The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Clusterfuck to end all Clusterfucks

August 28, 2014

This is getting too weird even for me -Arizona.

So looks like Stabby is going Pro-Se unless Judge Stephens will get rid of that mean old “I don’t like Jodi 9 days out of 10” hater Nurmi. If the judge will just bend to Stabby’s superior intellect, then Jenny From the cell block can represent her and everybody will be happy. ESPECIALLY Nurmi who would love nothing more than to peace the fuck out.

Since it seems that good old ninja loving stabby needs to be interviewed by someone and some kind of report needs to be filed from said interview I’m going to go out on a limb and call an insanity defense as a mitigating factor which would in effect if believed not allow her to be sentenced to death. I’m sure I read somewhere that you cannot visit the death penalty on the legally insane.

Today, to the shock of no one anywhere ever I found out that good old Stabby, true to form wants the judge to lift the ban on having no live coverage during the penalty phase retrial. I cannot say penalty phase retrial enough because I swear Stabby and the funky bunch seem to think they are getting a do over and she is not really a convicted first degree murderess with aggravating factors. speaking of aggravating factors I am going to need to stock up on valium, Gravol and Tylenol before this shit show starts once again.

She was also granted a motion to go into Travis’ old house. Well, not her personally but for her “investigator” to do it. To what end I have no clue, maybe to burn it down and blame it on the ninjas, who the hell knows with this nutbag.

Jury selection has been pushed back to September 29th because the mean old people at the mean old jail wouldn’t let her “witness” sign in the way she wanted them to be able to sign in and it caused a delay.

Here are my predictions. First, like I said she is going for insanity which is not that far of a stretch for her acting ability. Second, Nurmi is apt to have an “accident” while Stabby was feeling threatened by him because he was talking all mean and stuff to her. Third, Judge Stephens will go back on everything that she has supposedly already set in stone and the penalty phase retrial won’t start until 2045 and fourth, a full camera crew, makeup department and stunt double will be provided for her highness stabby.

I will keep you as updated as I can, but since just about everything is sealed right at the moment I can only get so much information.


The worlds smallest violin will now play for your deliberating pleasure

May 4, 2013

sshhhhh, I’m on a Covert Mission: Arizona

Alfred E. Nurmi took one last bong hit, sighed hard enough for the entire universe to smell what he had for breakfast, dragged his ass up out of the barcalounger  and began his closing arguments.  Moving at a pace that would make a tortoise say dude, seriously what the fuck, Alfred E started into his rant about the prosecution, er close.  Dressed in his best “I know I’m going to hell when this is over” suit, Alfred E. Nurmi started off with a basic rundown of the human condition.  Q, um I mean Judge Stephens still had the vet on standby in case today was the day that Juan “the Pit bull” Martinez was completely overcome by his particular strain of rabies.  Anyway, Alfred E. carried on.  He rambled about the trial not being about snow white or even the seven dwarves (thank you captain obvious) and then he said that 9 out of 10 days he does not like Jodi Arias which in actuality brought my pretty low (as in somewhere near the second circle of hell) opinion of him up a notch or two.

He droned on endlessly and then the talk of covert missions, and the idea that none of this makes sense.  We need a new drinking game but if we used covert mission and doesn’t make sense I’d already be too drunk to write this blog.

Jenny from the cell block spent the first hour of the close with the biggest Fuck My Life look on her face that I almost felt bad for her for a second.  When she wasn’t doing that she was practicing her patented fist on chin side pose.  She continued to take bong hits whenever she thought no one was looking.  We were ALL looking Jenny.  ALL of us.

Stabby herself paid attention for the first time during the entire trial as she watched Alfred E. Nurmi try and convince all these nice people that her story of sob was the one true version.  Jenny had her dressed completely in black which is probably not a bad idea when you know the earth is going to open up and swallow the demon bitch as soon as this is over.  Nice travel dress for someone going to hell and it saves valuable costume change time.  Between paying attention to Alfred E. and admiring herself in the imaginary mirror from blunderland she threw death stared at the jury and looked totally shocked when they didn’t immediately burst into flames.  Apparently Satan’s powers wane after it’s been locked up for a while.

Stabby is not the only one giving Einstein a run for his money because Alfred E. invented a brand new word all by himself today.  I’m not totally positive, but I think it may have been accidental as Conversate may actually mean converse, but hey whatever, they are lawyers.

Before we continue children, the lesson for the day will be Words to Kill By.  Everyone, but ladies especially please take notes there will be a quiz later.  If anyone calls you names like, slut, whore, three hole wonder, Bitch, cunt, puta, or any combination of the above, you are totally within your rights to kill that fucker.  So sayeth the defense team.  So let it be written, so let it be done sayeth Yul Brynner.

I swear I think I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than hear the words covert mission ONE. MORE. TIME.

Alfred E. Nurmi loooooves to talk about all the sex that was going on doesn’t he.  I am totally shocked this is the path he chose to travel.  SHOCKED I tell you.  dsa;ljsdjki;sdjksaj.  Sorry, I just put Pepsi through my nose trying not to laugh at that last statement.  Sex over here, Sex over there, Sex with and without underwear.  Sex on the bed, Sex in a shower, so much sex because she’s a blossoming flower.  Sex in the front, sex in the back, sex on a desk, sex tied to a rack.  It’s amazing either one of them had time for anything with the amount of sex Alfred E. Nurmi is trying to tell us they had.  And is that a banana in his pocket or is this turning Alfred E. on just a little bit?

Just as I was about to stab myself in both ears with sharpened crayons, Alfred E. Nurmi finished his phoned in closing argument.  Thank you universe.  Juan got up to clarify a few points, and with that Judge Stephens charged the Jury and we are now officially on verdict watch.

Have a lovely weekend my peeps and remember that this is all about Justice for Travis.


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