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The Clusterfuck to end all Clusterfucks

August 28, 2014

This is getting too weird even for me -Arizona.

So looks like Stabby is going Pro-Se unless Judge Stephens will get rid of that mean old “I don’t like Jodi 9 days out of 10” hater Nurmi. If the judge will just bend to Stabby’s superior intellect, then Jenny From the cell block can represent her and everybody will be happy. ESPECIALLY Nurmi who would love nothing more than to peace the fuck out.

Since it seems that good old ninja loving stabby needs to be interviewed by someone and some kind of report needs to be filed from said interview I’m going to go out on a limb and call an insanity defense as a mitigating factor which would in effect if believed not allow her to be sentenced to death. I’m sure I read somewhere that you cannot visit the death penalty on the legally insane.

Today, to the shock of no one anywhere ever I found out that good old Stabby, true to form wants the judge to lift the ban on having no live coverage during the penalty phase retrial. I cannot say penalty phase retrial enough because I swear Stabby and the funky bunch seem to think they are getting a do over and she is not really a convicted first degree murderess with aggravating factors. speaking of aggravating factors I am going to need to stock up on valium, Gravol and Tylenol before this shit show starts once again.

She was also granted a motion to go into Travis’ old house. Well, not her personally but for her “investigator” to do it. To what end I have no clue, maybe to burn it down and blame it on the ninjas, who the hell knows with this nutbag.

Jury selection has been pushed back to September 29th because the mean old people at the mean old jail wouldn’t let her “witness” sign in the way she wanted them to be able to sign in and it caused a delay.

Here are my predictions. First, like I said she is going for insanity which is not that far of a stretch for her acting ability. Second, Nurmi is apt to have an “accident” while Stabby was feeling threatened by him because he was talking all mean and stuff to her. Third, Judge Stephens will go back on everything that she has supposedly already set in stone and the penalty phase retrial won’t start until 2045 and fourth, a full camera crew, makeup department and stunt double will be provided for her highness stabby.

I will keep you as updated as I can, but since just about everything is sealed right at the moment I can only get so much information.

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Totally Not Made Up Unasked Juror Questions, Alyce in Blunderland Edition

June 11, 2013

I’m not on lockdown 23 hours a day- Arizona

Well, Satan has sent me up the next batch of unasked juror questions, these ones were all for Alyce LaToilette, I mean LaViolette.   He also skyped me to let me know that we can keep this one too, because if we haven’t noticed “This bitch also be crazy.”  Everybody thank Satan.

Totally Unasked Juror Questions for Alyce LaViolette:

1.  Are you high?  If so, where can I get some of what you are taking?

2. Have you always been a man hating bitch, or is it a recent development.

3. Can I have the number for your dealer?

4. Are you the one who filled out the forms for Stabby and if so did she pay you or did you take it out in trade?

5. Theoretically, if you did put Juan in a timeout and it didn’t work, would your next option be to spank him?  If yes can I volunteer?

6. The fuck?

7. Do you dream of severed penises?

8. Do you eat severed penises?

9. Are you mad at us?

10. Where is your office located?  I ask because I want to make sure I never, ever go there.

11. What exactly do you have against dwarfs?

12. How do you feel about garden gnomes?

13. Are we being punked?

There you have it everyone.  The questions the Jurors really wanted to know but the judge was afraid to ask.


Totally Not Made up Unasked Juror Questions

June 7, 2013

I can still make up shit too Stabby! – Arizona

Well, as everyone in Blunderland knows by now, there have been a pile of unasked Juror questions unearthed.  Apparently Satan perused them for his amusement and then sent them back on up so that a plan could formulate in my interestingly twisted little brain.  So, with that in mind, I have for you “TOTALLY NOT MADE UP UNASKED JUROR QUESTIONS!

Totally NOT made up unasked questions for Stabby.

1.  Dude, seriously?!

#2 – No really dude, SERIOUSLY?????

#3 – Since we all know that Stabby is a lying bitch, can we just poll the jury right now and maybe we can beat the lunch time traffic?

#4- I want to clean my camera, what setting on the washing machine do you recommend?

#5- Do you have any problems with anal leakage, and if so how do you deal with it?

#6- Did anyone perform a cavity search to see if you hid the gun in any of your three wonder holes?

#7- Do you think people can roll over in their graves?  Just wondering!!

#8- If you get a wrong order at Starbucks, do you go into a fog and forget why you went there?  If you do, how do you know your order was wrong?

#9- Can you sing “Oh Holy Night, while simultaneously climbing through a doggy door and hiding behind a Christmas tree?

#10- Would you like a Tylenol for Migraine?

#11- Is it possible for you to please tell Jenny from the cell block to SHUT THE FUCK UP?  KTHX

#12-Is it true that Dior called and they want their ad back?

#13-Have you ever taken acting lessons?  If you have, are you aware they did not work?

 

Totally NOT made up questions for LaViolette, and Dr. Fog to follow.

Sorry for the short one everybody, I’ve been hella sick.


Q and A with Nurmi’s Chair

June 3, 2013

Chair PTSD is a thing – Arizona

Nurmi’s chair graciously agreed to do a Q and A where I supplied the questions via email and he supplied the answers. What we ended up with was a very candid look at the life of Nurmi’s Chair.

Tell us what it was like being thrust into the limelight and backside of Alfred E. Nurmi

As a former child star chair, I had grown accustomed to the spotlight. I was in many commercials as a young footstool so the limelight has never bothered me. My mother is Bengali and my father is Indian/Pakistani/Chinese/Amazonian tree. They wanted me to have a better life than they had in America so after I was assembled in Bangladesh & China, we moved here.

I came into this assignment innocent. Juan Martinez’s chair, Esteban Flores’s Chair, Willmott’s chair, Jodi’s Chair, The Witness Stand Chair, & myself all got the go ahead during chair duty. Basically, we drew straws to decide who would get which person. Unfortunately, I drew the small straw and got Nurmi.

I had 2 weeks to prepare for his size. I prepared with rigorous strength and core training programs. P90Chair, Reclines and uprights with weights on me, & rolling up hills for cardio. I even traveled to that crooked street in San Francisco to train.

Work was rough from day one. Nurmi told me to ‘shut up and be quiet’ after I squeaked in pain on the first recline. I responded by lowering my height lever making him not able to see over the defense table. From then on it has been a struggle of epic proportions. He’s got a method of torture in the form of a blender for me he calls ‘The Punisher’. He basically brings in food from Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, & McDonalds and blends them into a flatulence smoothie. This cheek rattling chair scorching concoction has caused me many sleepless nights & a ridiculous amount of money wasted on febreeze

I’ve recently had this repeated horrific nightmare of being the only chair at a Nurmi family reunion. It goes like this: I am enjoying the nice weather and then Nurmi + his family come out and decide to play musical Chairs. Because I’m the only chair, they all rush to jump on me and recline. My legs tremble & as I’m about to fall apart, I wake up with a cold sweaty cushion. I went to see Dr Samuels about this problem but that didn’t go anywhere because he kept filling out the test for me. So I went to Alyce Laviolette for a second opinion. She accused me of abusing Nurmi! So I Finally I saw Dr. DeMarte and she diagnosed me with PTSD from Nurmi sitting on me. I was relieved at professionalism I finally found

As for Nurmi himself, there are still things I cannot do because of him. I cannot watch any of the Lord of the Rings anymore because of the Eye of Sauron. It just reminds me too much of Nurmi’s anus. I cannot look at the sight of a donut without getting nauseous. I cant even play basketball anymore because the shape of the hoop.

This led to a variety of problems for me including a substance abuse problem with WD-40. It helped with the pain. I started off drinking Caster Oil but then graduated to WD-40 because it was stronger. I was a mess. I even had to go to the IKEA Emergency Room one night but I’ll talk about that later in detail. This 54 day weekend has really helped me mature as an inanimate object. My cushion has been centered. I have also found a great support group from twitter. My followers are the best. They have put up with me through my suspensions, rants, & health problems

As for us chairs, we are all pretty cool with each other. Juan’s chair and I have a good friendship. Flores’s chair is pretty quiet and keeps to himself but seems friendly. Willmott’s chair can be obnoxious at times but also fun at times. The Witness Stand Chair is sexy(I’ll get to that later). Unfortunately Jodi’s Chair has had some trouble. She’s developed a rash just under her left arm rest that’s not very conspicuous at all. Poor Chair. Now she’s also taking on Jodi’s personality. She’s become crazy and lies about everything. I won’t talk to her anymore. 9 days out of 10 I do not like her

There are rumors going around that you and Stabby’s Pencil were forming some kind of escape plot, true? What was the plan.

Stabby’s Pencil is an interesting character. She’s always sharp & never seems to need coffee. I honestly don’t know how she stays so sharp with all that doodling & erasing. We’ve only had a few arguments that I can remember and that’s mostly because she’s been lodged in my cushion lead first accidentally. It’s quite painful. In addition to that I’m also dealing with Nurmi reclining or his flatulence so sometimes I can have a quick temper.

She came to me with an idea awhile back. We called it “Operation Rollback”. Basically she had the bailiff tie a huge strong rubber band to my back towards the open door in the back and I would sling out with Stabby’s Pencil lodged in my cushion. We were ready to go until Nurmi caught wind of it and told Judge Stephens. She held me in contempt of court and I spent a couple of nights in the janitor’s closet as well as the Bathroom after Nurmi used it. It was traumatic

Tell us about your love life? I was pretty sure I caught you checking out the court reporters chair a couple of times?

The Witness Stand’s Chair and I have been off and on for about 3 months. She had a thing for me when the trial started but I never noticed her under LaViolette & Samuels sat on her. That all changed after DeMarte took the stand. All five of my legs got weak and my cushion palpitated. I started sweating WD-40. I approached her sometime after DeMarte left & I was so nervous. I asked her to roll out with me one night to a local sushi place and she said yes! Unfortunately that date was a bit awkward since I didn’t have a chance to febreeze properly after court.

The next night however, and I don’t mean to brag, we locked wheels. It was amazing. She just oozes sex appeal. Those beautiful five legs, smooth spring, great cushion, and her backside is incredible. We also had great intellectual conversations and had a lot in common. She’s been a rock for me throughout this trial. The usual 3-4 day work weeks with various court cancellations has also helped us roll closer to each other

Were you frightened at having to be seated so close to stabby.

I was fine until I started seeing pictures she copied of me upside down in the Pacific Ocean, pictures of me disassembled, pictures of me dropped out of a plane, etc. That was troubling and very unnecessary

What really frightened me was the day I made a wisecrack about her bangs. @Jodiariasbangs remembers this. I made statement to Nurmi and Willmott about how “Skateboarders with screwdrivers must have loosened a screw in her head in order for her to create bangs like those”. Willmott immediately told Jodi and I got the biggest death stare ever. Check it out. It’s @Stabbyspencil ‘s cover photo.

Needless to say, we haven’t talked since

Have you bounced back since the burrito day incident?

I get this question a lot. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I spent a weekend right there at the courthouse that night.

Jodi’s defense team had a goal to delay the trial as much as possible and trip up the prosecution through utter BS the entire trial. So that two days before that incident, on a monday I believe, Judge Stephens said that Wednesday would be a long day and that we would finish before closing arguments. I didn’t believe her so on Tuesday night I stayed up all night drinking WD-40, watching the movie “The Chair of Monte Cristo”, & reclining in general.

That morning, My alarm clock did not go off on time(I still think Nurmi messed with my cell phone). I rushed to febreeze myself and then went to Starbucks to get my usual Vanilla Latte. Unbeknownst to me, Jodi had told Donavan Bering AKA Newman from Seinfeld to tell the Skateboarders with screwdrivers that I had been insulting them. So As I rolled into the Starbucks lot, they were waiting for me with red, blue and yellow screwdrivers. I tried to flee but they were too quick. I squeaked for my life but to no avail. They pinned me down, took one of my left wheels, and said “We’re coming for the other wheels if you tell the police anything”. They then showed me a picture of my uncle, an old wooden chair, disassembled. So here I am without a wheel, without my latte, late, and trying my best to roll to court.

Nurmi was angry that day. I knew something was amiss when I saw him holding a bottle of pink slime & a burrito smiling like he was at an all you can eat Bloomin Onion buffet. He took a bite of the burrito & drank the entire bottle of pink slime. Then he winked at me. I cursed and Jean Casarez looked at me with disgust. Then Nurmi sat. His pants were saggy like a dirty diaper. The stench was so thick that I could taste it. I gagged. Nurmi had me right where he wanted me. I was utterly powerless. The next few hours I was in and out of consciousness. I prayed to the migraine Gods to help me out but they weren’t listening to prayers that day because they had migraines themselves. My squeaks got quieter and quieter.

I remember looking up at the clock around 6pm PT and the hands were blurring together. I started to go into a daze that Dr Samuels would later diagnose as a fog. Everyone’s voices got slower. Stabby’s pencil fell off the table in slow motion. Nurmi reclined even further. My back was nearly parallel to the floor. The last thing I remember was Wildabouttrial pointing at me and taking a picture of me. Then I lost consciousness.

I came to at the IKEA Emergency Room. A Chairmetic surgeon was attending to me with nurses everywhere surprised I had come back to consciousness. The stench, the exhaustion, & the leaked pink slime from Nurmi’s underside had taken its toll. The pink slime was even pumped from my cushion. It was a painful, embarrassing time for me.

From that day forward, I vowed never to let Nurmi conquer me…EVER AGAIN

When nurmi was picking his nose, did he wipe it on you? Don’t be embarrassed chair, everyone feels your pain.

He claims he was just scratching his nose. Don’t believe his lies. He was absolutely picking it. Need proof. Look. LOOK ON MY UNDERSIDE. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME (I glance at Nurmi’s chair’s underside and see tons of boogers/gum all over) . I found a yellow spree lodged in between my cushion and my back just the other day from February. A YELLOW SPREE. Who eats the yellow ones? He abused me mentally and physically.

Now he says he’s on a Pink Slime Diet. I am scared for my cushion when trial resumes

A philosophical question if I may. I believe it may have been a jury question that was overlooked. If a tree falls in the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone,
does the tree make any noise?

I’m almost positive that Stabby would say that the tree decapitated someone that day and not her.

Do you have a thing for Jenny From the Cell Block.

Here’s the deal with Willmott. She has been sexually harassing me since the beginning of the trial. Don’t believe me? Look at ANY sidebar. Just look. Watch her arm movements. She caresses my back one time while passing, spins me another time, another time she rolls me in, another time she flirtaciously touches my arm. It’s never ending with her. She’s always asking if I want to come back to her place after work. One time she asked me “Is your cushion lumpy or are you happy to see me”. I assured her my cushion was lumpy and she got upset. It is absolute sexual harassment from her end. I’ve told Judge Stephens about this many times but she just laughs it off. Willmott even took me to Applebees once, made Dr Geffner sit on me, and then asked the Dr to pour her water. Needless to say, I was drenched.

One time I was rolling home after a long day of work. She picked me up, put me in her minivan, and took me to Zumba Sentao. For those of you who don’t know what Zumba Sentao is, just google it. Its a vile and prehistoric exercise class involving chairs & workout moves. I have never felt so violated as I did after that class. I was treated like a Baconater from Wendys dangling in front of Nurmi

I called the Witness Stand Chair to tell her what had happened to me and she wanted to roll onto Willmott’s toes right then and there. I told her no. She was FIRED UP. I’ve never seen her so animated. I told Alyce Laviolette about the abuse and again she said I was the abuser this time abusing Willmott

But yes to answer your question, NO. I do not have a thing for Jenny. I am constantly telling her no. Willmott, if you are reading this, MOVE ON. I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What were stabby and Jenny whispering and giggling about?

Usually it was bizarre things. One time they had a staring contest. Another time Stabby had Willmott pull my heigh lever down while Nurmi was up there speaking. They were in their own world until late in the trial when Willmott got the heebee jeebees from Stabby. I tried my best to ignore those two.

Why does Nurmi hate stabby nine out of ten days? Where did he come up with that completely random number and how does he apply it?

First off, Nurmi spent days formulating an equation to calculate that number. He spent countless hours at an All You Can Eat Golden Corral Buffet working. When he brought it before Stabby, she rejected it and just said 9 because it was her favorite number. Nurmi said “Who am I to argue with someone whose IQ is higher than Einstein’s”. Poor guy took it pretty hard. I started to feel sorry for him until I quickly realized he shit his pants

Did you know that it would be the Jury Foreman that would ultimately develop a sick crush on the murderess? I ask because I was betting on him myself, I won 50 bucks.

I thought he was looking at me at first. It was a little disheartening (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Then I realized him and Stabby were looking at each other from afar. Almost communicating with each other telepathically. It was like a Dysfunctional and repulsive version of the Notebook. I had my MP3 player & speakers queued up to “Take my breath away” during closing arguments in case they glanced at each other longingly again but I never got the chance to play it after the bailiff took it from me.

Was there ever a time when you were jealous of the witness stand chair?

There were a couple cute witnesses up there but overall, I’m glad I didn’t have to put up with Laviolette and Samuels.

What is next for Nurmi’s chair?

Well I plan on taking this 54 day weekend to focus on me. I’ve been up early every morning, rolling outside in the beautiful weather, teaching yoga classes, doing core cushion exercises, and just loving the real smell of life. I’m doing much better. I still cringe in fear every time I hear a whoopie cushion but I’m getting better.

As for what’s next, I plan on pranking Nurmi again. See my GIF on my twitter profile. I’m hoping to catch him off-guard again.

Unfortunately, after this trial, I’ve been required to sit in the Zimmerman trial. They feel I can handle George zimmerman. I’m fucked

Thank you chair for this peek into your sometimes very difficult life.


This Post is Brought to you by Stabby’s Pencil.

May 31, 2013

Oh, the things that bitch has made me write – Arizona

We have a guest writer today everybody.  Please give a warm welcome (and possibly a hug) to STABBY’S PENCIL.   As we all know, Stabby’s Pencil was on the front line during the entire trial, putting up with such indignities as being death gripped by Stabby, being held in Stabby’s disgusting mouth (hope ya got shots for that pencil) being subjected to the tracings of Stabby, and worst of all, having to take all of Stabby’s notes.  We all feel your pain pencil and we have been absolutely dying to hear what you have to say.  Please if you would, regale us with tales from the defense.

Hello everyone.  First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me here.  I’ve been waiting for such a long time to share the horror that was my existence for all those months.  I suppose I should begin at the beginning.  I was chosen from a pool of court appointed pencils to be used by Stabby in case she wanted to take notes at the trial.  Luckily for all of us, I have perfect recall, something incredibly rare for a pencil so I can tell you every single thing that Stabby wrote during the trial.  She was a total ingrate when it came to thanking me for a job well done, she’s a biter and she has bad breath as well as bad penmanship.  I seem to be getting off topic, so here are some of the things that Stabby had to write while the trial was going on as well as some of my own thoughts which will be in italics.

Trial Day 1 – This is the pencil I get? I can’t even have a full-sized pencil?  Seriously Jenny, get me a fucking full-sized pencil.  I don’t have stubby little arms like the baby Tyrannosaurus on the prosecutors side, I need an adult sized pencil.  What do you mean shut up and pay attention?  You shut up and pay attention.  I’ve been on TV.  I’m Stabby Arias Bitch.

Trial Day 2- JENNY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FULL SIZED PENCIL?

Trial Day 3- OMG Jens, who is the hot guy on the stand.  Dr Horne?  I bet I could make him Dr Horny.  He’s here for what now?  Pffffft.  Fuck forensics, I told you guys I cleaned up.   Oh, excuse me for interrupting you while you listen to Dr underwear model talk.  Is this important somehow?  They aren’t talking about me so how could this possibly be important?  How does my hair look?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Stop ignoring me, I will just keep shoving notes in your face.  (then the bitch put me in her dirty disgusting mouth and bit me, hard.)

Trial Day 4-  I traced a Dior ad.

Trial Day 5 – Jenny pass this over to Nurmi.  Hey Nurmi, I think you have some egg on your tie.  You might want to lick it off or something, it’s kind of gross much like you.  Well fuck you too.  I don’t like you either, and I’m the star here so suck it.

Trial Day 7- sidebar with Nurmi’s chair.  I haven’t quite got all the details of our escape figured out yet chair, but when I roll off of the table that is the signal to go. 

Trial day 8- Dear Diary.  I think they must be serving actual booze at the sidebar because my fucktard lawyers are up there, A LOT.  I thought Nurmi was supposed to be a sex crimes specialist.  I personally think he specializes in representing the fucking Hamburgler or the burger king or some shit.  And Jenny thinks she’s so hot.  I am so much hotter than that bitch.  I could do a better job too.  Objection.  I can say objection.  I fucking object to being subjected to this.  Fucking peons.  I’ve totally got the Jury foreman though.  He’s old enough to be my grandpa, but he totally wants to check out all three of my holes of wonder.  Oh yeah, I’m getting off.  No really, thinking about what I did to Travis is getting me off.  Shit, here they come, gotta hide you and go back to doodling.

Trial Day 9- Of all the child molesting, murdering, drug cartel running, dog killing fuckers out there, I had to get this gig.  I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this bitch?  

Jenny, please explain to me why exactly things are not going well at this point?  I have a what?  A migraine.  Yes as a matter of fact I do have a migraine.  Seriously I can get court cancelled for that.  Cool.  Can I have one tomorrow too?  Oh I have to save them for special occasions.  Ok.  Tell Nurmi to NOT stop at taco bell on the way home.  Jesus he’s getting bigger every time I see him.  What do you mean stress eating?  What the fuck is there to be stressed about.  I told you I’ve got this.  Juror 18 is eating out of the…..nevermind, just tell him to relax before he explodes or some shit.

Trial Day 10- I traced an ad.  Then I made pictures of the prosecutor with a knife sticking out of his back and a bullet hole in his head.  About 27 times. 

Trial Day 11- Jenny please have that asshole fucking prosecutor removed.  What do you mean you can’t.  I said do it.  I don’t like him.  He’s like a tiny little rabid dog.  I’m still pissed off he wouldn’t let me introduce my totally forged letters saying Travis was a perv.  So fucking what if I made them up?  They were perfectly good forgeries and I think they should be admitted.  Come to think of it, that Judge is a bitch for not letting them in too.  Have her removed as well.  Because I am the queen of the universe and I demand it, that’s why.  Are you slow or something?  You can read, yes? Se Habla Espanol? Me either, but I bet you $100 I can make them believe I can.  Come on, bet me.  It will be fun.

Well everyone, that’s all I have to write for tonight.  My lead is getting dull and much like Kelly I feel a sudden need for Gravol.  I think she can grind it up and just soak me in it.  I’ve been invited back and am allowed to bring along my friends Nurmi’s Chair, and Stabby’s Bangs.  Oh the tales they have to tell.  Hopefully they will join me next time.  Thank you for having me.

Thank you very much pencil, this has been most informative and I look forward to having you back in the near future.

Written by me with permission from Stabby’s Pencil.


This Blog is Brought to you by the in-house Psychic

May 29, 2013

I’m going to need therapy when this is over – Arizona

Hi everybody.  It’s me, the much put upon by my boss in-house Psychic.  According to Kelly, everybody on the internet absolutely needs to know what Stabby is thinking at this particular moment and who gets volunteered for service.  ME.   I really need to quit this gig and go get a job cleaning septic systems or something.  Probably wouldn’t be as much shit at the end of the day.

Anyway, I am standing on the lawn of the Estrella jail for several  reasons.  Stabby is butt hurt that Kelly is a “hater”, Stabby is butt hurt that I didn’t bring a camera crew, and Stabby is Butt hurt because she’s not really allowed to do interviews right now.  That of course makes absolutely zero difference to me being that I’m Psychic and stuff.

This may take a few minutes, there are a lot of really pissed off women in this place and I can’t seem to zero in on the right frequency.  What I have gotten so far would make Stabby’s blood run cold man.  There is a LOT of Stabby hate going on behind these walls.

Okay, I think I have zeroed in.  Here we go.  OH MY GOD, could this place possibly suck any more?  How the hell could anybody decide that it was better for ME to be out of the limelight.  I belong in front of a camera.  I deserve a fucking academy award for that performance at my penalty phase trial.  I mean, seriously, at least a couple of those numb fucks bought it.  I totally knew I had the foreman.  I could tell by the way he was making goo goo eyes at me that he wanted me.  They ALL wanted me.  Except for the woman, and they would have if they could have stopped being so jealous of my greatness.  I cannot help it if I am a superior organism.  My Einstein like intellect makes everybody hot.  Especially me.  Gosh I love all the time I get to spend with myself.  I get to think about all of the great things that I can do like my art and my singing and I don’t have the annoyance of having to listen to other people talk about themselves.  I am so awesome.  I am totally still laughing about that whole starting a book club thing.  I just threw that in there at the last second and they totally bought it.  And locks of love, really?  Anyone with the sense god gave a tomato knows that I only love myself.  Now, if I could sell my hair that would be different.  Hey, maybe I’ll get Donaman to sell my hair.  Stupid cow.  She is so in love with me she doesn’t even care that I could totally be fucking up her parole.  Whatever, I’ll keep using her just like I use everyone else.  I’m hoping I can convince one of these guards to have sex with me so I can get knocked up.  Being pregnant would certainly put the spotlight back on me where  it is supposed to be.  I wonder what’s for lunch today.  GOD I hope they remembered my strawberry frapaccino.  These guards are terrible at taking orders.   I got a letter from Dior today.  Something about copyright infringement.  Well Dior, you can suck it.  Prove I  copied your ad.  I’ll just say you copied my artwork and then where will we be.  Haters.  They are all just jealous of my greatness.   I wonder if that nasty little prosecutor is going to retry my penalty phase?  God I hate him.  If he was an idiot he would be much more tolerable.  I wonder how my pencil is doing.  Someone probably stole it and sold it.  Willmott and Nurmi will be back.  I made them famous after all.   I don’t understand why they kept trying to bail on me.  Probably just part of the show.    I cannot believe how horny I am right now.  This whole not having sex a hundred times a day really blows.  I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose right now…

Ewwwwww.  Ok, that’s it for today.  This is the in-house Psychic reporting from the lawn of Estrella Jail.

The boss lady will be back tomorrow.  She’s doing research on some Sneiderman chick that she says I am just going to love.


The Stabby Diaries Part Deux

May 25, 2013

I can totally make shit up too – Arizona

Today’s episode of the Stabby Diaries is brought to you by Gravol.

Special Thanks to Stabby’s Pencil for being such a trooper, Stabby’s diary for having to contain all this nonsense, Stabby’s bangs for giving us a good laugh, Nurmi’s Chair for not spontaneously combusting, and Juan Martinez just because I love the little pit bull.

When we left off, it was Halloween 2008 and Stabby was going trick or treating pod to pod dressed as Norman Bates.

June 23, 2009 – Dear Diary,   OH.MY.GOD.  48 hours set up an interview with me.  I did it today.  I was sooooo fucking awesome.  And pretty.  So hot.  Since I have had so much time to think, I came up with a much better version of the “truth.”  NINJAS.  I know right, everybody loves a story with ninjas in it.  This one may get me that Emmy I so richly deserve.  So anyway, Home invading ninjas broke into Travis’ house to kill him, they were totally dressed in black with knit ski masks.  I chose the ski masks so they were more ninja like.  They had a knife and a gun, because that covers the knife and gun I brought with me, and I only lived because god reached down because I am such a good Mormon and misfired the gun.  Holy shit this stuff is gold.   They totally bought it.  And the part where I told them I bulldogged the woman so I could get to poor mortally wounded Travis, I almost cried I was so convincing.  Anyway, that explains why I’m not dead, how the knife and gun got there, and I look like a hero.  Yay me.  That should get me out of here.
Gonna go pack.  Later Diary.

December 2010 – Hey Diary.  Well, obviously that dumbass judge didn’t like my Ninja story because I am still here.  Whatevs, I am having a great time.  Everyone here really likes me.  They also realize that I am not only their intellectual superior, I am just superior.  I won Prison Idol today, much to the surprise of no one because I am just that good.  My pod mates and I all got a turkey dinner because I won.  I still haven’t figured out why I have to share my turkey.  Pffft, it’s Christmas, I guess I can be nice to these peons for at least one day.  Gotta go Diary, Mary just said something about carving that bitch up.  Turkey must be ready.  Later.

August 8, 2011.  You know what Diary?  I’m smarter than any lawyer I’ve ever met, so I’ve decided to represent myself.  I know I can do a better job than that asshole Nurmi.  Maybe if he fawned all over me like I’m used to, I’d let him still be my lawyer, but he won’t so he can suck it.  I will show him what no years of law school can do.  Judge Stephens says I can, but I have to keep Nurmi as advisory Council.  Fuck, I was hoping for a cuter and maybe more mailable assistant, but whatever.  I will just pretend he doesn’t exist.

August 16, 2011.  Dear Diary.  I am so pissed off I could refuse Anal right now.  How in the fuck am I supposed to defend myself when that stupid judge won’t let me admit evidence I fabricated.  I mean it’s not like it was a bad forgery.  Cripes it could totally be Travis’ hand writing.  This is all that nasty little prosecutors fault.  Hand writing experts.  Can he even DO that?  He’s just pissed because he knows he will never, ever get with this.  Yeah, that’s what it is.   And so what if this is story number three.  Nurmi assures me that self defense of nothing is a perfectly good defense as long as I can make enough shit up, and we both know I totally can.  God, that prosecutor is a dick.   Gotta go Diary, apparently my other advisory council is trying to bail.  Better write a motion or something.  Later.


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