about me so how could this possibly be important?  How does my hair look?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Stop ignoring me, I will just keep shoving notes in your face.  (then the bitch put me in her dirty disgusting mouth and bit me, hard.)

Trial Day 4-  I traced a Dior ad.

Trial Day 5 – Jenny pass this over to Nurmi.  Hey Nurmi, I think you have some egg on your tie.  You might want to lick it off or something, it’s kind of gross much like you.  Well fuck you too.  I don’t like you either, and I’m the star here so suck it.

Trial Day 7- sidebar with Nurmi’s chair.  I haven’t quite got all the details of our escape figured out yet chair, but when I roll off of the table that is the signal to go. 

Trial day 8- Dear Diary.  I think they must be serving actual booze at the sidebar because my fucktard lawyers are up there, A LOT.  I thought Nurmi was supposed to be a sex crimes specialist.  I personally think he specializes in representing the fucking Hamburgler or the burger king or some shit.  And Jenny thinks she’s so hot.  I am so much hotter than that bitch.  I could do a better job too.  Objection.  I can say objection.  I fucking object to being subjected to this.  Fucking peons.  I’ve totally got the Jury foreman though.  He’s old enough to be my grandpa, but he totally wants to check out all three of my holes of wonder.  Oh yeah, I’m getting off.  No really, thinking about what I did to Travis is getting me off.  Shit, here they come, gotta hide you and go back to doodling.

Trial Day 9- Of all the child molesting, murdering, drug cartel running, dog killing fuckers out there, I had to get this gig.  I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this bitch?  

Jenny, please explain to me why exactly things are not going well at this point?  I have a what?  A migraine.  Yes as a matter of fact I do have a migraine.  Seriously I can get court cancelled for that.  Cool.  Can I have one tomorrow too?  Oh I have to save them for special occasions.  Ok.  Tell Nurmi to NOT stop at taco bell on the way home.  Jesus he’s getting bigger every time I see him.  What do you mean stress eating?  What the fuck is there to be stressed about.  I told you I’ve got this.  Juror 18 is eating out of the…..nevermind, just tell him to relax before he explodes or some shit.

Trial Day 10- I traced an ad.  Then I made pictures of the prosecutor with a knife sticking out of his back and a bullet hole in his head.  About 27 times. 

Trial Day 11- Jenny please have that asshole fucking prosecutor removed.  What do you mean you can’t.  I said do it.  I don’t like him.  He’s like a tiny little rabid dog.  I’m still pissed off he wouldn’t let me introduce my totally forged letters saying Travis was a perv.  So fucking what if I made them up?  They were perfectly good forgeries and I think they should be admitted.  Come to think of it, that Judge is a bitch for not letting them in too.  Have her removed as well.  Because I am the queen of the universe and I demand it, that’s why.  Are you slow or something?  You can read, yes? Se Habla Espanol? Me either, but I bet you $100 I can make them believe I can.  Come on, bet me.  It will be fun.

Well everyone, that’s all I have to write for tonight.  My lead is getting dull and much like Kelly I feel a sudden need for Gravol.  I think she can grind it up and just soak me in it.  I’ve been invited back and am allowed to bring along my friends Nurmi’s Chair, and Stabby’s Bangs.  Oh the tales they have to tell.  Hopefully they will join me next time.  Thank you for having me.

Thank you very much pencil, this has been most informative and I look forward to having you back in the near future.

Written by me with permission from Stabby’s Pencil.


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