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The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.

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Stabby Arias and the Funky Bunch: We Have Gas.

April 25, 2013

Exxon Valdez,   Arizona

Captain Stephens has reported to the Bridge and calls the jury to the deck.  Aaaaaand we immediately have a side bar.  Wonder what they serve there?  Must be good because the lawyers are up there an awful lot.  Stabby, the brown haired thing watched in almost complete oblivion to the sidebar.

There was a sudden thunk and we all realized that Captain Stephens had the vet dart Juan once again.  These must have been heavier calming meds because Juan seemed almost like a domesticated pit bull today.  Juan stood up and called his first witness.   Jacob Mefford.  Stabby suddenly took notice.  Lets hear from our in house psychic to see what she was thinking.  (damn, you’re hot, I’d totally do you.  Lie for me and I will be your 3 hole wonder.  Do it baby, you know you want me.) Thank you in house psychic.  Excuse me while I wash my eyeballs out with bleach for that come hither stare Stabby just gave Jacob and I’ll continue.  Aaaand we’re back.   An exhibit has been entered into evidence after yet another sidebar, it is a video of  Travis  with what appears to be a blonde thing on his lap.  Oh Juan you make me giggle.   who’s a good boy?  Juan is.  Yes he is.  SQUEEEEEEE

Stabby is still grounded from her crayons so she is pretending to pretend to cry.  Alfred E Nurmi is up to bat for team Stabby and the funky bunch.  Alfred E. was quite useless but at least he came out of his FOG long enough to remember he’s working ovah heah.

No jury questions for Jacob, who looked relieved to be off the stand.

Juan next called Amanda Webb.  She works at Wal-Mart.  Miss Webb is an asset protection manager.  It was at that moment that many started to notice an odor emanating from the defense side of the courtroom.  We are being rather gently for Juan,  walked through how returns are done at Wal-Mart.  Juan seems to be getting a little fired up, I wonder if the drugs are starting to fail.  At this point there is no foaming at the mouth.  The vet looked nervous.  Much harder to dart a moving Juan.  The smell ramped up a little bit when exhibit number 634 was brought out.  Juan started his patented pitbull pace as we went over 634.  Skew numbers were bantered about.  Stabby the brown haired thing looked like she was starting to hyperventilate so someone gave her crayons back.  She calmed immediately as she stared at all the pretty colors.  Stabby the brown haired thing immediately started scribbling notes to Jenny from the cell block.  When Stabby and the Funky bunch realized exactly what exhibit 634 was, which was exactly 3.7 seconds before Juan asked it be entered into evidence,  Alfred E. Nurmi was heard to mutter under his breath.  “They can do that?”” Did anybody here know that they can do that?”  Then Alfred E. Nurmi requested sidebar number 87965455675667787 or so.  Stabby and the Funky bunch definitely are not digging this little (actually if voluminous) exhibit being entered into evidence.  It was admitted into evidence to the shock of absolutely no one.

As Juan led his witness through the Wal-Mart report volume whatever, Stabby and the Funky bunch started to look decidedly unwell.  By the time he got to terminal 93, Stabby was starting to look a little terminal herself.  Alfred E. Nurmi gathered himself for a moment and after taking a masterful breath uttered the happiest words of the entire trial.  “No Questions Your Honor” Amanda was released from the stand after Alfred E. reiterated that he had no questions of this witness.

Chelsey Young was next on the Juan Martinez rebuttal train.  Chelsey looks like a body builder but works for Tossoro which is an oil company.  At that very moment the gallery gasps as they realized what the smell that had been getting worse every second was.    Everyone in attendance and even many people standing outside the immediate area stated in unison, “Good Gawd, they’ve got GAS!”  Juan shook his muzzle as if overpowered by the fumes for a moment but he shook it off and attack er started to examine his next rebuttal witness.  Juan was very agitated during this part of his rebuttal and the vet quietly loaded up another dart just to be on the safe side.

Next up the pit bull called on Deanna Reid.  She was truly a  lovely woman and I am actually mortified at what she was put through not by Juan (I know right) but the pathetic excuse for a human being that is Alfred E. Nurmi.  I do not have any amusing anecdotes here, I feel that the defense treated this woman very poorly.  Juan was on fire during  redirect, he was absolutely frothing at the mouth and the vet could not safely get a shot off.  He paced like a caged lion as he fired rebuttal questions at Deanna.  He confirmed for all time that Travis was at no time ever during their entire relationship abusive in any way towards her.   The rage on his face was absolutely palpable.  I was every bit as enraged as he was.  Deanna was asked one juror question and was excused from the stand.

By this time the smell of gas was starting to wan but everyone got the point.  Juan Martinez proved beyond any doubt that Stabby the brown haired thing definitely premeditated the entire thing.

Captain Stephens was getting tired of steering this ship and probably getting drunk from all the sidebars, but Juan was hot and called another witness. last witness of the day was the forensic computer examiner who explained to the surprise of absolutely no one that that there was no porn child or otherwise on Travis’ Computer.

With that Captain Stephens officially announced the ship was going down and the band started to play as the jurors made their way to the life boats.


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