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Q and A with Nurmi’s Chair

June 3, 2013

Chair PTSD is a thing – Arizona

Nurmi’s chair graciously agreed to do a Q and A where I supplied the questions via email and he supplied the answers. What we ended up with was a very candid look at the life of Nurmi’s Chair.

Tell us what it was like being thrust into the limelight and backside of Alfred E. Nurmi

As a former child star chair, I had grown accustomed to the spotlight. I was in many commercials as a young footstool so the limelight has never bothered me. My mother is Bengali and my father is Indian/Pakistani/Chinese/Amazonian tree. They wanted me to have a better life than they had in America so after I was assembled in Bangladesh & China, we moved here.

I came into this assignment innocent. Juan Martinez’s chair, Esteban Flores’s Chair, Willmott’s chair, Jodi’s Chair, The Witness Stand Chair, & myself all got the go ahead during chair duty. Basically, we drew straws to decide who would get which person. Unfortunately, I drew the small straw and got Nurmi.

I had 2 weeks to prepare for his size. I prepared with rigorous strength and core training programs. P90Chair, Reclines and uprights with weights on me, & rolling up hills for cardio. I even traveled to that crooked street in San Francisco to train.

Work was rough from day one. Nurmi told me to ‘shut up and be quiet’ after I squeaked in pain on the first recline. I responded by lowering my height lever making him not able to see over the defense table. From then on it has been a struggle of epic proportions. He’s got a method of torture in the form of a blender for me he calls ‘The Punisher’. He basically brings in food from Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, & McDonalds and blends them into a flatulence smoothie. This cheek rattling chair scorching concoction has caused me many sleepless nights & a ridiculous amount of money wasted on febreeze

I’ve recently had this repeated horrific nightmare of being the only chair at a Nurmi family reunion. It goes like this: I am enjoying the nice weather and then Nurmi + his family come out and decide to play musical Chairs. Because I’m the only chair, they all rush to jump on me and recline. My legs tremble & as I’m about to fall apart, I wake up with a cold sweaty cushion. I went to see Dr Samuels about this problem but that didn’t go anywhere because he kept filling out the test for me. So I went to Alyce Laviolette for a second opinion. She accused me of abusing Nurmi! So I Finally I saw Dr. DeMarte and she diagnosed me with PTSD from Nurmi sitting on me. I was relieved at professionalism I finally found

As for Nurmi himself, there are still things I cannot do because of him. I cannot watch any of the Lord of the Rings anymore because of the Eye of Sauron. It just reminds me too much of Nurmi’s anus. I cannot look at the sight of a donut without getting nauseous. I cant even play basketball anymore because the shape of the hoop.

This led to a variety of problems for me including a substance abuse problem with WD-40. It helped with the pain. I started off drinking Caster Oil but then graduated to WD-40 because it was stronger. I was a mess. I even had to go to the IKEA Emergency Room one night but I’ll talk about that later in detail. This 54 day weekend has really helped me mature as an inanimate object. My cushion has been centered. I have also found a great support group from twitter. My followers are the best. They have put up with me through my suspensions, rants, & health problems

As for us chairs, we are all pretty cool with each other. Juan’s chair and I have a good friendship. Flores’s chair is pretty quiet and keeps to himself but seems friendly. Willmott’s chair can be obnoxious at times but also fun at times. The Witness Stand Chair is sexy(I’ll get to that later). Unfortunately Jodi’s Chair has had some trouble. She’s developed a rash just under her left arm rest that’s not very conspicuous at all. Poor Chair. Now she’s also taking on Jodi’s personality. She’s become crazy and lies about everything. I won’t talk to her anymore. 9 days out of 10 I do not like her

There are rumors going around that you and Stabby’s Pencil were forming some kind of escape plot, true? What was the plan.

Stabby’s Pencil is an interesting character. She’s always sharp & never seems to need coffee. I honestly don’t know how she stays so sharp with all that doodling & erasing. We’ve only had a few arguments that I can remember and that’s mostly because she’s been lodged in my cushion lead first accidentally. It’s quite painful. In addition to that I’m also dealing with Nurmi reclining or his flatulence so sometimes I can have a quick temper.

She came to me with an idea awhile back. We called it “Operation Rollback”. Basically she had the bailiff tie a huge strong rubber band to my back towards the open door in the back and I would sling out with Stabby’s Pencil lodged in my cushion. We were ready to go until Nurmi caught wind of it and told Judge Stephens. She held me in contempt of court and I spent a couple of nights in the janitor’s closet as well as the Bathroom after Nurmi used it. It was traumatic

Tell us about your love life? I was pretty sure I caught you checking out the court reporters chair a couple of times?

The Witness Stand’s Chair and I have been off and on for about 3 months. She had a thing for me when the trial started but I never noticed her under LaViolette & Samuels sat on her. That all changed after DeMarte took the stand. All five of my legs got weak and my cushion palpitated. I started sweating WD-40. I approached her sometime after DeMarte left & I was so nervous. I asked her to roll out with me one night to a local sushi place and she said yes! Unfortunately that date was a bit awkward since I didn’t have a chance to febreeze properly after court.

The next night however, and I don’t mean to brag, we locked wheels. It was amazing. She just oozes sex appeal. Those beautiful five legs, smooth spring, great cushion, and her backside is incredible. We also had great intellectual conversations and had a lot in common. She’s been a rock for me throughout this trial. The usual 3-4 day work weeks with various court cancellations has also helped us roll closer to each other

Were you frightened at having to be seated so close to stabby.

I was fine until I started seeing pictures she copied of me upside down in the Pacific Ocean, pictures of me disassembled, pictures of me dropped out of a plane, etc. That was troubling and very unnecessary

What really frightened me was the day I made a wisecrack about her bangs. @Jodiariasbangs remembers this. I made statement to Nurmi and Willmott about how “Skateboarders with screwdrivers must have loosened a screw in her head in order for her to create bangs like those”. Willmott immediately told Jodi and I got the biggest death stare ever. Check it out. It’s @Stabbyspencil ‘s cover photo.

Needless to say, we haven’t talked since

Have you bounced back since the burrito day incident?

I get this question a lot. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I spent a weekend right there at the courthouse that night.

Jodi’s defense team had a goal to delay the trial as much as possible and trip up the prosecution through utter BS the entire trial. So that two days before that incident, on a monday I believe, Judge Stephens said that Wednesday would be a long day and that we would finish before closing arguments. I didn’t believe her so on Tuesday night I stayed up all night drinking WD-40, watching the movie “The Chair of Monte Cristo”, & reclining in general.

That morning, My alarm clock did not go off on time(I still think Nurmi messed with my cell phone). I rushed to febreeze myself and then went to Starbucks to get my usual Vanilla Latte. Unbeknownst to me, Jodi had told Donavan Bering AKA Newman from Seinfeld to tell the Skateboarders with screwdrivers that I had been insulting them. So As I rolled into the Starbucks lot, they were waiting for me with red, blue and yellow screwdrivers. I tried to flee but they were too quick. I squeaked for my life but to no avail. They pinned me down, took one of my left wheels, and said “We’re coming for the other wheels if you tell the police anything”. They then showed me a picture of my uncle, an old wooden chair, disassembled. So here I am without a wheel, without my latte, late, and trying my best to roll to court.

Nurmi was angry that day. I knew something was amiss when I saw him holding a bottle of pink slime & a burrito smiling like he was at an all you can eat Bloomin Onion buffet. He took a bite of the burrito & drank the entire bottle of pink slime. Then he winked at me. I cursed and Jean Casarez looked at me with disgust. Then Nurmi sat. His pants were saggy like a dirty diaper. The stench was so thick that I could taste it. I gagged. Nurmi had me right where he wanted me. I was utterly powerless. The next few hours I was in and out of consciousness. I prayed to the migraine Gods to help me out but they weren’t listening to prayers that day because they had migraines themselves. My squeaks got quieter and quieter.

I remember looking up at the clock around 6pm PT and the hands were blurring together. I started to go into a daze that Dr Samuels would later diagnose as a fog. Everyone’s voices got slower. Stabby’s pencil fell off the table in slow motion. Nurmi reclined even further. My back was nearly parallel to the floor. The last thing I remember was Wildabouttrial pointing at me and taking a picture of me. Then I lost consciousness.

I came to at the IKEA Emergency Room. A Chairmetic surgeon was attending to me with nurses everywhere surprised I had come back to consciousness. The stench, the exhaustion, & the leaked pink slime from Nurmi’s underside had taken its toll. The pink slime was even pumped from my cushion. It was a painful, embarrassing time for me.

From that day forward, I vowed never to let Nurmi conquer me…EVER AGAIN

When nurmi was picking his nose, did he wipe it on you? Don’t be embarrassed chair, everyone feels your pain.

He claims he was just scratching his nose. Don’t believe his lies. He was absolutely picking it. Need proof. Look. LOOK ON MY UNDERSIDE. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME (I glance at Nurmi’s chair’s underside and see tons of boogers/gum all over) . I found a yellow spree lodged in between my cushion and my back just the other day from February. A YELLOW SPREE. Who eats the yellow ones? He abused me mentally and physically.

Now he says he’s on a Pink Slime Diet. I am scared for my cushion when trial resumes

A philosophical question if I may. I believe it may have been a jury question that was overlooked. If a tree falls in the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone,
does the tree make any noise?

I’m almost positive that Stabby would say that the tree decapitated someone that day and not her.

Do you have a thing for Jenny From the Cell Block.

Here’s the deal with Willmott. She has been sexually harassing me since the beginning of the trial. Don’t believe me? Look at ANY sidebar. Just look. Watch her arm movements. She caresses my back one time while passing, spins me another time, another time she rolls me in, another time she flirtaciously touches my arm. It’s never ending with her. She’s always asking if I want to come back to her place after work. One time she asked me “Is your cushion lumpy or are you happy to see me”. I assured her my cushion was lumpy and she got upset. It is absolute sexual harassment from her end. I’ve told Judge Stephens about this many times but she just laughs it off. Willmott even took me to Applebees once, made Dr Geffner sit on me, and then asked the Dr to pour her water. Needless to say, I was drenched.

One time I was rolling home after a long day of work. She picked me up, put me in her minivan, and took me to Zumba Sentao. For those of you who don’t know what Zumba Sentao is, just google it. Its a vile and prehistoric exercise class involving chairs & workout moves. I have never felt so violated as I did after that class. I was treated like a Baconater from Wendys dangling in front of Nurmi

I called the Witness Stand Chair to tell her what had happened to me and she wanted to roll onto Willmott’s toes right then and there. I told her no. She was FIRED UP. I’ve never seen her so animated. I told Alyce Laviolette about the abuse and again she said I was the abuser this time abusing Willmott

But yes to answer your question, NO. I do not have a thing for Jenny. I am constantly telling her no. Willmott, if you are reading this, MOVE ON. I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What were stabby and Jenny whispering and giggling about?

Usually it was bizarre things. One time they had a staring contest. Another time Stabby had Willmott pull my heigh lever down while Nurmi was up there speaking. They were in their own world until late in the trial when Willmott got the heebee jeebees from Stabby. I tried my best to ignore those two.

Why does Nurmi hate stabby nine out of ten days? Where did he come up with that completely random number and how does he apply it?

First off, Nurmi spent days formulating an equation to calculate that number. He spent countless hours at an All You Can Eat Golden Corral Buffet working. When he brought it before Stabby, she rejected it and just said 9 because it was her favorite number. Nurmi said “Who am I to argue with someone whose IQ is higher than Einstein’s”. Poor guy took it pretty hard. I started to feel sorry for him until I quickly realized he shit his pants

Did you know that it would be the Jury Foreman that would ultimately develop a sick crush on the murderess? I ask because I was betting on him myself, I won 50 bucks.

I thought he was looking at me at first. It was a little disheartening (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Then I realized him and Stabby were looking at each other from afar. Almost communicating with each other telepathically. It was like a Dysfunctional and repulsive version of the Notebook. I had my MP3 player & speakers queued up to “Take my breath away” during closing arguments in case they glanced at each other longingly again but I never got the chance to play it after the bailiff took it from me.

Was there ever a time when you were jealous of the witness stand chair?

There were a couple cute witnesses up there but overall, I’m glad I didn’t have to put up with Laviolette and Samuels.

What is next for Nurmi’s chair?

Well I plan on taking this 54 day weekend to focus on me. I’ve been up early every morning, rolling outside in the beautiful weather, teaching yoga classes, doing core cushion exercises, and just loving the real smell of life. I’m doing much better. I still cringe in fear every time I hear a whoopie cushion but I’m getting better.

As for what’s next, I plan on pranking Nurmi again. See my GIF on my twitter profile. I’m hoping to catch him off-guard again.

Unfortunately, after this trial, I’ve been required to sit in the Zimmerman trial. They feel I can handle George zimmerman. I’m fucked

Thank you chair for this peek into your sometimes very difficult life.

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This Post is Brought to you by Stabby’s Pencil.

May 31, 2013

Oh, the things that bitch has made me write – Arizona

We have a guest writer today everybody.  Please give a warm welcome (and possibly a hug) to STABBY’S PENCIL.   As we all know, Stabby’s Pencil was on the front line during the entire trial, putting up with such indignities as being death gripped by Stabby, being held in Stabby’s disgusting mouth (hope ya got shots for that pencil) being subjected to the tracings of Stabby, and worst of all, having to take all of Stabby’s notes.  We all feel your pain pencil and we have been absolutely dying to hear what you have to say.  Please if you would, regale us with tales from the defense.

Hello everyone.  First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me here.  I’ve been waiting for such a long time to share the horror that was my existence for all those months.  I suppose I should begin at the beginning.  I was chosen from a pool of court appointed pencils to be used by Stabby in case she wanted to take notes at the trial.  Luckily for all of us, I have perfect recall, something incredibly rare for a pencil so I can tell you every single thing that Stabby wrote during the trial.  She was a total ingrate when it came to thanking me for a job well done, she’s a biter and she has bad breath as well as bad penmanship.  I seem to be getting off topic, so here are some of the things that Stabby had to write while the trial was going on as well as some of my own thoughts which will be in italics.

Trial Day 1 – This is the pencil I get? I can’t even have a full-sized pencil?  Seriously Jenny, get me a fucking full-sized pencil.  I don’t have stubby little arms like the baby Tyrannosaurus on the prosecutors side, I need an adult sized pencil.  What do you mean shut up and pay attention?  You shut up and pay attention.  I’ve been on TV.  I’m Stabby Arias Bitch.

Trial Day 2- JENNY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FULL SIZED PENCIL?

Trial Day 3- OMG Jens, who is the hot guy on the stand.  Dr Horne?  I bet I could make him Dr Horny.  He’s here for what now?  Pffffft.  Fuck forensics, I told you guys I cleaned up.   Oh, excuse me for interrupting you while you listen to Dr underwear model talk.  Is this important somehow?  They aren’t talking about me so how could this possibly be important?  How does my hair look?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Stop ignoring me, I will just keep shoving notes in your face.  (then the bitch put me in her dirty disgusting mouth and bit me, hard.)

Trial Day 4-  I traced a Dior ad.

Trial Day 5 – Jenny pass this over to Nurmi.  Hey Nurmi, I think you have some egg on your tie.  You might want to lick it off or something, it’s kind of gross much like you.  Well fuck you too.  I don’t like you either, and I’m the star here so suck it.

Trial Day 7- sidebar with Nurmi’s chair.  I haven’t quite got all the details of our escape figured out yet chair, but when I roll off of the table that is the signal to go. 

Trial day 8- Dear Diary.  I think they must be serving actual booze at the sidebar because my fucktard lawyers are up there, A LOT.  I thought Nurmi was supposed to be a sex crimes specialist.  I personally think he specializes in representing the fucking Hamburgler or the burger king or some shit.  And Jenny thinks she’s so hot.  I am so much hotter than that bitch.  I could do a better job too.  Objection.  I can say objection.  I fucking object to being subjected to this.  Fucking peons.  I’ve totally got the Jury foreman though.  He’s old enough to be my grandpa, but he totally wants to check out all three of my holes of wonder.  Oh yeah, I’m getting off.  No really, thinking about what I did to Travis is getting me off.  Shit, here they come, gotta hide you and go back to doodling.

Trial Day 9- Of all the child molesting, murdering, drug cartel running, dog killing fuckers out there, I had to get this gig.  I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this bitch?  

Jenny, please explain to me why exactly things are not going well at this point?  I have a what?  A migraine.  Yes as a matter of fact I do have a migraine.  Seriously I can get court cancelled for that.  Cool.  Can I have one tomorrow too?  Oh I have to save them for special occasions.  Ok.  Tell Nurmi to NOT stop at taco bell on the way home.  Jesus he’s getting bigger every time I see him.  What do you mean stress eating?  What the fuck is there to be stressed about.  I told you I’ve got this.  Juror 18 is eating out of the…..nevermind, just tell him to relax before he explodes or some shit.

Trial Day 10- I traced an ad.  Then I made pictures of the prosecutor with a knife sticking out of his back and a bullet hole in his head.  About 27 times. 

Trial Day 11- Jenny please have that asshole fucking prosecutor removed.  What do you mean you can’t.  I said do it.  I don’t like him.  He’s like a tiny little rabid dog.  I’m still pissed off he wouldn’t let me introduce my totally forged letters saying Travis was a perv.  So fucking what if I made them up?  They were perfectly good forgeries and I think they should be admitted.  Come to think of it, that Judge is a bitch for not letting them in too.  Have her removed as well.  Because I am the queen of the universe and I demand it, that’s why.  Are you slow or something?  You can read, yes? Se Habla Espanol? Me either, but I bet you $100 I can make them believe I can.  Come on, bet me.  It will be fun.

Well everyone, that’s all I have to write for tonight.  My lead is getting dull and much like Kelly I feel a sudden need for Gravol.  I think she can grind it up and just soak me in it.  I’ve been invited back and am allowed to bring along my friends Nurmi’s Chair, and Stabby’s Bangs.  Oh the tales they have to tell.  Hopefully they will join me next time.  Thank you for having me.

Thank you very much pencil, this has been most informative and I look forward to having you back in the near future.

Written by me with permission from Stabby’s Pencil.


This Blog is Brought to you by the in-house Psychic

May 29, 2013

I’m going to need therapy when this is over – Arizona

Hi everybody.  It’s me, the much put upon by my boss in-house Psychic.  According to Kelly, everybody on the internet absolutely needs to know what Stabby is thinking at this particular moment and who gets volunteered for service.  ME.   I really need to quit this gig and go get a job cleaning septic systems or something.  Probably wouldn’t be as much shit at the end of the day.

Anyway, I am standing on the lawn of the Estrella jail for several  reasons.  Stabby is butt hurt that Kelly is a “hater”, Stabby is butt hurt that I didn’t bring a camera crew, and Stabby is Butt hurt because she’s not really allowed to do interviews right now.  That of course makes absolutely zero difference to me being that I’m Psychic and stuff.

This may take a few minutes, there are a lot of really pissed off women in this place and I can’t seem to zero in on the right frequency.  What I have gotten so far would make Stabby’s blood run cold man.  There is a LOT of Stabby hate going on behind these walls.

Okay, I think I have zeroed in.  Here we go.  OH MY GOD, could this place possibly suck any more?  How the hell could anybody decide that it was better for ME to be out of the limelight.  I belong in front of a camera.  I deserve a fucking academy award for that performance at my penalty phase trial.  I mean, seriously, at least a couple of those numb fucks bought it.  I totally knew I had the foreman.  I could tell by the way he was making goo goo eyes at me that he wanted me.  They ALL wanted me.  Except for the woman, and they would have if they could have stopped being so jealous of my greatness.  I cannot help it if I am a superior organism.  My Einstein like intellect makes everybody hot.  Especially me.  Gosh I love all the time I get to spend with myself.  I get to think about all of the great things that I can do like my art and my singing and I don’t have the annoyance of having to listen to other people talk about themselves.  I am so awesome.  I am totally still laughing about that whole starting a book club thing.  I just threw that in there at the last second and they totally bought it.  And locks of love, really?  Anyone with the sense god gave a tomato knows that I only love myself.  Now, if I could sell my hair that would be different.  Hey, maybe I’ll get Donaman to sell my hair.  Stupid cow.  She is so in love with me she doesn’t even care that I could totally be fucking up her parole.  Whatever, I’ll keep using her just like I use everyone else.  I’m hoping I can convince one of these guards to have sex with me so I can get knocked up.  Being pregnant would certainly put the spotlight back on me where  it is supposed to be.  I wonder what’s for lunch today.  GOD I hope they remembered my strawberry frapaccino.  These guards are terrible at taking orders.   I got a letter from Dior today.  Something about copyright infringement.  Well Dior, you can suck it.  Prove I  copied your ad.  I’ll just say you copied my artwork and then where will we be.  Haters.  They are all just jealous of my greatness.   I wonder if that nasty little prosecutor is going to retry my penalty phase?  God I hate him.  If he was an idiot he would be much more tolerable.  I wonder how my pencil is doing.  Someone probably stole it and sold it.  Willmott and Nurmi will be back.  I made them famous after all.   I don’t understand why they kept trying to bail on me.  Probably just part of the show.    I cannot believe how horny I am right now.  This whole not having sex a hundred times a day really blows.  I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose right now…

Ewwwwww.  Ok, that’s it for today.  This is the in-house Psychic reporting from the lawn of Estrella Jail.

The boss lady will be back tomorrow.  She’s doing research on some Sneiderman chick that she says I am just going to love.


While we Wait for the Stabby Verdict

May 23, 2013

OMFG can we just kill this bitch already – ARIZONA

Well everybody,  it has been another spectacular day of doing nothing except pacing, wringing my hands, cursing the television, having my in-house psychic hand me meds while saying “seriously dude, take them, holy fuck.” and jumping like I’ve been stabby’d every time I hear “BREAKING NEWS.  I also took a moment to pray that HLN get sucked into some portal where there are bombarded for eternity with commercials for catheters, sunscreens, and adult incontinence products.  If that happens somebody please email me k.  Thanks.

My in-house psychic spent the day getting readings on Jenny From the Cell Block and Alfred E. Nurmi.  She got something about not winning the beauty pageant from Jenny and Where is the nearest burger king from Nurmi.  I asked her to take a run at Juan the pit bull Martinez and she did.  She immediately fell into a feint.   After I tossed a bucket of water over her head and she woke up she told me it was a chant.  Kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch.  Well, no surprise there.

Detective and pit bull wrangler extraordinaire Esteban Flores spent the day shopping for good boy treats and a new catch pole for Mr Martinez just in case they don’t get the verdict they want.

Juan spent a good portion of the day attacking the dummy with Stabby’s face stapled to it.  He also totally dismembered the Alfred E. Nurmi toy and needs a new one.

Judge Stephens hung out with Aerosmith and the Charlie Daniels Band.  They will both be closing once we get a verdict.

Stabby spent some of the day giggling with Jenny From the Cell Block and the rest of the day picking out the guards she is going to blow for fun later.

Court has been reconvened and we were all assembled to get a verdict of “we can’t reach a verdict.”   OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME REALLY I’M SERIOUS I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE.  FUCK.

Juan looks like he now wants to kill the jury, stabby looks disappointed that she has to talk to another group of totally dumber than her Jurors, Jenny and Nurmi look pissed off and Judge Stephens looks like she wants to cry.

Did I mention I am so fucking mad I can’t see straight.  SERIOUSLY.

That’s it kids.  I’m out.  I will of course be back tomorrow, once I have sufficiently calmed down.  FUUUUUUUUCK!

 

 


Stabby Wants to live.

May 21, 2013

Really?  Said NO ONE ANYWHERE – Arizona

Wow.  I can’t believe after all this time, and all the pain that has been caused and all the bullshit we have all had to sit through we are almost at an end to the fuckery that is Stabby Einstein.

Jenny From the Cell Block found the bong and is taking the  close.   Apparently Alfred E. Nurmi is butthurt that all of his awesome mistrial motions have been denied and is working his way through an all you can eat buffet.  Jenny has obviously taken one too many bong hits today because she seems to be going on about what a wonderful (killed a guy in could blood with a knife AND a gun) human being Stabby is.  If it hadn’t been for all the mitigating factors that absolutely nobody would come and and talk about,she could have been a totally awesome human being…………WAIT, WHAT?  In-house Psychic, am I high?  No?  So, I really heard that then?  K Thanks.  Sorry.  Oh, now mother of Stabby is being dragged through the mud.  Apparently it is her parents fault she almost decapitated someone because her parents yelled at each other. So, wait.  We are supposed to spare her life because of her awesome family who Jenny now says abused her?  Seriously, I think I’m high.

Stabby has no shame.  Jenny just said that Stabby has very low self esteem and almost no ego.  And she said it without laughing.   sdshw4oyhethetjwerf……sorry my head hit the keyboard.  Wow, Jenny really, really wants that visit with Satan she’s been looking forward too because she is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Now it’s Travis’ fault he got himself stabbed 27 times, almost decapitated and shot because he told her she was the worst thing that ever happened to him. woehtfsonfsodlgfnmdr.….sorry, banged my head again.   Better go put on your traveling clothes Jenny, I think you are going straight to hell once this trial is over.

Stabby looks completely convinced she’s got this and Alfred E. Nurmi is taking bong hits every few minutes and pretending he is at an olive garden or something.

Jenny from the Cell Block appears to be wrapping it up, and Esteban Flores, Detective and dog handler extraordinaire is trying to get the catch pole and muzzle off of a completely seething pit bull.

Juan is absolutely frothing.  You can actually see the fury in his eyes.  I have to say Detective Flores looks almost as disgusted as the Juanderful Mr Martinez.  He has told them that Travis will forever be remembered as being 30.  Then of course he put up a picture of dead Travis and we have an objection.  Of course we do.  Overruled.  Juan is continuing to plow through the bullshit of the last half hour.  He is ripping apart every  mitigating factor that does not actually exist.  Hey, apparently Dr. Fog had a class on invisible mitigation factors right after the invisible gun class.  Wow, how very well rounded of him.    Juan has ripped down the hair, the art, Stabby’s age, now he is grabbing and shaking the pictures that stabby put up, telling them all of those experiences she will miss, he will never have again.

Nurmi’s chair can be heard begging for mercy since Nurmi is having a tantrum and refusing to get up.  His assistant is running burgers and pot to him.  I am also very frightened for Stabby’s pencil.  She is switching between scribbling hard enough to break the poor thing to clutching it with the obvious intent of plunging it directly into the pit bulls heart.

Bwahahahahaha.  Really Juan.  Adjusting someone would have made her a good friend, but according to her he’s full of crap.  OMFG that is possibly the most sarcastically amusing thing I have ever heard.

I believe Guinness has shown up to tape the world record for most objections in the history of EVER happening in Judge Stephens courtroom.

Jenny from the Cell Block will be yelling objection, mayweapproach as soon as she passes the bong back to Alfred E. Nurmi.  Aaaaand, she did.  Bitch!! She is totally just trying to knock Juan off of his game and we all know that is NOT gonna happen, so why bother.

Juan is back from the sidebar and he is more fired up then ever.  Stabby likes to play the victim.  There are no school reports of abuse, no police reports of the abuse….3,2,1 mayweapproach.  FUCK! They are up, they are back.  He is now barking again about abuse.  Travis’ abuse now.  There is no proof of any abuse from anyone.  EVER.  Now he is worrying the argument about points 5, 6 and 7.  They are successfully shredded.

Alfred E. Nurmi is now working his way thr0ugh the sundae bar portion of the buffet and Jenny from the Cell Block is back up.  The simple question before you is do you kill her……..FUCK YES.  Does she have value?  Now she is reiterating all the stuff that the pit bull said.  Jenny is being especially petulant.  She says that Stabby doesn’t feel entitled.  soldghaeothwoq454lxx .  I’m gonna need a Tylenol (now available in Stabby strength) after this.  Again with the lies?  Really Jenny, you really want to remind the jury of all the lies she’s told?  I personally wouldn’t have gone in that direction but hey, I’m not Einstein.  Oh good, she is once again going to throw the parents of stabby under the bus.  Stabby doesn’t like to play the victim?  Somebody slipped me a mickey didn’t they?

So, just to make sure we are all on the same page, you can commit any crime you want as long as you are artistically inclined, you have hair, you can read, and you pretend to have a fuck to give about anything that is socially relevant. All you special people don’t deserve the death penalty, no matter what you do.   Everybody clear?  Mmmmmkay.

Judge Stephens has for the last time charged the Jury and we are officially on verdict watch.


Stabby Apparently Doesn’t Have any Friends.

May 20, 2013

I have a migraine, can we cancel court? Arizona

Well kids, here we go again.

Stabby really, really doesn’t want to hear what the jury has to say about whether she gets to live or die.   Alfred E. Nurmi, using one of his last hail Mary moments, has requested a mistrial of the sentencing phase of the proceedings (seriously, is that a thing?) because druggy wuggy womak feels threatened.  My bullshit detector is going into overdrive.  He also asked for a mistrial due to previously mentioned prosecutorial misconduct because the pit bull is  a mean bad dog.  Stabby seems to just no longer care and Jenny from the cell block is very obviously high.

The Juanderful Mr. Martinez is up and he’s hot.  They didn’t bring the vet in today for some reason and Detective Flores is diligently trying to distract the frothing little pit bull with some good boy treats to no avail whatsoever.  Uh Oh.  Judge Stephens looks seriously pissed.  I am not sure at who yet, but she is definitely hot.

Alfred E. Nurmi is back up and he is pretty much calling the court and the prosecution out.  The Judge has allowed an atmosphere of intimidation.    Dude, really?  You want to fuck with THAT?  Just no man, go sit down and eat a cheeseburger.

Judge Stephens just denied all motions and I was right she is pissed.  She wants to know if it’s all good to bring the jury in now and Nurmi has now requested that he and Jenny from the Cell Block be recused because they can not provide adequate council.  Judge Stephens seriously has smoke coming out of her ears.  DENIED can we all fucking move on now.  Now they have no witnesses to present.   So, wait, let me get this right.  Druggy Wuggy Womak,  and the dude Stabby used to blow have decided they are not going to testify.  I get why Womack doesn’t want to testify, but I wonder what is going on with Brewer.  I personally think that everyone has just realized that she is just evil and they are all bailing.

Judge Stephens does not have a fuck to give and says, I assume the defendant is going to alocute and we get the now famous “mayweapproach.”   FUCK.

Court is dismissed for the day, reconvenes tomorrow at 9 am and we have another successful halt to the proceedings.  Gotta love putting off the inevitable.  I am also highly disappointed that we are not having he impromptu gallery opening we were promised.  I really wanted to see tracings of works I have already seen.  Now I am just sad.

Apparently Stabby is going to beg for a 2 movie deal tomorrow when she speaks.  Or something.  Who the hell knows with this Psycho bitch.  Guess we will all find out tomorrow.

See you tomorrow at 9


Stabby Arias: The Aggravation Stage….Well, it worked. We are ALL aggravated

May 15, 2013

Is it dead yet? Arizona

The aggravation phase is brought to you by Calvin Klein, because they want Kevin Horne in their next ad.   We have new sponsors today.  Walt’s World of Industrial Furniture took one look at Alfred E. Nurmi and immediately begged for a spot.  I said “sure, what the hell, I’m friend’s with Alfred E.s current chair and it seems very ummmmmm, stressed and put upon. Maybe you can help.”   Fakors Eyeglass rims:  “Because who cares if you can see right as long as you look good doing it”  Also please welcome Industrial Lubricants of America for obvious reasons and as always,  Gravol.  Now available in regular strength, extra strength, and OMFG IT’S STABBY BAD, strength.

Juan has been wrangled into the courtroom by our main dog handler and Detective Extraordinaire Esteban Flores, The vet has shot the dart, aaaaaand we’re off.  It looked for a moment like the drugs they use on “the pit bull” were working well until the second mayweapproach-“a word used as a stall tactic.”  By the third a snarl could be seen forming on his now foaming muzzle,   and by the fourth, he stopped speaking and curled his little paw in the air in pure rabid pit bull rage.  Detective Flores quickly threw him a good boy treat which he snapped out of the air before he made his way up to the sidebar for a drink of water.  Opening finally finished, he wagged his tail at the jury and went to heel when called by Detective Flores.

Alfred E. Nurmi hauled his butt out of his chair much to the poor things relief and began his opening.  Juan started to bark almost immediately.  Stabby paid absolutely no attention what so ever because she is butt hurt that Alfred E. only likes her one day out of 10.  Today was NOT one of those days.  Alfred E. did as much for the State as Juan did.

I’m not even sure why Jenny From the Cell Block is even there, is she looked any less interested, she’d be asleep.

Dr Horne took the stand, Alfred E. Nurmi finished his cheeseburger, took a hit off of Jenny From the Cell Blocks bong and said “mayweapproach.”  Judge Stephens rolled her eyes and declared a 10 minute recess.  Even Jenny looked at him with a “dude, really?” look that made me pee a little.  The Charlie Daniels band did not disappoint with the newly written “Devil Went Down to Arizona.” The Judge gave the hand signal and Juan was successfully darted a second time, just for safety’s sake.

While we wait, I’ll have the in-house Psychic get a read on Stabby.   ” Um, it was only 62 seconds.  Gosh!  Dramatic much you fabricating, evidence hiding, shady practicing little fucker, how bad could it have been?”

Ugg, everyone thank the in-house Psychic and THANK YOU GRAVOL.

Juan ‘the pit bull” Martinez began his examination and Stabby began to pretend to begin to cry.  She completely stopped for a moment to write a note to Jenny, then went back to it.  She is such a great actor that Stabby.  We have another sidebar so take it away in-house Psychic.  “OMG maybe the jury will totally buy this remorse shit.  That’s it Jodi Girl.  Keep it together.  Close your eyes, pretend to cry, wipe eyes, hold your breath, lick your lips and look sad.  Now peek over aaaaand.  SHITFUCKDAMN. What the hell.  This ALWAYS works.  Somebody get Mr. Evidence Fabricator to take down that picture of the throat I cut from ear to ear.  Prejudicial much.  Cripes, I should have defended myself.  Shit.”

We’re back.  Juan asked if Travis was still alive before his throat was cut and Dr. Horne answered with a resounding YES.  Juan barked that he had no other questions and trotted back to the prosecution table for a good boy treat and a scratch behind the ears.

Jenny From the Cell Block’s stone was mellow, and she’s got the hots for Dr. Horne so she took the cross.  Alfred E. Nurmi lifted his head from his Hoagie long enough to grunt thanks.  His chair was heard begging for mercy for a muffled second.   She tried to get Dr. Horne to say that adrenaline would have kept Travis from feeling pain.  He wouldn’t say it.   Juan finally succumbed to his rabies as he rose for recross.  Foam sprayed across the room as he barked was Travis alive when he was being stabbed. Yes. Was he alive when he was stabbed in the heart. Yes. Was he alive when His throat was cut from ear to ear. Yes.  Could he see while he was alive?  Yes. Could he hear?.. and with that we have a sidebar.  I’d put the in-house Psychic back on but she said something about more money for this shit and went outside.

While we waited, the vet went out and got the elephant gun.  Judge Stephens gave permission for the dart to be deployed and Juan was suddenly knocked slightly backwards.  It didn’t take long to see that these drugs had not yet taken effect.   With a snarled I have no further questions, Juan spun towards his bench, but then stopped and marked his territory all over Alfred E. Nurmi.  He then went to Detective Flores and sat like a good boy.  We had two Jury questions and the Juan was back up.  Oh good, the drugs are working.

Juan finished his re-direct of Dr. Horne without incident and rested.  To the surprise of absolutely NO ONE,  Alfred E. Nurmi also rested the defense.  Juan immediately got up and started his close.  Alfred E. came up for air from his ice cream sundae long enough to mutter improper argument so many times the Judge called them to approach.   I just caught she who will apparently not be named (at least by Juan) smirking.  Nurmi’s chair muttered a quick “thank you Jesus” and was silent.

I was very afraid for Stabby’s Pencil for a moment.  Stabby clutched it like she wanted to plunge it directly into the heart of the mighty  pit bull, but Jenny From the Cell Block distracted her with the promise of crayons.  Stabby’s  hand relaxed, releasing the poor thing from the death grip it had been in.   A very quiet, “trade ya chair?” was heard coming from the pencil.

The in-house Psychic and I have settled our labor dispute, so once she takes some more Gravol she will be back.

Juan is once again showing us who the big dog is by this beautifully choreographed close.  I actually giggled when he said “it hurts, it stings” in a brilliantly high falsetto.  It was one of the most beautifully ingenious things I have ever seen.  He has shown aggravated murder and his total contempt for Stabby.  Everyone please turn, face Arizona and bow to Mr. Martinez.  K thanks.

Alfred E. Nurmi raised his head from his Nacho platter, wiped his chin and stood for his close.  His chair muttered “For the love of god man, MAKE. IT. STOP.” and fell silent.

Alfred E. Nurmi looked absolutely serious for a moment.  He then realized his roach clip wasn’t really lost and was just stuck in one of his chins.  With a huge sigh of relief he returned to his regular, “Meh, whatever, when’s lunch?” look and began his totally stolen from a Law and Order Episode close.  Apparently someone has been taking notes on how to successfully steal copyright.  Good Job Nurmi.  I know who I am hiring if they ever find the….I mean if I ever kill anyone.  ANYBODY that ain’t him.   The pencil, the chair, hell my in-house Psychic.  Anybody but him.

Juan stood for rebuttal, launched and had Alfred E. by the throat  in somewhere under 62 seconds.  Detective Flores got Juan down with a catch pole, a box of good boy treats and a picture of Stabby stapled to an attack dummy.   A somewhat shaken Nurmi wiped off the hotdog he had dropped during the fracas and munched with a frightened look on his face.  He managed to mutter improper argument a couple of times.  The pit bull rested, and with that, Judge Stephens charged the Jury.  The Charlie Daniels Band played them out with an orchestral version of “Devil went down to Arizona.”

We are officially on Aggravation Watch.  If we get a verdict tonight, I will be back.

EDIT

EXTREME CRUELTY HAS BEEN PROVEN.  CONGRATULATIONS TO MR. MARTINEZ, DETECTIVE FLORES, AND ESPECIALLY THE ALEXANDER FAMILY!!


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